the heart

i wasn't going to type this until it was in-the-bag certain, but it's looking really positive so here we go:
we've sold our house.
we've bought another house.
well, not just another house.  let me fill you in on the journey my heart has been taking these last few months.  in all of my efforts to try and enlarge in this process, to accept hope and deny fear, to live positively and fully, my heart has been shrinking.  why?  i don't know:  i miss my husband fiercely, being a single-parent is more difficult and emptying than i anticipated (and i wasn't expecting much in the first place!), the continual waiting coupled with SO many people saying their praying for us...but many people live through so so so much worse and walk around with giant hearts, ready to accept and hope and welcome.
anyways, who knows the real deep why (crap, is that the lesson i was supposed to learn here Lord?), but i have felt cardio-restriction.  and i have been whittling away at hope, until it has become a shadow of my dreams.  Instead of hoping for the new home we've been praying for in the neighbourhood we've been praying for,  and the timing we've been praying for, my hope has shrunk to "please just let this end".  well, it has.  and at the end is the house, in the neighbourhood, and pretty great timing.
in the end is what feels to be miracle.
i'm finding it difficult to accept.  my prayers have been focussed on one thing so long that i find myself still praying them even though i no longer need to. 
here's what i want to do:  grab my husbands hand and pull him outside and run through the streets shouting "thank you thank you thank you Jesus!!"  i want to laugh and cry and scream until all of this stress that i feel grinching me is let out.  i want to praise.
Praise you Lord Jesus Christ, for your miraculous birth and for the miracles you are still performing today.  Thankyou for the themes of advent:  homecoming, restoration, and joy that my readings this week have been highlighting, themes that you are carrying me through.  thank you that you are so tender with me even when i mistrust your promise of meeting the desires of my heart.
thank you for loving me
thank you for loving me
thank you for loving me.
thank you that the blessing of life with you is life with you.

ah, cardio-growth.