ditches

yesterday morning was difficult.

at church we listened to  a speaker from the global leadership summit - a leadership conference which occurs in the summer at a huge church in the states, and then is shipped world wide in dvd form, where it is done for the masses in the fall.  our church here in saskatoon hosts the summit each year - a time of great influence, and ridiculous amounts of administration.  anyways, as a promotion we watched one of the videos from last year.

usually the summit is geared to anyone, christian or not, but last year things got a bit churchy (a problem i've heard has since been corrected)...anyways, the gist of the talk was this: "God wants to do amazing things with your life, but in faith you need to prepare for what He will do through you".  the speaker (a man around my age in skinny slacks and a cardigan, and yet, somehow still attractive) said (and i paraphrase) "i don't want to just work, have a life, buy a boat and die.  i want to do something amazing, something that will change the world.  i want stories of great risk and God's faithfulness to tell my children and grandchildren".   he told a story from the book of kings where three kings are wanting to fight this other king and they've prepared their troops and have marched out, only to hit a drought.  so they inquire of God through a prophet, should they fight?  will they win?  and God answers "build ditches.  it's going to rain".  so they do, and it does, and they win.

point being:  we build the ditches.  God makes it rain. 

all of this i wholeheartedly agree with.

however, the talk left me feeling deflated.  because i want great stories of risk and faithfulness too, i want to do amazing things, i want to change the world.  but HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?  i sat in the pew and stared at my life of laundry and meals and kids board games and teacher meetings and cleaning the pee off the bathroom floor.
a small sound like a ppphhhhhhzzzzzzzzz was heard.

                        deflation.

the speaker kept saying "what ditches are you digging?  what ditches are you digging!?".  i don't even own a shovel, and i just put my shoulder out doing my boot camp workout, and i don't know what bloody ditches i'm digging!!!!!!!!!

i know, i know.
and i know that you know,
that the role of a mother is an extremely high calling and world-changing position.  i know that all of the love i poor into my children will be exponentially felt as they pass it along.  i know that i could have nobel prize winners sleeping under my roof. 

and i bet that the speaker knew. 
but he didn't say it.  or maybe he did and i didn't hear it.

it's one thing to know it, and a whole other thing to feel it, and feel validated in it.  is anyone else out there feeling a little overwhelmed with books and talks that make you feel that the only way to be a Christ-follower is to sell your house and live in the projects and eat beans and make every conversation count and put your kids in inner-city schools and give away your television?  i mean seriously?  after all that i have to give away my television?

i think yesterday i had just had enough. 

and, to be honest, it's quite possible that the speaker had no intention of making me feel this way, it's just something stirring in me that finally went pop!

this morning i'm looking at my life and realizing if i try to tack on a world-altering project it would be for the wrong reasons, and my children would grow up bereft of my best.  i am following Christ's leading, and so far he hasn't led me to the slums of calcutta, or to some savvy business plan to clothe the poor, and he certainly hasn't given me a mind to cure disease or invent a water purification system. 

i will feed my children healthy meals and listen intently when they explain their fears, i will pray for my neighbours and friends and invite them over for soup, i will plan birthday parties that will make my children's friends feel loved and safe and honoured, i will support my local school and be a voice for positive change to the administration, i will mentor, i will create works of art to inspire and encourage, i will clean the bathrooms for my homegroup, i will spend time in prayer with my friends, i will learn and pass on what i learn, volunteer, teach, worship, share, trust God for my daily bread and do all that i can to bring His kingdom into my everyday.

there.  forget the shovel, bring on the backhoe.