change

a friend of mine (hi rita!) taught me how to view my 'stats' as a blogger and i just read that i had 600 page views last month.  wowsers.  there are probably quite a few people annoyed with my lack of communication lately.  what can i say...new home, new friends, new experiences, new LIFE makes janet a sleepy person and blogging is just not making the top of the list.  that said, here i am!
i spoke at a youth group tonight.  a youth leader approached me a few weeks ago and said something to this effect "we're doing a series on holiness and your name was brought up as a good person to speak about it".  i wish i could have seen what my face looked like at that moment:  i was trying not to laugh, and wondering who the heck brought up my name (!!), and also trying to look serious and thoughtful.....and tonight i spoke.  here's what the process brought to light for me:  i'm a different person than the person i often view myself to be.  i really am striving for godliness, and wanting to pursue Christ whole-heartedly.  i feel a little queasy writing that because i am also keenly aware that i'm failing often and failing badly, but God this past week has been encouraging me that I am no longer wearing a mask of devotion, i really am devoted. 
wow, has God ever been working hard on me.

i sat in the youth room tonight and looked around at what could have been my youth group.  the same insecurities, the same flirtation and awkwardness, the same bravado from the boys...a group of people crying out for identity and reason and truth. 

man i'm glad i'm in my thirties.

tomorrow we have a house warming party.  it's minus thirty something without the wind chill so all the warming we can get will be welcomed.  i drove across town a few days ago and said "i live in saskatoon.  i live in saskatchewan" over and over to myself, but it still feels foreign.  i plugged my van in the garage tonight, but first i had to break the ice off of the plug so that i didn't risk electrocution (over-reacting?).  then i put my windshield wiper up in the air to remind myself tomorrow that the van is plugged into the wall - last time i just backed out and ripped it out with me. :)  and my wiper was also covered in ice so i cleaned that off.  a part of me is getting used to this, and a part of me is really really not.

today i went to scrape the frost off my car only to discover the frost was on the INSIDE.  what?!

anyways, tomorrow will be warmed with laughter and friendship and crab dip and spiced nuts and baked cheese.  my home still feels like a dream - i still find the feeling of my carpet between my toes exquisite, and i'm getting comfortable bustling around my kitchen, closing cupboards with my feet while spinning to grab something from the other side of the room.  i love it. 

next week is February break, which is kicked off by the provincial holiday "family day".  why is there no family day in BC?  i'm looking forward to lazy mornings, free from bustling my daughter off to school, and to enjoying time with my kids.  i'm also a little terrified at the thought of keeping them occupied, but i'm stuffing it. 

before the party tomorrow scott is blessing me with a few hours to paint.  i'm working on a giant dogwood (did i tell you?) and loving every brushstroke.  creativity is such a gift - to enter into the work of a creating God.  sometimes i wonder why He bothered creating humanity, but maybe it was for the sheer joy of the creative process.  to step back and marvel and think "how did i create something so beautiful?". 

could God feel that way about me?  stumbling around my words tonight, exposing my inadequacies and failures and desires and triumphs to a group of women who were awkwardly silent and painfully still?  did i reach the beautiful mark?  honestly, i think i did.  i think God looked at my life and felt the same way i did "wow, look what God has done". 

"what a long time it can take to become the person one has always been!"
Parker J Palmer

all praise to you Father.