Psalm 27

i've been stuck in this psalm for over a week - it's like a clean cloth for my muddied soul and eyes and heart.  here it is, paraphrased by yours truly.

Psalm 27

in this dark place, God is
                  my lightsource,
                  my rescue
            so why should i fear?
God's my security, my protection from danger,
           who should i be afraid of?

whatever evil may come against me,
it will not prevail.

even if my greatest fears surround me
            i won't be afraid.
even if they attack me
           i will remain confident.

the one thing i want most in life,
          the thing that i seek out the most:
to live knowing God's presence
      every
      moment
              of my life,
to marinade in His beauty
to have my thoughts focussed on His truth.

because then, when troubles come, i'll be

                                        [hidden]

i'll be concealed in His presence
i'll be lifted 


            
                 out of reach.

then i'll walk confidently in the surrounding pain
always praising and thanking God within me:
joyful;
                                                 worshipping.

Hear this desire God. 
be merciful and help me.
my heart hears You say
      "seek my face"
okay God, i'm seeking You.

i'm seeking You

i'm seeking You

don't reject me, despite who i am.
don't leave me.  don't abandon me.

        who do i have but You?

even if those who love me most leave me,
i know You won't.
        You will hold me close.

how do i live in the midst of this pain God?
show me how to live well,
                                       and right
for i'm continually tempted to despair.
don't let me fall into it
for this sadness accuses me of failure

it threatens to kills me.

yet...
yet.

                      i am confident

i will see Your goodness here

                 in this land i live in.

wait
and wait patiently
be brave
be courageous
yes, wait patiently for God.

patience

yesterday we had someone come to see the house, so my son and I went on a date to the Wired Monk for some hot chocolate, homemade cookies (i brought them, is that bad? :)), and browsing of the lego website on my laptop - this is my three-year-old boy's favourite thing to do.  as we were looking at the many amazing lego creations he will never own, we frequently had to wait for a video or picture to load.  he would look at me and in a very serious voice, and with a very serious face, say "patience.".
patience.
nothing's changed in my crazy life of waiting, so i won't bore you with the details.  i do find that i have some extra painting time on my hands however.  i've painted this beauty (pictured with my office cabinet to show the size - it's around 2x3feet.  it's the same as the "succulents" painting somewhere on the right) if anyone's interested, and i'm a-hankerin' for something else.  fill my palette!!

i promise that when there is some exciting news to tell, you will not be the first to hear, oh blogspot of my heart, but you will be on the list of intimates to share with.  who the heck reads this thing anyways?  i hear rumours but i'm always curious...

the land of the living

so, here's the update:
the sale of our house fell through.
the purchase of our house in saskatoon, therefore, also fell through.
scott starts work monday morning two provinces away from me.
we're back at waiting.  all the dates penciled into the calendar are erased.  just uncertainty.
poured cream into my tea this morning (yes, cream in tea is awesome) and noticed the expiry date is oct. 30th.  i'm still drinking it.

remembrance day came at the perfect time.  a formation of old war planes flew over our home yesterday just after eleven.  it was so moving and beautiful.  i have been thinking of all the wives who have, and who still, say goodbye to their husbands for indefinite amounts of time, with a great chance that it's goodbye forever. and how even if their husband returns he is often no longer the man they married, or at the very least, has experienced events she will never comprehend.  and suddenly, i've got it easy!!

God's been speaking to me through Psalm 27 this week - each day another verse hits me deeply.  yesterday it was the last two:

yet I am confident i will see the Lord's goodness

while I am here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

I almost didn't return to BC for my senior year of university.  I had this idea that i wasn't living a full life as a disciple of Christ because i was involved in the Christian "bubble" of Trinity Western University.  in my discernment process that summer God gave me this phrase "the land of the living" and really impressed on me that this land, in my case, was BC.  i came back here, started dating scott in my last week of school, and have never left.  actually, since we began dating we haven't been separated for over 10 days.  and BC has definitely been the land of new life for me, my promised land of fullness and beauty and growth.   so, this verse yesterday shot to a deep place: i will see the Lord's goodness while i am here...
be brave Janet
be courageous.
wait patiently.

i'm waiting God.  i'm waiting.  i'm waiting.

today i will watch for God's goodness and will not be disappointed.  in fact, i've already seen it in the health of my children and their joy - waking up to hugs and smiles and excitement for a day off from school.  french toast.  sunlight.

but not this tea.  God's blessing is not in the old cream.

failing

i think that everyone of us, EVERY one, has this underlying fear that someday someone is going to figure out we don't know what we're doing.

if God were testing me, today i would not only have had red x's and circles and question marks written all around me and on me, but surely, surely i would have had some previous gold stars removed.

it began in the middle of the night with scott coughing until he puked.  my response?  compassion? care? love? are you kidding? i thought "of course you're sick.  of course.  because i'm sick, i've been nauseous all day and now you've upped me by puking and now i'm going to have to take care of you and YOU ALWAYS GET SICKER THAN ME!!!"

which, of course, entered the day with me and hovered over me until scott and i had it out around 10am, ending in this confession "i'm a not so nice wife" and the response "hmmmm".

i feel overwhelmed by the move, by the fact that the conditions on the sale of our home have had to be extended, jeopardizing the purchase of our new home.   today i have welcomed old thought patterns and actions that i fully intended to crucify the last time i dealt with them.  i have snapped at my children ("wipe your own bum and get out of the bathroom!!").  i've sulked and pouted and grumped.  for the last few hours i've had this phrase running through my head "i do what i do not want to do.  who can save me from this body of death?"

thanks be to God.  Thank you God that you don't keep score, that you do not own a red pen, that you smile at me and cry for me and dust me off and encourage me forward.  that you are fully aware i really don't know what i'm doing, and don't expect me to.  thank you.

i packed up my studio today, sealing the boxes that hold my creativity and expression and moments of grand escape.  but they're carefully labelled!  just in case.  we are scheduled to move into our new home in Saskatoon on November 24th, exactly three weeks from today.

three weeks of boxes and tape and where are the scissors? and deep breathing and goodbye and crying and food from friends and falling into bed and goodbye again and cleaning and forgetting and remembering and i don't want to say goodbye.

will there be enough time to say goodbye to this home of joy and laughter and miscarriage and depression and healing and prayer and birth and life?

will there be time to hold each of you and somehow express how i love you?


i do not want to fail at this.