autumn

the tree outside my window is yellow, and the hedge in the front yard moves between orange and red.  fall is here and resplendent, and surprisingly warm.  each day i get another opinion on the weather - some say this is typical, some say its ridiculously atypical.  all i know is that it's my first fall in Saskatoon,the air is crisp, the grass is green, the sun is radiant, and i'm loving it.
i've hit a little life snag:  i have made myself too busy.  in August, when i was planning my various involvements i had this sneaky snaky suspicion that i was overdoing it.  i ignored it. 
i should not have.
and today a friend asked 'what are you doing just for you?' and it was a light bulb turning on in my clouded brain - this is why i feel so overwhelmed!  what was i thinking!!??  i am leading or hosting every thing that i am a part of.  i am ridiculous.
so, tonight i gave myself a time out in the tub for fifteen minutes.  it wasn't enough, but it was a start.

my doctor told me last week that i should be going off of yeast and sugar (any of you with lady parts can probably figure out why).  i said to her "for my whole life?" and she said "well...if you had diabetes....."
what?                     i mean, what?!  what does diabetes have to do with me?

anyways, i talked her down to "reducing sugar intake".  :)  i realized yesterday that if i were to cook taking into consideration all of the food issues/allergies/sensitivities in my home, i would have to make a gluten-free-yeast-free-nut-free-dairy-free-sugar-free meal.  i told this to scott and he said "not all nuts.  carter can have peanuts.  thank goodness!!"
i don't think he got the point.

i finished a painting last week - pictured on the right.  this is my first painting for Ebenezer, our church.  it feels like a big deal - i did a series of paintings for our church in BC, so it's another way of settling myself in, sinking my butt deeper into the pew. 
scott and leyton have been teaching about discipleship lately, and i wanted to paint something that revealed a facet of prayer.  i found this quote by Henri Nouwen

Praying is no easy matter.  It demands a relationship in which you allow someone other than yourself to enter into the very center of your person, to see there what you would rather leave in darkness, and to touch there what you would rather leave untouched.

i thought of this image when i was on a silent retreat in the spring.  sometimes i get this ache in my chest, like something is missing.  i first noticed it after i gave birth to my first born, that when i wasn't near her this discomfort would develop.  i thought it had something to do with my milk, and i got in the habit of rubbing the area between my clavicle bones, rubbing down the intensity, trying to ease and mother whatever it was taking place inside me.  but the feeling has not fully disappeared.  it's not always there, but every so often it will return and i will try and soothe it while looking around me for what is missing or left undone.  sometimes in prayer i want to just rip myself open before God, lay it all bare, so that he can fix that ache.  He can tidy up the mess and change me.
and, in truth, he does.  somehow.  miraculously.  i am not who i once was.

For the word of God is alive and powerful.  It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow.  It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.  Nothing is all creation is hidden from God.  Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes, and He is the one to whom we are accountable.
Hebrews 4:12-13

so, in the midst of the craziness of my schedule, i am well cared for.  i am known and understood.  i am watched over and guarded.  i am comforted and healed. 

my prayer is that you would be encouraged to expose your depths to God, your aching places, and that you would find He's already there, loving and working and holding.
amen.