About Me

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I now live in Victoria, after a couple years on the North Shore of Vancouver, and a (too) brief time in the prairies. Working as an artist, mother and wife (not necessarily in that order), i am striving to live well, to find the truth of God in all things, and to pass on this truth to others.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

three things i hate about me. well, hate is a strong word.

there are a few things that i don't like about myself.
here's why: they seem rather antithetical to the life i'm attempting to live.  here's the top three.

1.  i love presents.
2.  i love public affirmation.
3.  i love teen fiction.

this obviously isn't an exhaustive list.  there are a few other qualities i could do without:  my instant anger when i see a suburbian hummer, how i have to put toilet paper down on any toilet that has a hint of neglect, my ridiculously loud laugh that turns heads in any public place....but the first three cause me the most chagrin.

1.  it's hard to work towards simplicity and contentment when i just love getting presents so much!  my friends tell me about having their family members forget about christmas presents, or give to charities in lieu of gifts, and my initial response is "yes!  that's awesome!" and then immediately afterwards, stepping on the toes of my altruism, is a sadness.  no presents?  no wrapping paper?  no flush of excitement when someone opens the thoughtful present i have laboured to find (or make)? no flush of excitement when I open the thoughtful present someone else has laboured over?

so far the score is:  presents - 100%

2.  i once worked with a woman who was quiet.  she didn't say a word in staff meetings while i was verbally processing and making a fool of myself.  (i know all you verbal processors are commiserating with me) and then, once a month, her mouth would open.  a hush would fall over the crowded staff room, and she would say a sentence that was simple and defined and meaningful.  something that she had been mulling over internally (and probably praying about! ugh!) while we were hashing it out with our stupid arguments.

i couldn't stand it.

why oh why couldn't i be more like her?  and why oh why did she get all embarrassed when someone tried to compliment her, shrugging it off and asking for no public praise - while i was sitting across the table thinking "i hope they say i did something well....i hope they give me flowers!  in front of the whole school!!"

sigh.  i love public affirmation.  and public displays of affection.  my husband singing my praises in a crowded room while handing me a gift bag....seriously!  i am this twisted!!

3.  i'm currently in escondido california.  it's a cool cloudy day.  but the air is sweet and the palm trees lush and the grass green and the bougainvilleas verdant.  we've passed a house by the highway each day that has a front yard completely covered with fuchsia flowers.  just driving from the airport felt like a journey into health.  beauty is so good for the soul.  i spent three minutes at a beach today (it was FREEZING), and the sun broke through the clouds and i walked along little rivulets carved into the sand by small tide pools.  i hunted for shells.  drank a cup of tea.

i was restored.

on the two flights we took to get here i read twilight.  again.  i read for at least three hours.  i probably read with a wistful smile on my face.  because i love it.  and a part of me hates that i love it, and i am embarrassed that i do, and i try to hide the cover as long as possible.  but i love it.  and i loved "eragon" that i read last week, and harry potter, and the hunger games.  i love teen fiction.  deal.

so, i finished twilight last night, revelling in the passages where there's a touch along her cheek, or a fleeting kiss, or smouldering eyes.  i know, i'm ridiculous.  but i would much rather read about small acts filled with great longing than large acts filled with great relief.  do you know what i mean?  could you pretend you do?

wow, i'm feeling rather exposed.  what is it about hot climates?  before you know what you've done you're in a bikini walking through target and could care less.  i think i feel so nourished by sunshine and flowers and hot tubs that i'm teetering on recklessness.  so, i've actually written an entire post about the things i don't really like about myself.  there you go.

now, could you compliment me a little?


  1. I love you Janet for your honesty and I LOVE your loud laugh! It makes me laugh. It is contagious! And I was just at a party tonight with all these really smart people and I admitted that I loved the Twilight books and I had to go see the last movie. She responded with,"I could only watch the first 10 minutes and then I turned it off." But I am on team Janet, I love teen fiction as well! Oh how I wish I could be in the sun right now!
    Love Cori

  2. I love teen fiction! I love your honesty and your laugh and your humour and your talent and the welcome a space with you in it holds and the thoughtful gifts you give and your childlike wonder at receiving one. I don't love that you get to be in the sun right now. But that's more about me than you ;)

    PS. I hate that I love to recieve compliments
    I hate that I can't keep house to save my life
    I hate that I criticize first and think later ....
    see, we all have things we hate :)

  3. Dear girl
    You are more honest with yourself and others than many of us choose to be. You and your writing remind me a lot of my daughter-in-law, who writes a blog, raises 3 kids and is a photographer. In the middle of all your honesty, though, honestly look at and remember all he things you like about yourself, and if you need help compiling a list, we'll all help.
    By the by, I read teen fiction as well. I am on the selection committee for the Sask. Young Readers' Choice award; grade 7-9, so i probably read 50-75 YA books every fall and winter. We need a YA book club. Have you read Art Slade's Hunchback series (he's a local author of incredible calibre) and Kenneth Oppel's YA novels? His latest, Dark Endeavour, is about the early years of Frankenstein. It was my absolute favorite this year.
    You write beautifully and I love your vulnerability. It helps us all to grow and change.

  4. Love your thoughts and description of your assumed"foibles." In your expressions of vulnerability you awaken us to our own humanness...thank you.