not enough

do you ever have those weeks when it seems that no matter what you do as a mother it's just not enough?  I could play with my children for four hours straight and they would still look hurt and angry when i had to stop.  i could cook for two hours making the most delicious meal and they would probably still want peanut butter and jam.  i could clean the house from top to bottom - spotless - and in half an hour it's mayhem. 

is this just motherhood, or is this the human condition?  does everyone feel like they're always not quite good enough at their role in life?

i was thinking that there is no boss at the end of my day saying, "hey, you nailed that discipline.  and the healthy snacks?  bonus.  i also see you put in 20 hours of overtime every week for the last 6 years.  that's remarkable!" 
but maybe no one has a boss like that.

i've been thinking about lent today.  it starts next wednesday, and i think this year, as well as fasting something (probably sugar again), i'm going to dig into sabbath.  because that's what's sabbath is all about:  i am not enough.  I will never work enough or do enough or be enough - there will never be a day when i say "there!  accomplished my life work.  now i can rest."  I cannot provide for all of my needs - i can't even control my heart beating.  I cannot be perfect, and will become grossly imperfect the more i try to reach perfection.  i will always be completely and utterly dependant on a living God who loves me, and Sabbath is God's gift to remind me. 

not that i'll stop parenting on Sabbath days, but i'm going to seek out how to rest as a parent.  how can i rest from guilt motivating my actions/reactions?  and rest from perfectionism?  and rest from worry?  and anger?
to enter the shalom of motherhood. 
anyone ever been there?

well, that's the kind of week it's been.  true, PMS might also have had a hand to play in it (sorry male readers).  what also might contribute to some general malaise in the saskatoon area is that today it was colder here than in the arctic.  I might as well get that pet penguin (or as my son says "ping-gwing") i've always wanted. 

then i'll have another thing to clean up after and feel guilty about.
!!!!!

 

change

a friend of mine (hi rita!) taught me how to view my 'stats' as a blogger and i just read that i had 600 page views last month.  wowsers.  there are probably quite a few people annoyed with my lack of communication lately.  what can i say...new home, new friends, new experiences, new LIFE makes janet a sleepy person and blogging is just not making the top of the list.  that said, here i am!
i spoke at a youth group tonight.  a youth leader approached me a few weeks ago and said something to this effect "we're doing a series on holiness and your name was brought up as a good person to speak about it".  i wish i could have seen what my face looked like at that moment:  i was trying not to laugh, and wondering who the heck brought up my name (!!), and also trying to look serious and thoughtful.....and tonight i spoke.  here's what the process brought to light for me:  i'm a different person than the person i often view myself to be.  i really am striving for godliness, and wanting to pursue Christ whole-heartedly.  i feel a little queasy writing that because i am also keenly aware that i'm failing often and failing badly, but God this past week has been encouraging me that I am no longer wearing a mask of devotion, i really am devoted. 
wow, has God ever been working hard on me.

i sat in the youth room tonight and looked around at what could have been my youth group.  the same insecurities, the same flirtation and awkwardness, the same bravado from the boys...a group of people crying out for identity and reason and truth. 

man i'm glad i'm in my thirties.

tomorrow we have a house warming party.  it's minus thirty something without the wind chill so all the warming we can get will be welcomed.  i drove across town a few days ago and said "i live in saskatoon.  i live in saskatchewan" over and over to myself, but it still feels foreign.  i plugged my van in the garage tonight, but first i had to break the ice off of the plug so that i didn't risk electrocution (over-reacting?).  then i put my windshield wiper up in the air to remind myself tomorrow that the van is plugged into the wall - last time i just backed out and ripped it out with me. :)  and my wiper was also covered in ice so i cleaned that off.  a part of me is getting used to this, and a part of me is really really not.

today i went to scrape the frost off my car only to discover the frost was on the INSIDE.  what?!

anyways, tomorrow will be warmed with laughter and friendship and crab dip and spiced nuts and baked cheese.  my home still feels like a dream - i still find the feeling of my carpet between my toes exquisite, and i'm getting comfortable bustling around my kitchen, closing cupboards with my feet while spinning to grab something from the other side of the room.  i love it. 

next week is February break, which is kicked off by the provincial holiday "family day".  why is there no family day in BC?  i'm looking forward to lazy mornings, free from bustling my daughter off to school, and to enjoying time with my kids.  i'm also a little terrified at the thought of keeping them occupied, but i'm stuffing it. 

before the party tomorrow scott is blessing me with a few hours to paint.  i'm working on a giant dogwood (did i tell you?) and loving every brushstroke.  creativity is such a gift - to enter into the work of a creating God.  sometimes i wonder why He bothered creating humanity, but maybe it was for the sheer joy of the creative process.  to step back and marvel and think "how did i create something so beautiful?". 

could God feel that way about me?  stumbling around my words tonight, exposing my inadequacies and failures and desires and triumphs to a group of women who were awkwardly silent and painfully still?  did i reach the beautiful mark?  honestly, i think i did.  i think God looked at my life and felt the same way i did "wow, look what God has done". 

"what a long time it can take to become the person one has always been!"
Parker J Palmer

all praise to you Father.

fragile

i'm sorry that it's been so long....i have descended into boxes and curtains and re-stocking my pantry and have surfaced happy and tired and settled.  my mother came to visit for the last 10 days, and as i was hugging her hello at the airport my father walked around the corner to surprise me!  so, they've both been helping me nest and have played copious games, read stories, washed dishes...what a treat. 
and i've painted in my new studio (did you notice?).  just writing that makes me take a deep breath and smile.  for the first time in my life i have a room all to myself.  half of it is my painting gear and easel, and the other is my desk and sewing machine and knitting supplies.  glorious!  it's a room off of the family room and it has sliding glass doors (that lock!!) and a nice window and lots of lights.  it's also beside the guest bathroom that houses a sinker tub that has armrests built in....can you tell i'm in love with my home?  truthfully, i'm not sure i'm going to get through this post without taking a dip.
okay, so you're wondering why i've named this post "fragile".  it's not because i'm particularly feeling that way, at least not this minute.  it's because of something my sunday school teacher was talking about today. 
yes, i now go to sunday school.
and it's awesome.
we currently have a guest teacher from a nearby Bible college, and his name is Jeromey Martini.  i told him i loved his name, which made him smile, and then i said "pomtinis!", which made him confused (or at least look that way).  whoops!
anyways,  he's been doing a series called "dirty christian", based on the scripture passage 2 Corinthians 4:7-12: holding the treasures of God in jars of clay.  the first couple classes he asked us to turn to the person next to us and say "you're a dirty christian".  why did i like that so much?  we've been exploring the incredible reality of God choosing such a vulnerable creation to enter into, such fallable disciples to entrust with the gospel, such a precarious process of forming the written word.  but He uses all this dirt and dust, this fragile flesh and blood, and imbues it with His reality, His love, His very image.  unbelievable, and, yet, i believe true. 
today we looked at a dirty Jesus.  exhale.  that feels naughty to write, and not in a good way.  but yes, Christ chose to put on this humanity, but he perfected it. oh, He was still a "jar of clay" as it were, he was vulnerable and fragile, but he did not break. 
someone in the class had trouble with this (picturing Jesus as dirty) and she said "but, Jesus never sinned" and Martini answered "no, he didn't.  being vulnerable and fragile is not a sin."

inhale.

being fragile is not a sin.  being broken and bruised and tender and a little afraid, hungry and confused and frustrated, tired and embarrassed and wanting to hide.  this is the human condition.  and i think this is what we need to be sharing with each other.  this is what we need to hold out into the light so that others can see and understand and recognize their own condition within ours.  and i feel this very strongly today, because i'm striving to be a disciple of Jesus, and this is what Jesus did. 

Jesus thought it was okay to be a person.  so why do i think i need to be perfection?  why should i hide my dirty dishes and my fears and my morning failures and my timid hopes?  i shouldn't. 

i'm glorying in being fragile today.  incarnation seems to add some sparkle to everyday life, don't you think?  i hope i can inspire you to shed the masks you feel pushed to wear, and revel in vulnerable friendships, and give yourself a break for being dirty. :)

that said, i'm going for a bubble bath.