About Me

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I now live in Victoria, after a couple years on the North Shore of Vancouver, and a (too) brief time in the prairies. Working as an artist, mother and wife (not necessarily in that order), i am striving to live well, to find the truth of God in all things, and to pass on this truth to others.

Monday, February 28, 2011

not enough

do you ever have those weeks when it seems that no matter what you do as a mother it's just not enough?  I could play with my children for four hours straight and they would still look hurt and angry when i had to stop.  i could cook for two hours making the most delicious meal and they would probably still want peanut butter and jam.  i could clean the house from top to bottom - spotless - and in half an hour it's mayhem. 

is this just motherhood, or is this the human condition?  does everyone feel like they're always not quite good enough at their role in life?

i was thinking that there is no boss at the end of my day saying, "hey, you nailed that discipline.  and the healthy snacks?  bonus.  i also see you put in 20 hours of overtime every week for the last 6 years.  that's remarkable!" 
but maybe no one has a boss like that.

i've been thinking about lent today.  it starts next wednesday, and i think this year, as well as fasting something (probably sugar again), i'm going to dig into sabbath.  because that's what's sabbath is all about:  i am not enough.  I will never work enough or do enough or be enough - there will never be a day when i say "there!  accomplished my life work.  now i can rest."  I cannot provide for all of my needs - i can't even control my heart beating.  I cannot be perfect, and will become grossly imperfect the more i try to reach perfection.  i will always be completely and utterly dependant on a living God who loves me, and Sabbath is God's gift to remind me. 

not that i'll stop parenting on Sabbath days, but i'm going to seek out how to rest as a parent.  how can i rest from guilt motivating my actions/reactions?  and rest from perfectionism?  and rest from worry?  and anger?
to enter the shalom of motherhood. 
anyone ever been there?

well, that's the kind of week it's been.  true, PMS might also have had a hand to play in it (sorry male readers).  what also might contribute to some general malaise in the saskatoon area is that today it was colder here than in the arctic.  I might as well get that pet penguin (or as my son says "ping-gwing") i've always wanted. 

then i'll have another thing to clean up after and feel guilty about.


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