why

i've been struck with the question why this easter season. 

last sunday (palm sunday), while doing my hair, i had the thought that it sure would have been great to have done an installation at the church for easter.  i thought about a painting i saw while in north van, one that an artist at our new church had done for last easter - a black canvas with a lamb.  it got me imagining.  by the time i made it to church i had a rough idea.  i grabbed two artists and pitched it, and by thursday it was hung.  four canvases, one for each day of the weekend:  sacrifice for good friday, darkness for saturday, resurrection for sunday, and ascension for monday.  i was in charge of saturday and monday. 

does the easter weekend saturday have a special name?  maybe holy saturday?  i like to call it dark saturday, or black saturday - but i usually get some awkward looks from my husband.  i think it's one of the most meaningful days of the year for me.  a day of utter despair and hopelessness and fear.  i know, this makes me sound totally morbid.  i find it hard to relate to the feeding of 5000 or lazarus stumbling stinkily out of the tomb, i have no grid for walking on water or watching my hero be crucified.  but i can relate to disillusionment and frustration.  i can sink myself into the story of the disciples on this saturday, huddled and broken, totally bewildered. 

i think of Christ's last words "my God, why have you forsaken me?".  they must have rung in the minds of the twelve (well, eleven) all day.  why?  why?  why? 

sometimes i feel it is my duty as a Christian to not ask the question why.  to just accept, and trust, and stuff my disappointment and move on - but not so.  i actually worship a God who chose to fully enter the human experience, even to the point of groaning this question that plagues us all:  why?  Jesus models to me that there are times when it is appropriate to struggle with the Creator God of the universe.  that He is not immune to our despair, that He can handle our anger and incredulity. 

incredible.

what a gift.  to serve a master who understands me so deeply. who gets the breadth of the human experience.  from utter despair to incredible joy.   

these days i'm asking why we have only had two years in saskatoon, a land that i truly love.  why the upheaval for our family again.  why the stress and strain.  why do i have to leave these friends, this home, and opportunities here.  and i truly am experiencing Christ's comfort in my questions.  i'm even seeing some answers in how scott's leaving is igniting great conversation for positive change in our church.  i have hope that my future is secure.

because Jesus was not only a human.  He is and was also God.  and so, while i am directing my whys at the sky, i am comforted that He is reigning: immovable, reliable, with a desire for only justice since he has experienced profound injustice, with empathy for my frustration and confidence that He holds me. 

 

i serve a risen saviour, he's in the world today

i know that he is living, whatever men may say

i see his hand of mercy i hear his voice of cheer

and just the time i need him, he's always near.