nuts

this morning my daughter sat at the breakfast table (which, in case you were wondering, is the same as the lunch and dinner table), and said "well, it's official.  i'm nuts".
scott replied "if you were truly nuts you wouldn't know it.  i think that's one of the components of losing your mind, you don't notice it's gone" (or something to that effect, probably not as eloquent).

hmmm.

i beg to differ sweet husband.

last week i went nuts.  and i knew it. 

our house went on the market last monday, and on that day and the next 6 to follow it i cleaned my home from top to bottom.  every day.  i felt like my eyes were dirt magnets, capable of finding the smallest scuff, the errant dust, the hidden fingerprint.  i was a dirt spy.  a dirt detective.  the sherlock holmes of house care. 

my poor children.

on tuesday, only day 2 of my psychosis, we got into the car to drive my daughter to school and she cried "OH LORD!!!  sell our house!!!"  it was a cry of passion, a psalmian lament from deep within her. 

and, Praise the Lord above, He listened.  we had an offer by wednesday, and the conditions should be lifted and the sale final by this coming friday.

so, you're thinking, what's your problem Janet?  why the melt down when your house was only on the market for less than a week?  i think my poor little anxiety meter was still bruised from our last move.  two and a half years seems to have not been enough time to forgive and forget.  i went right back into the crisis mode of the fall of 2010 - my husband was already here in saskatoon and i was still in cloverdale BC, with two little ones and our house for sale.  i was a clean maniac.  i remember yelling "spit in the hole, not in the sink!!!".  i had this routine of getting the kids up and cleaning behind them as they dressed and worked their way downstairs for breakfast - beds made and bathroom clean before cereal even hit their little lips.  i told myself i would be prepared for anything - a last minute showing or interested neighbour.  i had cookie dough waiting in the freezer and would throw in a batch whenever anyone came through the house, so it smelled like deliciousness, and so i'd have a little note and fresh cookies for the prospective buyers.  imagine the tizzy i would fly into if the realtor didn't show!!  two months of escalating craziness.

and i was right back there starting day one of this sale.  it didn't help that somehow we missed the fact that scott was going away on a staff planning retreat for three days.  he left the day the house went on MLS, and there was a showing that night.  as soon as i realized what situation i was in AGAIN - selling a house with two kids and no husband to help - BLAM!  a little switch in my brain went from sane to nuts. 

i think the switch has been flicked back.  but, if scott's right, i wouldn't really know would i? 

i'm comforted by the fact that my kids have stopped pleading with God (at least, out loud), that i ignored dirt today (although it was difficult) and that i haven't wiped down our bathroom since saturday.  baby steps to healing.