there are a few things that i don't like about myself.
here's why: they seem rather antithetical to the life i'm attempting to live. here's the top three.
1. i love presents.
2. i love public affirmation.
3. i love teen fiction.
this obviously isn't an exhaustive list. there are a few other qualities i could do without: my instant anger when i see a suburbian hummer, how i have to put toilet paper down on any toilet that has a hint of neglect, my ridiculously loud laugh that turns heads in any public place....but the first three cause me the most chagrin.
1. it's hard to work towards simplicity and contentment when i just love getting presents so much! my friends tell me about having their family members forget about christmas presents, or give to charities in lieu of gifts, and my initial response is "yes! that's awesome!" and then immediately afterwards, stepping on the toes of my altruism, is a sadness. no presents? no wrapping paper? no flush of excitement when someone opens the thoughtful present i have laboured to find (or make)? no flush of excitement when I open the thoughtful present someone else has laboured over?
so far the score is: presents - 100%
2. i once worked with a woman who was quiet. she didn't say a word in staff meetings while i was verbally processing and making a fool of myself. (i know all you verbal processors are commiserating with me) and then, once a month, her mouth would open. a hush would fall over the crowded staff room, and she would say a sentence that was simple and defined and meaningful. something that she had been mulling over internally (and probably praying about! ugh!) while we were hashing it out with our stupid arguments.
i couldn't stand it.
why oh why couldn't i be more like her? and why oh why did she get all embarrassed when someone tried to compliment her, shrugging it off and asking for no public praise - while i was sitting across the table thinking "i hope they say i did something well....i hope they give me flowers! in front of the whole school!!"
sigh. i love public affirmation. and public displays of affection. my husband singing my praises in a crowded room while handing me a gift bag....seriously! i am this twisted!!
3. i'm currently in escondido california. it's a cool cloudy day. but the air is sweet and the palm trees lush and the grass green and the bougainvilleas verdant. we've passed a house by the highway each day that has a front yard completely covered with fuchsia flowers. just driving from the airport felt like a journey into health. beauty is so good for the soul. i spent three minutes at a beach today (it was FREEZING), and the sun broke through the clouds and i walked along little rivulets carved into the sand by small tide pools. i hunted for shells. drank a cup of tea.
i was restored.
on the two flights we took to get here i read twilight. again. i read for at least three hours. i probably read with a wistful smile on my face. because i love it. and a part of me hates that i love it, and i am embarrassed that i do, and i try to hide the cover as long as possible. but i love it. and i loved "eragon" that i read last week, and harry potter, and the hunger games. i love teen fiction. deal.
so, i finished twilight last night, revelling in the passages where there's a touch along her cheek, or a fleeting kiss, or smouldering eyes. i know, i'm ridiculous. but i would much rather read about small acts filled with great longing than large acts filled with great relief. do you know what i mean? could you pretend you do?
wow, i'm feeling rather exposed. what is it about hot climates? before you know what you've done you're in a bikini walking through target and could care less. i think i feel so nourished by sunshine and flowers and hot tubs that i'm teetering on recklessness. so, i've actually written an entire post about the things i don't really like about myself. there you go.
now, could you compliment me a little?