grow up

when will i grow up?
my parents were here for the Thanksgiving weekend (which i'm very thankful for) and before they came i told myself "self, you are no longer a child.  you will not revert to being a child when you're parents are under your roof".  "ok" answered my self, and i thought the pep talk had gone rather well.  then i started cleaning - floors, bathrooms, walls, cupboards, you name it i touched it with a Norwex cloth.  i told myself "it's not because i'm trying to prove something, it's just a part of hospitality".  i lied to myself. 
i bought a turkey, using my club Sobeys points, and told myself "it's more for the soup afterwards than the big show at Thanksgiving and using my points is a wise use of my resources".  liar. 
i wrapped said turkey in bacon after rubbing it down with chili powder, and i stuffed it with sage and apple and onion and i cooked it.  i then made stock from the bones and made my soup the next day and waffles for breakfast and prime rib for dinner and analyzed everything i said to my children or didn't say or did or didn't do and swept the floor constantly and pointed out my recent accomplishments.  stop it self.  seriously.  stop.
after i kissed my parents out the door this morning i thought "where did i go wrong this weekend?".  i sat down with my Bible and was offered this little nugget of truth:  i was so busy trying to earn my parents approval, i failed to see where they could have used mine.  i was serving them to serve myself, and missed the whole point. 
it would have been more honouring to my mother to ask her to teach me how she makes her turkey (which always tastes awesome) instead of striving with my own recipe in order to hear my father say "this is the best turkey i've ever had!".  which he didn't say, because he loves my mom.  and i didn't realize until today that those words would have insulted her, since he's been eating her turkey for over 40 years. 
when will i ever grow up?  when will i begin to put the needs of others before myself?  to see their needs and desires and hopes, and not just my own?  when will i be motivated by the truth of who i am in Christ - loved, accepted, with a purpose for my life and a unique personality fashioned by my Maker?   when will i care more about caring for others, then caring that they see how i'm caring for them?  i sound like a lunatic.  i acted like my five year old who will ask me for a glass of juice when i'm in the middle of simultaneously making dinner, cleaning the kitchen and counselling a friend on the phone.
get your own juice!
and self, get over your constant need of approval!!

i think pms is also in play here.  it seems that in my late thirties there are some months when i literally loose my mind for a few days.  my poor husband tiptoes around me on his toad-webbed feet, praying for the day he will return to his prince charming status.  my kids don't hide it, the look in their eyes is fear.  and they have good reason - mom is off her rocker.  i think it's pre-menopause, which means that when menopause finally hits you may just need to send me to a nice quiet place with a couple hundred books and a cupboard of tea.  as my friend Kandy would say in her perfect Alabaman accent "it's on".

when my mom hugged me she said "stay well rested" but for some reason i heard "stay big breasted".  i laughed and said "too late for that!".  she laughed and said "they'll come".

i think my mom sees my childhood state as well.