hypochondria

so, i didn't blog last week.  sorry about that.  do you care?  i have this fantasy that somewhere out there someone is opening their laptop, navigating to my blog, and letting out a little cry of dismay. 
i'm not sure i should have shared that.  or if i should share what's to come, but what the heck.

i've been nauseous.  look at all the vowels in that word!  it's nauseating to write.  scott and i have both been struggling for weeks with this virus who's only means of making itself known is with a sinking queasy feeling after you eat.  it will disappear for a meal, a day, even two.  then wham-o!  it strikes again. 

after a few weeks of this i started to worry a little.  what if i'm pregnant?  i let the thought rumble around in my brain for a few moments like marbles in a bowl.  obviously, an empty bowl, because i soon remembered that scott is experiencing the same symptoms.  and he's not pregnant.
 and then i remembered that he's had a vasectomy. 
    and then i remembered that i'm on my period. 

dearest father-in-law, i'm sorry you had to read that.  i can hear you guffaw in my mental ears. 

obviously, it's a little embarassing to let you in on my spasmatic throught life.  but aren't we all prone to a little hypochondria? (not that pregnancy is an illness, but in my experience it comes with months of puking my gutts out)  don't these moments of weakness unite us in some strange way, and help us to laugh at ourselves?  i think some of the best stories i've heard from friends are connected to some fleeting paranoia

• waking up a husband in the middle of a romantic hotel stay because you're quite certain your numb arm means a heart attack (your arm was asleep),
• driving yourself to the hospital because while reaching over to pick up the casserole you're pretty sure your placenta separated from your uterus (it was gas),
• you went to the doctor for a pregnancy test because your gums were really bleeding when you flossed and the last time that happened you were pregnant (but they were bleeding because you never floss your teeth - in fact the last time you did was in your last pregnancy).  okay, that last one was me again! 

but truly, how can we not be a little frayed around the medical edges?  we're constantly bombarded with signs of stroke, heart attack, diabetes, breast cancer...i mean, there must be a good reason why we ALL need to know this stuff right?  it's so that we can micro-analyse every symptom until we're basically sitting on the examination table in our paper dress, practicing the speech we'll give to the doctor when she walks in the door about how were are on death's doorstep and really just need her consent.   just let me go, good doctor.  it's been a full life.

when my daughter was two weeks old we took her to the hospital because she was constipated.  no, i'm not kidding.  the intake nurse looked at me, crying, and said "are you okay?"
i whimpered "she's just so little....so small...i didn't think we'd be taking her to the hospital so soon....." (meaning, i was anticipating taking her to the hospital over some reason or other....but maybe after she'd reached at least a month of maturity). 
she answered "yeah....we're going to get you in to see a doctor right away...."
which confirmed my suspicions that something was drastically wrong with my baby, but was really about the nurse thinking along the lines of
                   "ticking
                           time
                                  bomb".
the doctor walked in, humming.  he played with her feet.  he literally said something along the lines of "do-de-do-de-doo".  looked me in the eyes and pronounced "yeah...you're babies fine.  how are you?".

ah, man.  you know why i can laugh and tell you these things?  because i know you have similar stories!!  don't pretend you don't!!!

so, feel free to share your hypochondraic thoughts with me, i will try and suppress the urge to make them my own.