haiku

I'm currently sitting in the Calgary airport by a window overlooking the tarmac, sunshine streaming upon me.  We are on our way to Saskatoon, the funnel of the whirlwind which is my life is drawing closer by the second.  can i give you a quick re-cap of the last 24hours?
proofed the feature sheet for our home, returned from a parent-teacher interview to find the "for sale" sign up on the front lawn.  cleaned all the bathrooms, finished laundry, kitchen floor, etc..  at 2:30 i was looking ahead of schedule.
Olivia passes me an envelope in the car.
she has lice.
panic attack.
strip the beds, grab toys, towels, coats and shove them in the washer/dryer.  get lice shampoo.  ditch the tastey dinner i was going to make and opt for sliders/steak (but homemade fries!).  i figure the baby carrots consumed as afternoon snack will count as the dinner vegetable.
spray, bath, shampoo and comb the hell out of my kids hair.  (if "hell' is a bit strong, insert "lice larvae").
talk to my mother-in-law who is about to care for my children for the next 6 days with fear and trepidation, only to be received with laughter and compassion.  praise the Lord for Beverly Anderson!!!
remake the beds, let go of spot-checking the carpets and walls.
pack.
fall into bed (after finishing "pretty in pink") at 11:20. not too shabby.  up at 6:15 and out the door by 7:35. my house is immaculate.  my children are (please God!) lice-free.  my marriage is intact.  the whirlwind has not beaten me yet!

i read a very short Psalm yesterday that said "i will quiet my soul", which is an interesting thought - that i could actually have control over quieting that part of me which seems assaulted by emotions and motivations and fears that feel out of my control.  So, yesterday after the "envelope" (which, incidentally Olivia passed to me like it was a precious gift, "I'm the ONLY one that got one mom!") i walked around my home commanding my soul to settle down.  and it worked!  I mean, true, my husband looked at my face and said "let's go to the library kids!" and so thoughtfully disappeared for a few hours (don't sit on the couches at the Cloverdale library for a few days).  but, this focus on the state of my soul, and this mental work of quieting down, of trusting, of leaving my life in God's overly capable hands was truly a life-preserver in the tumultuous ocean.  or, to continue the metaphor, a basement in the whirlwind.

this past weekend i made a new friend.  I  was at RockRidge Canyon Resort - a Young Life camp, which is GORGEOUS with some very dear friends, and i got to meet some fantastic ladies.  I told a few that I was going off one morning to find myself and write myself down on paper in preparation for interviews this week in Saskatoon.  that evening Christy asked me if I did indeed find myself and I said, "yes, but it only took me one page to write down.  what does that mean"  she answered "it means you're a poet.  you're so in tune with yourself that you could distill yourself down to a haiku."
so i did.  here it is.

Janet.
I want to love you
and show you God's beauty, but
what's your name again?

pray for us in Saskatoon.
I was kidding about the library couches.  they sat on the floor.

random notes

i apologize to you who are my "readers", if I may use the term, for writing so little the last few weeks.  Life's been a bit chaotic.  i feel as though the cycle of change that scott and I have been in over the last months is now spinning faster and faster and we are falling into this vortex of no-turning-back.  not that i'm scared of the vortex, i'm just finding the spinning a little tiring!

Lately i've been struggling with the lack of thankfulness displayed on a minute-to-minute basis by my children (who are 6 and 3).  i've composed a proverb (yes, i write proverbs now that i'm a blogger.  this is my first).
yelling at a child to be thankful
does not a thankful child make
i feel like the sphinx from "mystery men".  yes, there has been some verbage cast across the kitchen in recent days (i learned to sing loudly from my diaphram and it comes in handy when displaying unholy fits of anger).  "Just eat it and be thankful!!"  "Do you know some children don't eat for DAYS ON END!!!".  i almost brought African starvation into it but i stopped short - who wants to be typical?
so here's my question:  how do you cultivate the spirit of thankfulness and gratitude in small children?  Not just with food, but with toys and time and sacrifice?

and then there are moments that take your breath away as a parent, and lead me into greater thankfulness and gratitude for my kids.  I went grocery shopping with Carter the other day and it was raining, no, downpouring.  I stopped in the driveway, the car filled with bags, (can i just add here that I budgeted $80 and my total was $80.06), and I looked out at the rain and a little voice, filled with conviction, came from behind me:
"we can do dis mommy". 

maybe this is where it starts, the more I show my gratitude for my children, the more that spirit of thankfulness will permeate our home and interactions. 

but maybe not. :)

we go to Saskatoon next week.  I will try and blog as soon as I am able.  thanks for your patience with me.  i have a few commissions in queue, i'll post pics as soon as they're done. 

a spoonful of sugar

i watched Mary Poppins today with my husband and kids.  we turned the t.v. room into a little theatre with a mattress and pillows and blankets and settled in.  it was the perfect rainy Sunday afternoon activity.  and that nanny is so wise!  In one of her first scenes she comes out with two zingers, first:

"a thing of beauty is a joy forever"

sadly, as she's saying this she's pulling a truly hideous plant out of her carpet bag.  but, the truth still rings out.
and then:

"enough is as good as a feast"

wow.
that hit home.  right now God is providing enough.  just enough.  and he's providing it in surprising and tender and generous ways.  it is a feast to accept your daily bread from the hands of God.  a humbling beauty.

i heard Carolyn Arends speak this morning.  that's right, Carolyn Arends of the Christian pop culture.  she was amazing!  i've heard rumors to that end, but i confess i didn't totally believe.  she spoke about the Beatitudes and explained how they're not a list to try and check off (i mourned today!), but rather they are characteristics that will begin to manifest in our lives when God's kingdom begins to break through.  "it's not about us working to get into God's kingdom, but about God's kingdom getting into us".  So, when we start to live life centered on God's will and way, we will begin to recognize our own poverty of spirit, we will begin to mourn with God for the state of our world, we will begin to carry our strength with meekness because that's how Christ carried his, etc..

lately i feel that God is teaching me about hungering and thirsting for righteousness.  He's trying to break this part of the kingdom into me:  to long to move through life right.  not "i'm right and you're wrong", but, "i handled that situation how God wanted me to".  i just want to do this well!  this waiting and transition and poverty and frustration and imbalance - i want to walk through this time having held on, with faith and trust deepened instead of broken.  i want to feast on the "enough", and not become bitter and entitled.

i confess that at times i have felt surprised at how deep my roots seem to have grown in this faith, but i also confess my fear that my breaking point is just around the corner.

God, keep me.
Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ below me, Christ above me, Christ beside me - on my left and my right, Christ within me, Christ without me.  Christ in all, holding all things together for my good.
Your kingdom come and will be done, on earth, in me, as it is in heaven
amen.

heavy

so, i've gained a few pounds in the past couple weeks because i have discovered the wonders of whipping cream.

i know, you're thinking that you discovered whipping cream much younger in life.  i actually remember going to a friend's house in grade five and eating a whole bowl of whip cream for lunch.
but no, this is a deeper discovery.  like bacon, it seems that EVERYTHING tastes better with whipping cream.  here's what i've made in the past two weeks using 33% milk fat:
soup (i can hardly think about it without groaning)
pasta sauce
cheesecake topping (come on, i had to make something for scott's birthday!)
and my current nemesis:  coffee.

i had the best cup of coffee in my life on Friday.

our current financial status inspires me to not let any food spoil, so what is to be done but finish off the litre?

i'll do penance in bootcamp.

next to godliness

 i started this day by cleaning the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of my kitchen.  did anyone else use that phrase as a child/teen, or am i shamelessly flashing around my pentecostal upbringing?  if (and that's a big if) cleanliness is next to godliness, then my kitchen venetian blinds were straight from Gehenna.

i remember when we lived in our old place (which is just across our townhouse complex) my neighbour came out of her home one day, huffing and puffing as only a middle-aged English woman can do.  "It's blind cleaning day" she said, as though that should make everything perfectly clear.  "what does that mean?" i asked (shameful!).
"that" was the day every year (sometimes twice!) where my dear neighbour and her husband would remove every venetian blind in their home, bring them one by one into their bathtub and clean them.  i must have looked at her with a mixture of shock and horror.  the most predominant thought in my new-homeowner mind being "WHAT?!  I HAVE TO DO THAT?!!!"
today, five years later, i did it.  well, one blind.  and i huffed and puffed, as only a mid-thirties canadian woman can do.

we are currently getting our house ready to put it on 'the market'.  my beautiful little home, sold to the highest bidder.  will the new owners care about the custom made (by me) paint colours in the kitchen?  notice the baseboards are clean?  celebrate the tree outside our front window?  love our neighbours?  contribute to our neighbourhood?  i wish we could interview potential buyers.

so, i started the day scrubbing and ended it painting the back deck.  and in between, i kissed my daughter good-bye on her first day of grade one, i made a train with my son and started knitting him some fingerless gloves (their bootiful mommy!), i sat in the sun and watched him play and ride his bike.  i read Hannah's prayer in 1 Samuel 2, and echoed the praise of Psalm 113 "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children".

truly He has done great things for me.  and i have done great things for my kitchen.

expansion

things are moving and growing and the future in my mind is widening and looking quite beautiful.  a scripture that scott and i have been holding onto in these past months is Psalm 18:19
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because He delighted in me.
it is a wild thing to grow in your delight of God, and find that His delight is in you.  i think i've had tastes of this in the past months of journey - on the beaches of California, at my easel in the basement, in my parents backyard, at the stream in Langley.  why would God give such beauty and creativity and restoration unless He truly does love me and enjoy my joy?

saskatoon has been on our minds and hearts for a few months now, as we've been in a hiring process with Ebenezer church.  it seems (although i've never been there) like a land filled with spacious places.  a place for our family to breathe deeply, for my husband to lay back into his calling and grow, for my gifts to take flight.
we had an interview on Friday.  we got a call tuesday night.  scott and i will fly off to saskatoon at the end of this month, where we'll have a whirlwind preaching tour, and hopefully be affirmed in the position "pastor of spiritual formation" (with a key role in preaching).
YIPPEE!
thanks for your prayers, keep them coming!  i'm not sure how long it will take us to sell our home and buy another, but it's looking to me like we'll be moving to the prairies in winter.  i started knitting gloves for olivia two days ago.  who am i kidding, they're fingerless.  we're going to have to buy some serious sheepskin gortex spandex somethings for our whole bodies.  long johns.  snow pants.  balaclavas.

he's bringing me out into spacious freezing cold minus sixty places, because He delights in me.

retraction

i wrote a post yesterday about how i have this personality flaw? issue? oddity? of sometimes saying highly personal things in the wrong situations.  after the post was up for an hour, i realized that the example i gave was actually too personal for the cyber world.
ironic.
so now i've spent a night feeling embarrassed and concerned that someone read it and was offended or put off by my candor.  i admit that when i write these posts i'm picturing my dear friends faces, and not the wide variety of people in faraway places who i have invited into this little space of mine.  lesson learned.  please accept my sincere apology.