i wish you the merriest

i am currently watching the sound of music.  and singing along.  (of course!).
i'm filled with ham.  but just about to eat some more.  i'm fighting drowsiness, due to the aforementioned stuffage, and the hour-and-a-half nap i had this afternoon (merry Christmas to me!).  my kids have toys strewn all over the house - lego pieces, craft supplies, stuffies, kinder surprise garbage....  the twinkle lights are on, the angel is smiling down on me from the creche, and a deep sense of contentment is settling in.
this has been my first christmas hosting my parents.  they have never experienced my kids christmas morning, or the glory of new pjs Christmas eve (they wore them to church - my kids that is, not my parents).  they have not seen our multiple advent traditions or the sweet look on my husbands face when he hands me my presents (did they notice?).  and I have never cooked Christmas dinner before.  thankfully, i was well prepared.  my dear friend Marsha made me a tuxedo-esque apron, for the domestic goddess that i am.

here i am, making chocolate mousse.  i was going to make kraft dinner but the apron called for something a little more...

today i feel aware of our excesses:  in love, in liberty, in possessions, in privilege.  at times i don't know what to do with that, caught in limbo between thankfulness and guilt.  for tonight, however, i will sing of my heart being blessed with the sound of music, nestle into the thankfulness, and accept the contentment.

i wish you an evening of comfort and joy, and a deep acceptance of the gift of the Christ child given for you.

perfection

i've always thought Mary had it made raising a perfect child. 
no temper tantrums, rebellion, lying, selfishness, greed....
always thankful and helpful and understanding.

then this morning my 7 year old daughter woke up grumpy.  i mean, she resembled one of the seven dwarfs.  she was yelling before her feet hit the floor. 
as was i.
and later, while pondering motherhood in the shower, i had the thought -
                         it would suck to raise a perfect person.
motherhood is such a highlighter of imperfections. like a searchlight has been turned on all my ugliness. i had thought that marriage revealed my selfishness, and then i had a baby!  but i can't imagine dealing with the constant revelation knowing that the child holding the light had no imperfections at all. 

my husband has great anger management.  i'll be spouting off about someone who did such and such a thing and he'll come back with "maybe they were having a really bad day...." or "well, maybe from their viewpoint....".  it's infuriating!!!  i want him to grumble and sneer with me, but no, he takes the high road and then i realize, you guessed it, i'm on the low road.

poor mary

i was thinking in the shower "she [my daughter] just needs to experience a morning in someone else's house to see how good she has it!" (of course, i wasn't thinking about your house).  and then God whispered, "maybe you need to experience someone else's child at 8am to see how good you have it."

good one God.

at a women's brunch on tuesday (i made that hashbrown dish i talked about last week...yum!) someone read a letter, from a mother to her child, that included some lines like this:
i can teach you the rules, but i can't make you obey them
i can reveal to you my faith, but i can't make you believe
i can teach you to say thankyou, but i can't make you thankful

it's hard to let go of those end goals.  and feel helpless to accomplish them.  like i'm sitting on the sidelines, waiting for something to finally sink in.  for words like "thanks for doing all the laundry for me mom!" or "what a delicious meal you've made for me, again!" to just flow from the mouths of my babes.  and i realized this morning that i have been trying to make it happen, to discipline my children into thankfulness.  a battle i will never win.  they may appear thankful, but only the Holy Spirit can change their hearts.

so, i honestly don't know where that leaves me, beyond pondering.  i know that it's still going to hurt when my children throw my service back at me, like my sacrifice is a weapon in their hands.  i also know that this in unintentional on their part.  maybe i can be a little easier on them, and a little easier on myself, if i stop trying to make them into something i have no skills or power to accomplish.

maybe i should start being more thankful that they aren't perfect.

Shabbat!

i've decided to take sabbath more seriously.

every monday scott has the day off and we call it "sabbath", but to be honest, lately i've been making stupid choices:  like shopping (there's nothing restoring about the mall), or vacuuming, or having a "to-do" list.  the point of Sabbath is to cease, to rest, to play, to pray, to have a day void of "should" and filled with "want". 
this, conversely, requires work.
it requires planning and diligence and protection.
so, for the last few weeks i've gone grocery shopping on Sunday, so that the house is filled with yummy food.  today, for my sabbath lunch, i had a baked hash brown skillet with Camembert, white wine, bacon and maple syrup.  shabbat!!
i've tried to get the house cleaned on Sunday night, so that i don't feel the need to pick up or do dishes before resting the following morning.
i've said no.
and now, in this season of craziness, there is a peaceful hush descending on my home.  an oasis. 
today i napped, i read, i watched a tv show in the afternoon (not my usual!), i crafted, i painted, i prayed and looked over this last week with God.  i feel restored.  and ready.

i love advent.  i have multiple adventium traditions for our children - 25 ornaments to put on a tree, 12 boxes to open with little presents and puzzle pieces that eventually form the nativity, 6 presents to open explaining the gifts of Christmas...it's a little over the top.  but it helps me stop each day, even for a minute, and remember the reason, the truth, the light of this season. 
tomorrow we celebrate St. Nicholas day.  my kids shoes are out in the cold already, waiting for chocolate coins and little treats.  we've talked about Saint Nicholas the man: rich, and so devoted to Christ that he gave all his money away, throwing it through the windows of poor homes (or maybe even down chimneys to land in stockings drying by the fire...).  we talk about Santa Claus - how a man could be so good, so influential, that stories and tales are woven, and a magical character created. 
and we talk about how we are NEVER to tell our friends at school what we have just learned :)

it feels magical.  it is magical.  it's a time of year for awe and surprise and wonder.  how did God choose poverty? helplessness? obscurity? 
and how does He choose me?

i was brought to tears last night, watching my daughter sitting in her row, waiting for her turn to say her line in the Christmas pageant.  and oh, did she say it with gusto!  someone later remarked on her dramatic flair and i of course feigned innocence.  my son was also up on stage, ringing some bells and singing a song i remember singing at his age.  he actually fell face first off the stage, but don't worry - i didn't even notice!  he came back to where i was sitting and i said "did you like that buddy?" and he said "yeah.  except for the big fall."
oopsie.

well, i'm off to continue shabbating with some popcorn and my hubby.
Shalom to you all.

it's beginning to look a lot like

this afternoon an untold number of Christmas boxes threw up inside my house, and, after wading through the nastiness, i have emerged victorious!  my little tree is twinkling beautifully, three wreaths hung, little doodads and pine thingamagigies nestled in the nooks and crannies.  and my hearth is blanketed in white lights and evergreen boughs (fake!  don't get too excited) and a beautiful little nativity scene given to me by my mother-in-law.  it's perfect.  i so look forward to decorating, and then for an hour or so in the middle i want to light everything on fire, and then at the end i'm glowing!  ah, the evolution of change.

it's been a good week.  i've painted quite a bit - even daring to pick up the brushes for a few minutes here and there when my kids were around.  i went on another silent retreat this weekend, and (growth!) wasn't scared by the hours of not-talking looming ahead of me.  i can't say i was looking forward to it, but at least i wasn't dreading it. :)  baby steps.

i'm getting more comfortable with my yeast-free, sugar-reduced diet. i've started planning out really yummy things to enjoy to get me through the week.  for example, i made spiced squash and carrot muffins with gouda (except i went cheap and used cheddar) today, and i splurged on raspberries and pepper boursin.  i will survive!  one thing is for sure, if i'm giving up bread and dessert i'm NOT giving up fat.
more butter, please.

during one of my (silent) prayer times this weekend i paraphrased another passage from the Bible, and thought i'd share it with you.  once again, i find myself in a space needing to let go and trust in God's goodness, faithfulness, and competence.  my husband recently described Christian growth as a spiralling ascent up a mountain - you're moving upwards, but you keep coming around to the same stuff again and again.  hopefully, you hit it from a different angle each time, and can see how this time you're a little bit different, a little further ahead, a little more healed. 
still, it sucks to turn the corner and see the same issue starring you in the face again.  there is a little encouragment in knowing it's a common human experience.  a little.

Isaiah 64:6-8
                                                       we've all become dirty.
all all our 'rightness' we use to clean ourselves up
  makes things worse
                                pollutes us

like a decaying leaf, holding on by a thread
             sin comes and easily blows us away.

because we look to ourselves instead of to you
we don't rouse ourselves to take hold of what you offer

(i'd rather sleep than seek)

you're hard to find,
     so i'd rather melt into my sin
                and be formed by it
                                                instead.

But now,
     Lord, my God and Saviour,
     You are my Father;
 I will be a lump of dirt (still!)
    but I will be in Your hands
        and You will work on me.

You will work on us all.

homeland

i think i've figured it out.

a week ago i woke up, stumbled out of bed, began walking down the stairs and noticed something different out of the corner of my eye.  i turned my head to look out the window and stopped dead in my tracks.  mountains.  we had arrived at our place in canmore the night before, so i was unprepared for the realization that we were living for a week on the side of a mountain, surrounded by the opening credits of the sound of music.  it was breathtaking.  huge rock faces, incredible sunsets, mists that would obscure entire mountain ranges, and then dissipate like mountain peek-a-boo. 

having lived the last seventeen years in British Columbia i anticipated some nostalgia.  some wistful home-coming feeling.  but no.  i looked at those mountains and saw the immense beauty, and felt completely other.  i can marginaly understand why someone would look at a mountain and desire to climb it, but for me it evokes weariness, pain, carnage, fear...need i go on?  the mountains are not my home.

i started thinking about the ocean.  the ocean is where scott feels at home - it's in his bones i guess, being born in victoria and living by the ocean for most of his life.  when i look at the ocean i'm overwhelmed with it's vastness, i love the sound of the waves on the shore, i feel inspired to think of all those songs and psalms that speak of God's love and faithfulness as an ocean.  but, again, it's too much for me to comprehend.  the tide scares me.  the threat of sharks.  seriously.  the idea that i could swim for the rest of my life and not reach the other side (because i would die within a day i'm sure).  the ocean is not my home.

i got behind the wheel of our van on Monday, driving home.  we had spent a lovely night with friends in New Sarepta.  i was stuffed full of yeast-and-sugar-free biscuits our host whipped up for me before we left (at 9 am, bless you mike), and the cozy feeling of being loved by a friend.  we headed east from Edmonton, and there i found it. 

home.

tawny fields, striated with snowy lines where machinery had driven or plowed or harvested (not my speciality!).  black branches, white trunks, hills and dells, and a veiled sun looking on, hazy behind the clouds.  i started to smile, and breath deeply, and pray, and shine with thankfulness.  it still comes as a surprise that the prairies lie inside me, but i think i've figured it out.  i can understand this beauty.  it does not overwhelm me, it invites me.  i picture myself running in the fields, sleeping under the trees, gathering wild flowers, picnicing.  finding a stream or a lake and wading in - no tide, no sharks, just honest-working fish, and my body moving the water around me. 

who knew that in moving to saskatchewan, a word i had associated with barrenness and cold and boredom (just being honest!), i would be moving to a deeper part of myself?    i would find me?

you know who,
and so do i.

lost teeth and open eyes

i had a dream last night that scott looked at me and said "have you looked in the mirror lately?".
so, tonight we dyed my hair.  so long to the inch-and-a-half of gray.  hello nutmeg brown.  and yes, by "we" i mean, my husband and i.  scott's attention to detail and perfectionism comes in very handy at times.  i was sitting on our kitchen chair, half doused in dye, and thinking of how lucky i was to have a man trustworthy with nice n' easy.  sigh.  i'm in love.

tomorrow we leave for Canmore for a week of family vacation.  (we do have a house sitter for those of you scoundrels who peruse blogs looking for unattended homes.  not this time!!  my $60 speaker system and 24 inch television and jewelry from smart set are nice and cozy and safe.  take that!)  we spent the day cleaning the house (my husband vacuumed the couches.  sigh.) and packing and generally ignoring the fact that i have strep throat and that tomorrow we are going to be locked in a car for 6 hours with our kids.  and we leave after scott's finished preaching his second sermon of the morning.  booster juice is really going to have to come through for us.

but after the harrowing travel experience we will be in Canmore (which is basically Banff), with a hot tub and our own little chalet overlooking the mountains.  praise the Lord for time share.  i've got three books and two knitting projects and a jigsaw puzzle.  heaven.

if only i could bring my paints.

my daughter started today by loosing one of her front teeth.  she's seven, and this is only her third tooth to leave her perfect smile.  she spent the day grinning and sticking her tongue threw the hole, or finding a replacement tooth, such as a pea.  it's so fun when your kids experience things that you can actually remember experiencing yourself.  i don't remember toilet training or my first time tobogganing or learning to read.  but i do remember the journey of loosing a tooth.  playing with it until it's only hanging on by a thread, but being too nervous to actually just yank it out.  your older brother telling you he'll tie it to a door knob and slam the door shut.  the strange space left in your mouth that makes your talk funny and bite funny and feel like you have some adjustments in life to be made.  rediscovering a part of your body that you took for granted. 

tonight my friend Simon is home, after dying on a basketball court last week.  he has had a miraculous recovery, but tonight i think of Marney, lying beside him in bed, forever changed by this experience.  not wanting to take a moment for granted, not a kiss or a smile or a word.  this is what pain and change do to us, is it not?  refocuses us on extraordinary things that we have taken as commonplace. to live and move and have our being in these bodies on this earth; we live miracles every second of every day. 

so my prayer for Marney, and for me, and for all of you, is that we would have eyes open to the extraordinary nature of life. 
not out of fear of losing it,
but out of joy for it's beauty,
and thankfulness for having it in the first place
and worship. 

here's to good weekends

this morning the leaves fell off our tree, and my daughter wore her snow boots to school:  winter seems to be arriving.  i confess, i expected it sooner so i'm not feeling too much sadness at its arrival.  the other day in church a lady said to me "i'm going to say something worse than swearing:  it's snowing."  i was expecting something inappropriate to come out of her mouth, so i was a little disappointed.
we just had a wonderful halloween weekend.  my kids dressed as a bride and a ninja - totally appropriate for both of their personalities.  there's my four year old, ripping around the lawns, yelling and jumping in his black long johns, and my seven year old, walking as though down the aisle, bouquet of fake flowers in hand, wearing a friend's mother's slip as a dress.  perfection.

on saturday we had a pumpkin carving party.  we've always carved with scott's brother's family, so it just felt wrong to carve alone - like a sign of pumpkinism - hiding in a dark corner with knife and vegetable, feasting on seeds.  anyways, we invited close friends and man, the creativity flew!  my daughter was rummaging through the fridge, calling out "i found a nose!" and producing a baby potato or a roma tomato for a tongue.  she radiated.  and then we saw the zucchini....

that night scott and i went on a date and saw "footloose".  we sung at the top of our lungs - even though we don't know the words "geese, louise, shada offa ooo eese....", and scott got up and danced during the closing credits - even getting some applause when he catapulted over a railing.  we danced to the car, we danced to the coffee shop, we danced back to the car, and i thought "this is why i married this man".  i felt like we were dating again, but i got to go home with him.  awesome!!

then on Sunday, my son was trying to say the word "hallelujah" and was having difficulty (no, i was not asking him to say the word hallelujah, it wasn't part of family devos or as a part of weekly scripture memorization - just to be clear).  so, i started singing "halle-lu-halle-lu-halle-lu-halle-lu-jah!" (do you know that song?).  well, soon enough, scott and i were performing a rousing rendition of it, complete with actions, at the dinner table.  again, this man was made for me.

before bed monday night my kids looked at me and said "please try and keep dad away from the candy mom".  poor things, they truly believe that scott has no personal self control when candy is involved.  and, i mean, he has a little.

in the morning, my son stumbles into the room, eyes half open, hair all over the place (delicious!) and says "how much is left mom?".  i said "daddy only had three pieces, he wouldn't really eat all your candy!" and he answered "i would still love you guys if you did".  COME ON!!!!  it's worth it!!

so, a great weekend.  and today my house is sparkling because i had some conflict to attend to, which made me nervous, which makes me clean.  windows, floors, dusting, bathrooms.  i was a whirling dervish of emotional sanitation.  but, the conversations have happened, the floors are smiling, and i get to sit back and blog.  phew.

i do feel like my energy levels are soaring since i started cutting back on sugar and cutting out yeast.  thank God there's some positive!  how could i handle the halloween candy box calling to me without it?  i tell myself it's all cheap chocolate anyways and doesn't taste good, but i know i'm lying.  kit kat.  dairy milk.  reeses pieces.  i miss you. 

i'm off to make a gluten free lasagne. 

autumn

the tree outside my window is yellow, and the hedge in the front yard moves between orange and red.  fall is here and resplendent, and surprisingly warm.  each day i get another opinion on the weather - some say this is typical, some say its ridiculously atypical.  all i know is that it's my first fall in Saskatoon,the air is crisp, the grass is green, the sun is radiant, and i'm loving it.
i've hit a little life snag:  i have made myself too busy.  in August, when i was planning my various involvements i had this sneaky snaky suspicion that i was overdoing it.  i ignored it. 
i should not have.
and today a friend asked 'what are you doing just for you?' and it was a light bulb turning on in my clouded brain - this is why i feel so overwhelmed!  what was i thinking!!??  i am leading or hosting every thing that i am a part of.  i am ridiculous.
so, tonight i gave myself a time out in the tub for fifteen minutes.  it wasn't enough, but it was a start.

my doctor told me last week that i should be going off of yeast and sugar (any of you with lady parts can probably figure out why).  i said to her "for my whole life?" and she said "well...if you had diabetes....."
what?                     i mean, what?!  what does diabetes have to do with me?

anyways, i talked her down to "reducing sugar intake".  :)  i realized yesterday that if i were to cook taking into consideration all of the food issues/allergies/sensitivities in my home, i would have to make a gluten-free-yeast-free-nut-free-dairy-free-sugar-free meal.  i told this to scott and he said "not all nuts.  carter can have peanuts.  thank goodness!!"
i don't think he got the point.

i finished a painting last week - pictured on the right.  this is my first painting for Ebenezer, our church.  it feels like a big deal - i did a series of paintings for our church in BC, so it's another way of settling myself in, sinking my butt deeper into the pew. 
scott and leyton have been teaching about discipleship lately, and i wanted to paint something that revealed a facet of prayer.  i found this quote by Henri Nouwen

Praying is no easy matter.  It demands a relationship in which you allow someone other than yourself to enter into the very center of your person, to see there what you would rather leave in darkness, and to touch there what you would rather leave untouched.

i thought of this image when i was on a silent retreat in the spring.  sometimes i get this ache in my chest, like something is missing.  i first noticed it after i gave birth to my first born, that when i wasn't near her this discomfort would develop.  i thought it had something to do with my milk, and i got in the habit of rubbing the area between my clavicle bones, rubbing down the intensity, trying to ease and mother whatever it was taking place inside me.  but the feeling has not fully disappeared.  it's not always there, but every so often it will return and i will try and soothe it while looking around me for what is missing or left undone.  sometimes in prayer i want to just rip myself open before God, lay it all bare, so that he can fix that ache.  He can tidy up the mess and change me.
and, in truth, he does.  somehow.  miraculously.  i am not who i once was.

For the word of God is alive and powerful.  It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow.  It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.  Nothing is all creation is hidden from God.  Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes, and He is the one to whom we are accountable.
Hebrews 4:12-13

so, in the midst of the craziness of my schedule, i am well cared for.  i am known and understood.  i am watched over and guarded.  i am comforted and healed. 

my prayer is that you would be encouraged to expose your depths to God, your aching places, and that you would find He's already there, loving and working and holding.
amen.

thanks

isn't answered prayer always a little surprising?  there's always a little part of me that thinks my prayers are unimportant, or impotent.  and then, bam! 
my 7 year old has been struggling with a health condition since she was a baby - not a serious one, but a bothersome one, that has just been worsening as of late.  we've tried lots of remedies.  doctors all say the same thing to no avail.  then, one night last week after bookclub a friend says "maybe its a dairy intolerance".  now that friend is no longer just another human being walking near me on this earth, but a messenger of God's goodness, a conduit of His healing and care.  incredible! 
and so this thanksgiving finds me thankful for friendship, for miracles large and small, and for a loving God who cares enough to answer.  surprisingly. 
once again God proves to me that He is who He says He is.  which gives me hope for the prayers still waiting, the aches still burning and unfulfilled, those dark spaces i periodically glance at from the corning of my eye and shoot up a furtive prayer and ignore again. 
and hope for your darkness as well.

i'm currently in my living room with relaxing music playing (my daughter wants to listen to something more fun and i say "i need something relaxing!!" and she looks at me like "yes, you do").  i'm looking out the window at my linden tree that's turning yellow, the rain is pouring down today and i'm nostalgic for BC.  i planted crocus under that tree this week, already planning for early spring when i will need signs of hope and warmth and change. 
i love my home.
i'm feeling the fall spirit of hibernation coming upon me.  last night scott said "you need to get out of the house" and i thought "i do?".
the kids thermal undies and the mitten basket have ascended from the basement.  summer hats and popsical molds have descended.  and i've been knitting up a storm. 
you didn't know i knit?  yes, i do.  it arises from a constant need for creativity coupled with a constant state of tiredness.  once the kids are in bed it feels impossible to pick up the paint brush.  but the needles are another story. 

the two tones of grey are an expression of my incredible colour sense and style.  and i ran out of yarn.
my sons mitts are knit with a yarn colour called "comics".  isn't that perfect?  little superhero hands.

i'm reading 'the help' for bookclub right now.  at first i didn't want to, because it seems everyone else in north america is also reading this book, but, i've realized there's a reason everyone else in north america is reading this book - it's good! i tried to get the book club resource from the library and was told there was a waiting list of 345 requests.  i mean, really?!  who was number 273?
 "sorry, but there's 272 holds on the book, would you like me to add your name to the list?"
 "yes.  i guess my bookclub will read it in 2015."
one issue i'm having with this novel is that i'm waivering between disgust for these women who hire others to raise their children and keep their homes while they sit around and write letters and play bridge - and the desire to hire someone to clean my house and play with my kids so that i can read this book!

we've been invited out to a thanksgiving dinner on sunday, and will have our own full house of friends on monday.  by tuesday the word 'turkey' will probably make me swear, but i'm still excited.  i think i'm going to do the maple bacon wrapped turkey that i tried a few years ago.  YUM.  it's really the thought of dealing with the leftovers that feels overwhelming.  how incredibly spoiled i am!  snap out of it janet!!
my favourite part of this season is when we sit down at the swollen table and take a minute to speak out our thanksgiving.  i always try to hold myself together but to no avail.  i'm such a weeper.  there's just so much to say.  so much to be humbled by, so much to be honoured, so much undeserved.

may this thanksgiving find you with your heart in your throat and your words enlarged with tearful gratitude as you peek around at the blessings of your life.

happy thanksgiving.

driving miss janet

I've started driving like an old lady.
maybe it's because of the $180 ticket i got when we first arrived here, for running a red.  oh, stop the gasping!  it had just turned red, i was lost, my kid had just peed her pants....mitigating circumstances.
i used to be a 70 girl, that was my speed of choice.  but lately i look down and see that i'm cruising the strip at a whopping 40 km/h.  i quickly glance up at my rear view mirror and see the line of cars and imagine all of the cursing i'm instigating.  this is why i don't have a Christian fish on my bumper - why should Jesus be blamed for my inadequate driving skills?
today i was making my way to a coffee shop down the street when this happened to me again.  i had just dropped off my youngest at a friends and was on my way to meet with a group of artists, to talk about the work of being artists and to brainstorm works of art that could correspond with the current sermon series at our church. 
the car was quiet
the air was fresh and warm and the wind was up
i was enjoying how the trees on either side of the road were learning towards each other, hugging the street with their limbs.  hugging me in my van.  i love roads like this,  especially in the fall with the lovely yellows and reds and purples and greens and, YES!, oranges.  i was breathing deeply and praying thanksgiving.
and then i looked down at the speedometer.
and looked up at the mirror.

oopsie daisy

in other not at all related news, scott and i have recently released our first album.  we recorded it in his brothers studio in August - a whirlwind day and a half.  and then Jon (said brother) worked his magic on it for a few weeks, adding instrumentation and creativity and beauty, and voila!  the songs are all written by Scott and the albums called "everyday prayers" - because these songs all began as his prayers.  prayers that sunk down into him and sloshed around and came back up with music attached. 
i've tried to write a few songs in my life, but they usually end up sounding like show tunes (think jazz hands and a trumpet section).  scott's songs are significantly better :)

feel free to buy it here: everydayprayers.bandcamp.com

think of me when you find yourself acting elderly :)

harvest

jack frost murdered my basil.
last week we were sweating it out in the mid thirties, and last night it dipped to minus four.  yikes.  i was un-prepared.
so, out i went with the kiddies to harvest the crops. 
don't these look great?
crispy, sweet, packed with vitamins....i'm hoping to heal myself from my poor eyesight by eating as many homegrown carrots as possible.
i'm also thinking of joining some farmer's markets next summer - there's so many around town.  maybe i could make some extra cash and pay for piano lessons or something.


has anyone heard of a farmer's market in this area that caters to polly pockets?  or maybe calico critters (they look like they've got money)...i'd even consider selling to barbies. 

i planted 8 tomato plants thinking i'd can some sauce for the winter....

well, i had high hopes.  and, let's just say it:  i failed.  my daughter pulled out a carrot that was literally a centimeter long and said "mom!  you're going to be so proud of this one, it's your biggest!!"  i'm sure it's healthy for my children to see their mother completely bomb at something.  i've diagnosed my garden issues to:  i'm too cheap.  too cheap to buy the extra bag of compost.  why?  because i'm also too lazy.  too lazy to drive to the other garden store. 

i finally did buy the compost in August.  it was less than four dollars. 

sigh.

so, i'm off to maybe have a warm bath or at least put my feet up after that intense day of harvesting.

eat a carrot for me.

the day of my birth.

Sunday was my birthday.  I'm 36. 
i think that still qualifies as "mid-thirties" instead of "late-thirties", although my 34 year-old husband informs me that he can still round down, but not me....
so, my first week of 36 has been productive.  i started doing jillian michael's 30-day shred, and have done it 3 times so far this week - despite the fact that i'm literally thinking through every bend, lift and stair (do i REALLY need the ingredient from the bottom shelf?).  i brought my son to his first day of pre-kindergarten.  i made a wicked awesome gluten free angel food cake for scott's birthday (which is three days after mine).  and I've had some wonderful time with friends and family.  my parents were here for my birthday - i haven't had a birthday with my mom and dad since i turned 17.  that's more than half my life celebrating without them! we went for a walk through a downtown neighbourhood - the kind of street with old trees and beautiful homes.  my kids were on their bikes and my parents were holding hands and i was struck with how rare and wonderful my life is.  and then i ate coconut crusted shrimp at los palapos.  nuff said.
currently i am lying on the hammock in my backyard and my kids are puttering around me.  my daughter actually just uttered the words "do you want to play clean-up?" to my son.  i've arrived!
we are experiencing our first fall in a large programatic church.  scott's been reeling from planning and meeting and organizing, and i find myself staring at the calander on a dailing basis with a sneaking sense that the little boxes are getting smaller and smaller.  I'm excited about the things i'm involved in - leading classes, mentoring, prayer group, small group, book club and an arts group...that looks ridiculous when it's written out like that, but most things are only once a month.  when i worked at Trinity Western University, i was taught that it's important in life to be receiving and giving -  to be mentored and to mentor, and to have mutually beneficial relationships.  the piece i need to work on establishing is being mentored myself, but i do feel like i'm being poured into through my friendships and our church.  in truth, this feels like a really healthy place - i'm exercising, i'm really enjoying my times with God (scott gave me a modern book of common prayer for my b-day and it's awesome), my friendships are deepening and i'm using my artistic gifts. 
do i make my life sound too good?  the other day a friend said she wanted to call me and say "tell me something hard about your life" because when she pictured me she saw me sipping martinis in my hammock. 
well, i am in my hammock.  but my kids are fighting and my son just pooed his pants.  does that help?  and i missed my BC friends on my birthday - it was strange feeling like no one knew.  i was standing in the church foyer, surrounded by friends, thinking 'should i tell them?'.  thankfully my husband came to my rescue and told eveyone and i was sung to.  loudly. :)
next year i'll just have to throw myself a party.  want to come?
all in all i am thankful for the year 35, and the many lessons learned therein, and the great faithfulness of God through one of the biggest trials and journeys of my life.  it will be a year fondly remembered, a marker stone of God's goodness.  an ebenezer. which is fitting (that's the name of our new church).
i wonder what this new year holds, what challenges will be faced, what tears will be shed, and what surprises experienced. 
i'm excited.

temptation

i heard a great sermon yesterday about temptation.  it was one of those ones where my pen was flying across the page, taking notes and writing questions!!  with exclamation marks!!  and then next thing you know the pastor (leyton) was answering said exclaimed question, and off went my pen again. 
the gist of it was this:  God does not tempt us, but He does test us, and we need to pray (as in the Lord's prayer) that those tests do not twist into temptations. 
for example:  a god-fearing woman places her faith in God's provision for her family, and walks in trust and joy as her husband resigns from his job and they spend the next half a year looking for work.  this is quite a test.  but some days, the test is twisted.  and she starts to think they made a mistake.  she starts to doubt God's care.  she starts to doubt God.  these days are hard, hard days.  filled with anger and tears and fear.
but there are other days in this test.  other days when she is strengthened somehow to continue to trust, and she's filled with hope and thankfulness and anticipation and peace. 
and now, she (okay, it's me). now, I look back on the test of 2010 and I'm so thankful for it.  so thankful that i am in my promised land, looking back at the desert, knowing that the next time i feel the sand touching my toes i will have this experience to stand on.  this faithfulness to remember.  and all the more reason not to fear.

so, one of my questions in my sermon notes was Why does God test us?!!
i know, it's a bit of a baby question, but sometimes i just feel frustrated with the whole idea of testing.  the idea of all of life being a test makes me feel like "batten down the hatches!  there's a test on the horizon and i hope we make it through!!", or, " i guess i can't be angry about this tragedy because it's somehow a test".  i say poo poo.  POO POO!!!!.
i don't think everything is a test. 
there, i've said it.
i think there are tests, and there are trials, and there is an enemy who throws crap into our lives and rubs his hands with gleeful anticipation of our distress and distrust and downfall.  i don't think my friend was assaulted as a test.  i don't think a different friends sister died as a test.  i think that the enemy of our lives is working diligently and verociously.
maybe there are tests within the trial, but that's a different thing.
and the "why?" answer is obvious and consistent with the what i know of my God:  for my good, and His glory.  to shape me more into the image of Christ, for my continual joy and for the sake of the world. 

so, for those of you experiencing the test today, I pray for strength and endurance, for your growth and for a joyful hope.  and for those of you in trial, I pray for an awareness of Christ's compassion, the Father's love, and the Spirit's presence. amen.

twas the week before school...

i have not had much experience with kids and summer vacations since my oldest is only entering grade 2, but here's what i remember about the last week before school last summer:

panic.  where is that newsletter with the supplies list?  will these runners count as indoor shoes and do they even fit after months of flip-flops?  what will the teacher be like!  how am i going to get out the door that early five days a week!

sibling explosions.  over everything, over nothing.  too much time together.  too much time with me.  too many outings ending in tantrums.  getting time outs while in time outs. 

basically any notions of the first day of grade 1 being emotional difficult were thrown out the door and i was ready to toss my child in the teachers arms and run for the hills.

how do you homeschoolers do it?!!!!

well, let me tell you my saving grace this week.  an angel came to stay at my little home in Saskatoon.  her name is Cori and i feel like she literally picked up the chaos that could have been this week, shook it around in her hands like a snow globe, and plopped it back down filled with humour, space, care, compassion, and friendship.  what a gift!  and here we are, wednesday night, with happy children tucked in their beds, time-out spaces growing cobwebs, and the feeling that i'm actually going to be a little verklempt when school starts next week.

now, i know that many of you have a week more of vacation than i do, so here's my recommendation.  phone a friend!  forget about the housework as much as possible and get through this week still in love with your kids :).  the work will get done when the school bell rings, but the last week of summer will be lost until next year. 

that said, i'm greatly looking forward to experiencing a prairie autumn.  i hear they're beautiful, and i have recollections of october in Ontario, with crisp evenings and colours ablaze and the smell of cold around the corner.  every september i get the urge to buy myself school supplies.  anyone else?  i want to sharpen pencils and feel the excitement of that first blank binder page, waiting in anticipation, devoid of mistakes.  am i a total geek or just sweetly nostalgic?

maybe i'll invest in one cahier just for kicks.  i could use it for grocery lists!

may back to school shopping not swallow you alive, and may you enjoy at least one more perfect summer evening - roast a marshmellow for me if you're able.

Rich

I'm home from B.C. And feeling very rich indeed, for many reasons.
The first: my first weekend in bc was spent with three friends in a trailer at the base of a mountain. We laughed, we cried, (both a ridiculous amount) and we prayed. On Saturday we spent the day taking turns sharing our lives and praying for each other. By the end of the day we looked like puffy eyed raccoons, but it was so fantastic. You know that verse about how pleasing it is when brothers dwell together in unity? Well, ditto for sisters. What a gift to be surrounded by women who know my ugliness and surround me with the arms and words of Christ.

And then camp at Homewood was amazing this year. Our kids are finally at the go and wander age so camp was very relaxing and fun and adventurous. We did lose our son the first day, and I was just about to reach the point of hysteria when I walked into a room and there he was! I held myself together for along enough to get him into our room and then I cried and hugged and begged him to have mercy on my poor heart. I must have gotten through to him because yesterday we were in best buy and he looked up at me and said "mommy, I'm going to stand over there ok?". Bliss!

After camp I had some great conversations, one which took place in a hottub for over an hour, and went shopping with a dear friend who actually treated me to a new dress and sweater (unbelievable!).

Then I came home.

Last time I went to BC I came home to saskatoon and entered a funk. My first night back I went to a baby shower and came home in tears. I said to Scott "I need 10 years to catch up with these friendships. How will that ever happen?". I think up until visiting I was feeling really positive about the move to the prairies. But then I was dipped again into the ocean of my friendships in BC and began to experience my new homeland as a desert experience.
Well,
This time I came home a little concerned, a little nervous about how I would feel. I went out last night with two friends for a walk around the river and came home smiling. I'm RICH! I have friends here who love me and care for me and let me love and care for them. We laughed and cried together, and talked about ridiculously personal things. A sincerely perfect evening (vulnerability, cheese, chocolate, exercise and a movie...what more could a girl ask for?)

So, I'm committed to focussing on this excess of love, especially when finding out my kitchen subfloor has rotted, my new computer might not be all I desired (I know, cry me a river), and the savings account is empty. I'm rich in what matters, in what brings life, in what will sustain me through all these tossing storms. I sincerely hope that you are feeling the same.

happy holidays.

its always wrong to do anything you can't tell the minister's wife.  it's as good as an extra conscience to have a minister's wife for your friend. - anne shirley.

i told this quote to lindsey, a bosom buddy who's also a pastor's wife, and said something along the lines of "you might be that at first, but then you open your mouth."
good point.
i wonder if, more than an extra conscience, i'm more like a (healthy?) dose of freedom:  if janet can do it....(and she's a pastor's wife!!).  ah, dear, i do hope i influence for good.

well, we are on our first week of holiday.  we've been getting lots done around the backyard - fence painted, cherry tree planted, garden composted, etc..  i raided a friend's garden and came home with buckets full of lillies and irises and other beautiful things that i have no names for.  my flower garden is filling out, my vegetable garden is growing well (i think...i really have no clue), we have luscious green grass, a playground, and truly a background wonderland.  this home is really a beautifully wrapped present every day.

our church is working through the Lord's prayer this summer, and this morning's sermon was on "hallowed by your name".  the preacher's main point was that how we view the character of God (his name) affects our character.  for example, if we believe He is altogether trustworthy, we will live lives of faith and trust and obedience.  our characters will be marked by confidence, hope and perseverance.  but, if we believe God is not to be completely trusted, we will despair, we will be tight-fisted, cynical, conflicted, angry. 
there is a quote from someone that scott often says: "you become that which you worship".   so, my question for myself today is, who do i believe God really is? 
this filter also changes how we read scripture.  if I believe that God is holy and just i will read the journey of Isreal in the old testament differently than if I believe God is heavy-handed, cruel, or disinterested.  what characteristics of God do I bring to His story?  can we trust that He is who He says He is?

i think that we can.
(I'm also still working on it as well)

i have been aware lately of how my character is rubbing off on my children, especially my 7-year old daughter.  maybe 7-year olds are naturally in a state of developmental angst, but it seems my girl is angry.  she's angry at me, at her zipper, at her brother, at her swingset, at the sales representative at Canadian Tire (possibly ligitimate), at her bandaid and dinner.  I can't help fearing that my tendencies to grumble, my lack of patience, and my many frustrations have begun to stick to her like tar.  how do i begin the work of wiping it off?  of releasing her from her mother's weaknesses and failings?  how painful to see the ugliness of my sin reflected on my beautiful child.
so, pray for me in this.  summer vacation is like a pressure cooker for family matters isn't it? 
i hope yours are going well!

kindred spirits and buddies of bosom to you all,
janet.

bikes, moths, and my painting life.

it's been a good week. 
for those of you who have been praying about my weird illness, i have had numerous tests and exams and nothing has come up, so it seems it's just a virus.  and i've been feeling well for two days now, so hopefully it's gone! thanks so much for your concern fr me and mine.  it was a very strange and often scary experience.

let me tell you about the best part of my last week.  we went on a family bike ride to the zoo. :) 
picture me:  pink helmet (of COURSE i wear a helmet Cori, how could i ever look Vanessa in the face again if i didn't?), pink bike, big smile, wind in my hair (well, the hair that's not in the helmet), backpack on my back.  my four year old is in front of me on his running bike, legs flying, seeking out any puddles along the way.  my seven your old is on her training-wheel-free flower-dappled bike behind me, concentrating hard and calling out rules such as "okay, when mommy needs to stop she'll say "STOP" and then I'll repeat "STOP" so that daddy knows behind me that I'm stopping okay?".  then Scott, my delightful man, pulling up the rear, keeping an eye on all of us (because Lord knows, any one of us could topple). 
it takes us approximately 10 minutes to get from our front door to the entrance of the zoo. zutt alore!  and when we do arrive the zoo is closed because of a power outage.  it's open every day of the year, but we hit it the one time it's closed.  ah, well, the ride was worth it.  and we did get to go into the butterfly greenhouse for a picnic lunch.
which brings me to another great moment.  a butterfly landed on my shoulder.  i know, this is a normal occurrence in the butterfly pavilion i'm sure, but did you know that I'm afraid of moths?  yes, after all my talk about overcoming fear, i let out that embarrassing tidbit of information.  to my credit, i was attacked by a family of them as a child. yes, a family of moths. 
attacked.
me.
so i'm standing in this greenhouse, surrounded by my nemesis' cousins and one lands on my shoulder and scott calls out "look! mommy's special!" and i say "i'm like Snow White!" (as an aside, i've always dreamed that if i were to find myself alone in a forest the woodland creatures would come and cuddle with me - birds on my shoulders, squirrels on my lap, a deer by my side....drawn no doubt by my princess-like nature and purity of heart). 
secretly, i'm a little uneasy about this butterfly touching me.  but then i think, maybe this is an ambassador from the moth-like nation proclaiming peace at last!  maybe it's time to let go of my morbid hatred of the moth species.  maybe it's whispering "can't we all just get along?".  it is a white butterfly, like a little flag of surrender.
can you believe that i actually think like this?  thank God for anne of green gables, she makes me feel normal.

okay, my last great thing from the week...i FINALLY finished the painting I've been working on for months.  after 45 1/2 hours of work, here it is.  forgive me for the crooked pic, as soon as the sun's out i'll take a better on and replace it.

alright, so I'm sure you're thinking "what the heck is that?"

here's the vision that was given to me by a beautiful woman who's a pastor in Ontario:

My deep heart break is for the wounded and broken who've lost their way to the Father.
  I see a shining city - much like those city-state fortresses pictured in medieval epics (think, "The White City" from the Lord of the Rings:  The Return of the King).  This is the city of God.  Angels and saints stand along the ramparts of the mighty city wall, calling and shouting to the chaos outside.  In the muck and mire of the earth a churned up battle field stretches for miles and miles.  At first glance, it appears to be a writhing, rhythmic groundswell.  But on closer inspection, we see the bodies.  Some are violently engaged in battle.  Some lie broken and battered in the mud.  Some run from the horror, but can't find a way out.  And dotting here and there in this horrific landscape are men and women wearing the armor of the city, holding tight to the hands of the wounded and lost, weaving in and out of the battle, side-stepping skirmishes here and raising their swords to fight, there, guiding the broken to the gates of the city where the Prince stands to receive them, to heal them, to love them.
     Some were sent out in armor to bring in the lost, but were themselves deeply wounded in battle.  That's who I go to.  That's who I've been sent to bring home.  Those are the focus of my search.

so, an amazing vision and a daunting project.  it's been an incredible challenge: 5 different pics involved, some from the internet, some taken with models, and i had to hunt down chain mail and a sword (thank God i live in Saskatchewan!).  i have felt very honoured to hold this amazing woman's heart in my brushstrokes, and to paint something that reveals God's truth and calling and the beauty of His saving kingdom.

that said, i'm glad it's over. :)

scott starts holidays monday and we're looking forward to a "staycation" until the 25th when we fly to BC (yippee!!!).  there's a waterski competition on the river this weekend, and the "taste of Saskatchewan" festival next week.  i love life in the city.

blessings and rest to you all.

little life tidbits.

picture me:
i'm on the couch in my (mercifully) air-conditioned house, in a sleeping bag because i'm too cold.  ( i know!  stop yelling.  i turned it down, or up, whatever).  the bourne ultimatum is on the tele, and beside me is a plate of strawberries, fairtrade chocolate, a lovely buttery havarti, and some crackers.  my kids are sleeping.  it's about to thunderstorm.  ah, perfection. 
i picked my first vegetable from my garden yesterday - a single pea pod which i shared with my family (everyone gets a tiny bite!).  they applauded me.  i felt like i had received a shiny gold star.  everyday my kids spend hours in the backyard.  we were given a swing set by friends from the church, complete with slide and rings, so now we have a bonified playground out our back door.  sincerely?  i wonder how i could be more blessed.
today scott preached on Sabbath and the beauty of God's call to rest:  to remember his miraculously taking us out of our self-slavery, to cease our striving as though we are the center of the universe, and to bless others.  it was a beautiful, lung-filling word to the weariness of soul and body.  i was asked last-minute to sing on the worship team, so I had that joy.  man, i don't know how much i've missed leading until I get the chance to do it again.  there's nothing like purposefully calling others to worship that makes me enter into worship myself.  I picture myself in this giant throneroom, before a beautiful throne of light, and i sing my heart out and will the people around me to do the same.  i don't know if they do - my eyes are always closed!- but i hope.
i've been dealing with a strange sickness the last week-and-a-half.  it started out as pain in my lower back - like someone was waxing it and had just ripped off the wax, but that feeling lasted throughout the day.  the next day the same pain was on the top of my left thigh. and the next two, my right hand and upper arm.  weird eh?  anyways, it's led to vertigo for a day and now some pretty sharp side pain.
sometimes in the middle of the night i will think i'm dying.  I will picture my beautiful children and wish I had more time, i'll look at my husband sleeping and try to memorize his face once more.  then the next day i'll be totally fine, thinking it's just a virus (which, honestly, it most likely is) and that i need to stop being such a drama queen.  but those moments of fear....
i used to live with fear as a companion for many years, and i had forgotten what a monster it is.  how it sucks out your hope and joy and sanity and leaves you crumpled and defeated.  fear is the slavery that i have been rescued from, my exodus.  i have not enjoyed seeing it's ugly head in my bed again.
so, pray for me.  i go to see a doctor on Thursday and have a complete physical next week.
i checked my blog stats before starting this post and saw that i have someone in India, Turkey, even the Phillipines reading my blog.  and Korea!  is that you Conner? could any of you leave a comment?  i'm so curious....
my little girl finished grade one on tuesday.  all week i've been saying to people "ask her what grade she's in!" and she'll say "two!" and we'll clap and cheer.  her teacher wrote on her report card that every day she "tries to be the best person she can be".  i can't express how proud i am of that, of her.
so, a rocky road of a week, culminating in an amazing fireworks display in the little town of Elbow, Saskatchewan, for Canada day.  my daughter on my lap (we watched from in the car so as to not be mosquito appies) and my son, wide eyed and open-mouthed and giddy with the splendor.  again, perfect.  

nourished

i feel well fed.
not just because i made a killer potato salad for dinner tonight - with avocado and shrimp and a lime-dijon dressing - no, i mean more than physical hunger.
we've had thunderstorms here, and monsoon rains.  lots of humidity and excitement in the air - i love the tension of a thunderstorm, the sound, the light, and the warm rains are incredible.  today however, the rains have stopped and given us the gift of blue sky, long grass, happy gardens and green.  so, i'm environmentally fed.
on saturday i went to a silent prayer retreat, hosted by the women's ministry coordinator of our church, and held at a catholic retreat center in the heart of the city of saskatoon.  it's an incredible place, lush gardens, sprawling trees, walks down to the river, statues placed in tiled alcoves, fountains and artwork and rooms with prayer benches and signs marked 'silent'.  i loved it.  surprised?  i'm sure many don't think of the word silent when they think of me, but it is a testimony to God's work in my life that the words "silent prayer retreat" didn't make me want to run for the hills screaming.  and it felt truly miraculous that i enjoyed two hours of just me and my Maker.  i used to put the timer on for 10 minutes of prayer and start looking at the clock after 4 minutes thinking "really?!".
i feel like God is bringing me to a place of trusting Him in a new way, in a way of letting my heart unfold in front of Him without too much fear of the results.  i've been asking the question "what is my deepest hearts desire?  what motivates me at my core?" (a question i was encouraged to ask in the book "sacred rhythms" by Ruth Haley-Barton).  it's an interesting question that initially made me feel nervous - what if i come to see that my deepest desires are not being met? what will that mean?  but in the asking and revealing God has shown me that he has formed that deepest deep within, for His purposes and in His likeness.  so, now to live it out!  now to shelter my desire, to protect it from my own twistings, and to use it for God's glory.
i know i'm being a bit cryptic here but i hope you're following me.  i've had some spiritual food, and feel beautifully full for the moment.

also while i was on the retreat i went for a walk out in the misty rain and was breathing deeply and marveling at creation (and the catholic church!  where are Protestant retreat centers with this much attention to the arts and beauty?).  i stepped in a mud puddle and fell on my butt.  it was actually one of the more graceful falls of my life, one foot up in the air, and straight down - it had the sensation of slow motion.  i sat on the ground laughing at the thought of how many silent witnesses there might be.  people on their own prayer retreats, looking out their windows, deep in contemplation, seeing a young woman out for a stroll...wait a minute...she's down!  did anyone else see that?!!! she looked like a graceful rock.  how old is she?  maybe she's not so young....
i had to ice my hip and take pain killers to get to sleep that night.  how old am i?! 

i bought a bright pink bike yesterday at walmart.  i know, i know.  but i'm not the best bicyclist so why spend the money?  this bike seems to be calling to me from the garage. i can't wait to take it out and feel the wind in my hair and sit up straight with my head back, laughing.  i'll be flavia de luce!  i'll travel my children all over this fair city like the von trapps in curtains.  i need to give my bike a name.  maybe flavia will do.

it is past my bedtime but i would like to leave you with a prayer.  this was read to begin the prayer retreat and as soon as i heard it i wanted to give it to as many people as possible.  so, a gift.  for you.

a morning offering

i bless the night that nourished my heart
to set the ghosts of longing free
into the flow and figure of dream
that went to harvest from the dark
bread for the hunger no one sees.

all that is eternal in me
welcomes the wonder of this day,
the field of brightness it creates
offering time for each thing
to arise and illuminate.

i place on the alter of dawn:
the quiet loyalty of breath,
the tent of thought where i shelter,
waves of desire i am shore to
and all beauty drawn to the eye.

may my mind come alive today
to the invisible geography
that invites me to new frontiers,
to break the dead shell of yesterdays,
to risk being disturbed and changed.

may i have the courage today
to live the life that I would love,
to postpone my dream no longer
but do at last what i came here for
and waste my heart on fear no more.
                               john O'donohue

oh, saskatchewan

we drove to lloydminster thursday night, a small town who's claim to fame is that it is half in alberta and half in saskatchewan.  we stayed at a hotel on the alberta side - if you're anywhere near a border it seems important to cross it for some reason.  we started driving at the kids bedtime, with the utopian dream that they would sleep all the way there. silly silly parents.  do you know what two nights in a row of fighting your children to go to sleep while locked in a car with them for three hours is like?  you should try it!
but, there was redemption.....
                                            the view.
i know, many of you do not believe me.  like i used to, you think of saskatchewan as a flat field, stretching on and on forever, with a straight highway in the middle that reaches out to the point of invisibility - one of those perspective drawings you did with a ruler in grade 8.  

but picture the real saskatchewan.

there's a field, freshly tilled, with a peach fuzz covering of green - new shoots beginning to venture out.  the field is slowly rising up from the highway, and you can see the lines of the rows that move along the contours of hills and circle around groupings of trees - the word copse comes to mind.  in the middle of one copse, lets say its made of birch trees, their trunks white and gleaming, their leaves tiny and rustling, is a farmhouse.  behind this field the land rises and falls, revealing other fields and tiny beautiful forests and small lakes and silos and red barns...can you see it?  its breathtaking. 
we came to a section of land just west of the Battlefords where i could imagine i was in england.  the saskatchewan river was close to the highway at this point, and the land on its banks had these flat topped cliffs - i was thinking of the scene in pride and prejudice when kiara knightly is standing on the cliff in the lake district, her dress bilowing around her. 
a few years ago i read the no.1 ladies detective agency book series and one of my favourite parts, that in all honestly made me cry,  was when in the last paragraph she would say "oh Africa, Africa, Africa, Africa."  like she was speaking out her heart for her home, despite its trials and inadequacies.  and, not to be overly dramatic, but it happened to me!  i watched my new homeland out my van window and heard 'saskatchewan, saskatchewan, sasktachewan" like a rhythm, calling me to stillness and beauty and rest and thankfulness. 
growing up in Ontario i have an affinity for fields and lakes - i find them romantic and enticing.  as i watched this similar landscape roll by me the other night i started thinking about the last number of years.  how i would visit ontario and see such a landscape and have this great urge to run.  to get out of the car and run through the field and into the trees and escape.  not that my life was horrible, but the weight and the pressure and the seemingly unending work would rise up in me and i would want to run and run and run.
i looked out my window thursday night at the beauty around me and i realized that i don't want to run anymore.  i don't want escape.  i can let that beauty sink in and warm me up and move me on.  it was an amazing revelation.

i realize it's been a long time since my last post, and i apologize.  i'll fill you in on the highlights of the last two weeks:

• i put my upper back out somehow in the middle of the night in my sleep two mondays ago and today's been my first discomfort-free day.
• i got a traffic camera ticket for 230 dollars for running a red.  i wanted to go to court and fight it by pleading for mercy because at the time i ran it i was lost coming home from my husbands first slowpitch game that i had to leave early because my daughter peed all over her pants while attempting to pee in the bush.  scott convinced me to just pay it.
• my four-year-old graduated preschool and was a part of a graduation concert that included the song "jesus wants me for a sunbeam".
• i can now add "vbs decorator" on my resume
• the waterparks are now open all over the city, and all public parks have children's activities like games and crafts daily.  awesome!!
• i bought tickets for a concert with the children's festival, packed a picnic dinner, got the children hyped, my husband home early from work and we headed out.  we arrived at the festival grounds excited and ready and quickly realized that it closed an hour earlier.  so, my poor poor children ate their picnic surrounded by closed booths with signs like "oragami" and "lego creations" and "dinosaur dig".  heartbreak.  thankfully, the show - a black light puppet display of three eric carle stories - made up for the loss.
• i gained five pounds.
• i had an awesome time in lloydminster with kimberly bogelund and family - 6 kids and four adults at a park for 6 hours.  we fought the sun and the mosquitos and sun stroke and came out victorious!  i mean, we had burns and bites and headaches, but it was worth it.

time for bed.

backyard miracle update

so, here's the new play house that scott and a neighbour/friend built. it may not look like much, but it's heaven.
i added some garden photos to the spring post below.

spring

well, it's here. spring has sprung in saskatoon with such glory that it provides winter amnesia.  the tree in my front yard is brilliant in youthful green, i believe a bleeding heart is growing in my front flower bed, and the grass has now turned truly into a lawn.  i have spent much of the last week watching my children run through sprinklers, or not watching them play in their new fort (my backyard miracle!).  it's heaven!
or, it would be if i didn't have a cold.
i know, whine whine, but summer colds suck.
i have thought of blogging a few times in the last number of days, but have thought "what is there to say?".  my brain is currently swimming in snot.  and, truth be told, i've been feeling a little down about the blog lately, wondering if anyone is actually reading it, and then
then!
i got a little postcard in the mail from a bosom buddy (bethany....... - that's said in a drawn out fashion with my head tilted down and to the side and my mouth slightly smily with a tina fey pout and my eyes looking up through my bangs at you - bethany......!) with great blogger encouragement, so i'm back at it.  even with nothing to say. :)

i went to my first (cashless) poker tournament on monday.  well, first i learned how to play poker at the end of our home group on sunday.  it went a little like this: 

               'amen'.        
               pause. 

'ummm....i have this serious problem that i need help with and if you don't want to or can't that's fine.'
              affirmative and sympathetic nods and smiles from all.
'scott and i are in a poker tournament tomorrow and we need to learn texas hold-em tonight.'

i locked eyes on the one guy with the ear to ear grin and knew we were saved!

i was the second person out in the tournament, which landed me a set of toronto maple leafs cards  (i'm sure there's some hockey significance to the gift and the losing, but i'm not privy to such trivia).  scott, however, made it to the last table.  i think it was the painful colouring of his hawaiian shirt - he caused his opponents moments of mental hysteria.

all-in-all it was a very fun time, despite the grandious amounts of deep-fried appys.  the organizer of the game (and youth group pastor at our church) asked some friends to cook from a specific cookbook his wife had given him last Christmas, entitled "this is why you're fat".  delicacies included deep-fried pepsi and doughnuts wrapped in bacon.   
now, lest you think that people in saskatchwan actually eat like that, it was a joke. 
there were also some amazing little bacon-cheese-pastry somethings and mexican layered dip and home-made caramel corn.  yum.

i planted my first vegetable garden on the weekend.  i'm doing the square-foot box method where you plant a different crop in each square foot of your 4x4' garden.  so, i have two types of basil, two types of tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, beans, carrots (hopefully - they don't seem to be sprouting), beets, rosemary, oregano and strawberries (they take up four feet).  every morning  i come downstairs and look out my kitchen window to see if my tomato leaves look wilty.  i love it!  sunday morning i grabbed a cup of tea and went out to water in my pj's.  i came in five minutes later refreshed and happy and with two misquito bites on my NECK!  they (meaning the mosquito population) must have heard of my twilight tendencies.  i wore a shirt with a collar to church to try and hide them, but the first women i saw graciously pointed them out to me.  thank you.

well, i must rustle my children off to bed and my nose to a kleenex and my body to the couch (in that order).

quick news flash - my kids just came in from riding their bikes at the church parking lot (my daughter is still learning to go training-wheel free).  can i just say how, with all the talk of the church not being a building, it's so nice to have a church building!  anyways, the news is that my dear son went to blow a dandylion seedhead and sucked in by mistake.  not recommended for humans.

backyard miracles

i went to a craft show a few weeks ago.  before i went i had the thought "way to go Janet!  way to support local artists!"  i've been to this show once before and loved it.  it's held in this old warehouse in what looks to be the middle of nowhere (in the middle of a city) and i think it's organized by a local screen printers guild that actually works in some other section of the building.  anyways, beautiful stuff.
i found my new favourite pair of earrings there for five dollars.  yes!  you read that right.  they are angel wings, made of something silvery.  they make me feel like i have a tattoo hanging from my ears and they make me think of my beautiful friend Cheri, and they're long enough that when i move my head quickly they tap my neck.  tap tap tap go my angel wings. 
today i wore them (again) and was in Rona when the cashier said to me (cue troubling music)
her: 'oh, i totally have those exact earrings.  did you get them in a make-your-own-earrings set?'
me: 'no, i actually bought them at a local craft fair' (at this point i think she must be mistaken)
her: 'oh, cause i bought one of those kits and they have the same pair in them'
me:  'well, i probably paid much more than you then..... five dollars'
her:  'ya, well, i paid four. 
       (hmmmm)
but, i mean, there was a whole bunch in the kit...."
       (grrrrr)
me:  'did you get the kit on-line?' (please say etsy please say etsy)
her:  'oh no, just at walmart'


you have got to be kidding me.


icing on the cake:  the girl beside her leans over and says "ya, you can totally get kits like that at Michaels".
nail in the coffin.  how many other coloqualisms can i write here? 

my angel wings have lost some angelic presence, i must confess.

on a brighter note, my husband made me a square foot garden box for mother's day this week.  i actually have a bonified garden in my bonified backyard.  i planted lettuce, spinach, mint, beets, carrots and peas this week. i feel so domestic i'm hankering for a new apron. 

there is something so pleasurable about putting a seed in the ground, covering it up, giving it some water, and watching a miracle.  i mean, there's nothing i can do but give the seed the right conditions for growth, i can't personally make it grow.  it's a beautiful reminder that God is absolutely in charge. 

i was listening to an AWESOME sermon the other day while painting.  i was painting chain mail (as in the armor not the annoying letters) and a horse, but that's another matter.  the sermon was from Brian Buhler at Pacific Community and it was on Psalm 3. 
first, let me say that i was filled with thankfulness that so many of my dear friends and Parkside sojourners now attend this church.  i pictured cori and leah and dawn and jaclyn and vanessa and jenna all sitting and hearing what i was listening to and i so wished i could have been there as well. 
my favourite part of the sermon was when Brian talked about those passages in the Psalms that we all cringe at: the inappropriate, bloodthirsty, bargaining, theologically incorrect parts.  and how he explained that these prayers are a part of our holy scriptures not so much as examples of prayers to pray, but examples of honesty in prayer.  they give us an invitation to prayer those desperate prayers that in other circumstances we would never pray.  "God, if you just....then i promise I'll....".  prayers of anger and loss and bitterness and disillusionment.  like God is saying "i can take it.  tell me how you really feel".  and then, after we've laid it all out on the table, God reminds us of his truth, his wisdom, his timing, his goodness.  something we fail to grasp when we continue to stuff our true selves behind veneers of piety.

hey, do you want to listen to it?  here it is: the transforming friendship.  it's the april 16th one.

tomorrow another backyard miracle is taking place here in saskatoon:  my husband is going to build a play set for our kids.  yes.  scott's never been a handy man before, but it's been something simmering in him somewhere - fanned by summer jobs and inspirational friends (eddie!).  we got a play set for free off kijiji which we took at first to be an incredible miracle, then found out in the midst of dismantling it that the wood was half rotted.  so, now we have half a play set (and a backyard big enough to hide it!), a neighbour with tools, and all the right elements for my husband to break out of the anderson family tradition and build!!!  i will definitely post pics when it's done.  i can hardly contain my excitement.  two things built in one week!!!

saskatoon has finally greened up, there are buds on my pear trees and tulips in neighbours gardens.  how would we ever survive without the promises of spring?  i lay on the hammock in the sun today in complete happiness, with my little boy rocking me back and forth. i think that i will meet the goodness of God many times in my backyard this year.  i pray the same for you.

today feels like a turning point. 

first, it was my little man's last day of being three years old.  sigh.  i picked him up into my arms at the grocery store and said "pretty soon you'll be too big for me to do this!" and he said "i can stand on a chair and hug you."  he's been using big words lately like 'familiar' and 'appreciate'.  i can't believe my youngest is four. 

secondly, i started attending a bootcamp class with two friends today.  i've really been asking God for this (i can NOT believe i just wrote that, but it's true) and it was such an awesome answer to prayer to have friends to work out with.  for some reason i can motivate other people to exercise much better than i can motivate myself.  but i was actually excited for boot camp.  miracle!  i remember in BC watching my friend Leah, and how she would be so excited to exercise and i thought (sorry Leah) "coo-coo".  exercise has always been a painful process for me, albeit necessary:  like fasting, or breast-feeding, or small-talk.  but now...nothing beats that endorphine rush, or the satisfaction i feel knowing i've worked hard at my health.  and i'm proud of the example i'm being for my kids.  and secretly proud of my thighs.  don't tell.

third, it was 18 degrees in Saskatoon today, and i felt the incredible sensation of being hot.  ahhhhh.  we barbequed steak for dinner and splurged on corn-on-the-cob.  we walked along the river and explored the foot-bride near the wier.  we saw a pelican!  a big white one bobbing up and down on the water.  who knew?  and i got my first saskatoon misquito bite.  it's begun.

fourth, carter started his first soccer class today.  i think his team name is going to be the "little monkeys" and their chant is a very cute "oo-oo-ahh-ahh".  yes, he cried at least twice in the practice because someone else was using the ball he wanted, but he also trapped the ball with his foot quite well a few times and managed to listen to most of the instructions.  baby steps.

i guess today feels like i've settled in an inch more in this new home.  like i've wiggled my hips and sunk down a bit deeper.  new rhythms, new appreciation, new discoveries.  it feels great (except for the misquito bite). 

the other day scott and i were talking about a church in the area and their approach to leadership and i had the thought "maybe that's the answer for Parkside!", then quickly realized we are no longer at Parkside, and there no longer is a Parkside, and,well, that's hard. it's hard.  there are some wishes and wonderings and what-ifs in my soul that i continue to stuff down.  no answers in this life i'm sure.  but some scars that i tenderly stroke as dear friends, as beautiful memories and deep loss.

on saturday night scott pulled out his guitar and i pulled out my paintbrushes and we sang and painted for an hour.  songs we haven't sung in a long time.  prayers we needed to remember.  it was lovely.  i'm currently painting someone's vision of the kingdom of God - a huge battle scene actually - and it's inspiring and terrifying all at the same time.  inspiring in the vision, and terrifying in the fact that i'm painting chain mail and horses and a castle.  !  i'll post it when it's done in four months.  seriously.

i also went to a class on the weekend that taught me how to plant and tend succulents (one of my favourite variety of plants).  the teacher was a sassy homosexual named roger who was wonderful and said things like "a rounded teaspoon ladies, we're not baking here" and "you'll find my succulent tips on the website".  succulent tips.  i love it.  so, i'll leave you with some of my own succulence: 

• don't skip rope if you have poor bladder control (learned that one in bootcamp today)
• bbq your steak for 2 minutes, each side, on high heat - then tent with foil for 10 minutes and perfection!
• if your kitchenaid mixer falls on your foot don't watch the blood pooling under your skin because it will make you want to pass out.
• prioritize sabbath
• my new favourite author is Laurie R. King (not to be confused with Laurie King who does erotic photography - this one learned at the computor kiosk in the middle of indigo)
• try Stash's double bergamot earl grey tea
• live thankfully

blessings to you all

ps. could someone hug leah for me?  and dawn?  and vanessa? and could someone encourage bethany that she's an incredible mother and artist? and could someone rub Jaclyn's belly for me? and tell Kandy she's beautiful? and kiss my mother-in-law on the cheek? thank you.