this dark day

i have always appreciated this day - this space between crucifixion friday and resurrection sunday.
for years i've called it "dark saturday" - which i know is not its liturgical name, but who's to stop me? i appreciate it because i empathize with it.  i can not fathom what it would be like to step out of a rocking boat and feel the water solid beneath my feet.  my imagination does not stretch far enough to deeply experience the fear and wonder of demons being thrown into pigs, or a man dead for days walking out of a tomb.  but this day i get.  i can easily place myself into the skin of peter.
shock.
guilt.
bewilderment.
despair.
anger.

an entire day of hiding and feeling and pain.

i am wondering this morning why Jesus waited a day.  why didn't he rise on saturday?  on the sabbath?  it would have thematically matched his many teachings about the sabbath being for man and not the other way around.  it would have saved the disciples this darkness and agony.

i am coming to believe that so much of the life of Christ is a consistent echo of these words "i understand your pain".

illegitimate birth.  refugee status.  menial labour.  sleepless nights.  burdening responsibility. discomfort, homelessness, betrayal.  he was seduced, blamed, accused, misunderstood.  he endured physical pain,  emotional torture,  spiritual abandonment.

a man of sorrows, intimate with pain.

and so much of the disciples' lives - the humanity he entrusted with his teachings and secrets and friendship - provide snapshots of my experience.  my passionate following, my gross denial, my thwarted intelligence, moments of deep faith and open betrayal.

enter into all this empathy the gaping hole of saturday.  this darkest of days.  no comfort, no safe harbour, no words or actions to diminish the helplessness and hopelessness.  and it makes me feel strangely embraced.  i am not alone in the darknesses of my life.  others have stood here with me - others with much more reason for encouragement - men and women who literally walked with Jesus, touched him, were healed and educated and fed by the man himself.  they were even warned, multiple times, in no uncertain words that this would happen, and that it would not be the end.  and yet, here they are, like i sometimes am - sitting for an entire day in the dark.

i wonder if there were any of them who tried to remind the rest. "hey, guys, remember when he told us he would die and then would come back to life?"

did it come off as an empty platitude?  a "God is good all the time and all the time God is good!" or "all things work for good for those who love him!" or "the sun is still shining behind the storm!"(notice there always seems to be an exclamation mark after these sentences)...... words that in and of themselves are perfectly true but make me want to slap the person who says them to me.

i bet they did.  i wonder if he/she was slapped.

however.

if the disciples had listened.  if they had remembered.  if they could truly treasure in their hearts the gift that sunday would be - the beyond-explanation-miraculous-global-gift that would forever change history and life and eternity - would saturday have been so dark?

and can i, in my darkest of days, somehow cling to the truth that God truly, TRULY, is good all of the time?  that he himself will make all things well?  that his faithfulness is as sure as the sun which remains steady at the center of our universe?

i appreciate this day because it gives a certain credibility to the fact that in this life of discipleship there will be days that feel a lot closer to hell than heaven.  that finding myself in a bereft state does not necessarily mean i have flung widely off course.

i also appreciate that it is a limited time.  and that brings me hope.

but what i appreciate the most is when i use my imagination and see myself visiting one disciple - let's say mary magdalene.  i hold her cold hands and look into her empty eyes and whisper to her - 'everything changes tomorrow'.

may we find the strength in our darkest of days to cling tightly to the truths that we know in our heads, though we do not feel them or see them in our experience.  may we take moments to visit ourselves, to look in our own eyes, and compassionately say "i am sorry this is a dark saturday. sunday is coming".

risky truths

i am going to tell you, whoever you are, a risky truth about myself.  here is it.

i'm just going to say it.

here goes.

maybe before I tell you this truth I should preface it with a little backstory because I'm stalling.  this is something I have felt for many years, and have told others, and am usually rewarded with an awkward smile - a smile that says "really" (awkward pause) "ha ha.....really?".  i have tried to overcome it, with success in various life stages, but it never lasts for very long and i've decided in my forties that i just need to embrace it.

i do not like exercise.
there, i've said it, and i'm not taking it back.  and i see you staring at your screen with that smile thinking "really?".   this is no lie.  and although i know that admitting this is akin to blasphemy in this day and age, especially here on the west coast, i know i'm not alone.  there are others out there like me, others who buy workout clothing to clean the house in, others who would much rather read a novel than go for a run, others who think that cardio is slow torture.

our family went on holidays with another family this spring break - a family of exercise junkies. these friends wake up before the sun, eager to strap on the lycra and get out in the rainstorm.  they had run a few K, made breakfast and had family game time before i even opened my eyes in the morning.
and that's awesome.  that is truly amazing.  but i don't want to.

my idea of exercise is a brisk walk with a friend - a walk that is more about the friend than the heart rate.  i will never own a fit bit.  i do not care how fit my bits are.  ok, that's not true - i do care, just not enough to get on a spin bike (aka hell torture).   i also enjoy yoga - slow stretching that ends with me flat on my back breathing deeply for 3 minutes to realign my spine.  yes - that is the exercise that calls to me.  and i still have to drag my butt onto the mat.

one of my best friends feels closest to God, closest to experiencing his love and beauty when she "has sweat dripping off her wrists" (that is a direct quotation).  if i ever see sweat dripping off any part of my body i can assure you heavenly glory is the furthest thing from my mind.

i don't want to go for early morning runs.  or late morning.  or anytime after noon.  i don't want to go for a hike (unless it's sunny but still cool and my friends are going and there will be snacks at the end and maybe during).  i don't want to bike up hills.  i don't want to skip rope.

there are reasons - first, i don't like the feeling that my heart is going to explode from my chest when my heart rate climbs - i truly feel as though i'm going to die - not so much "i am experiencing Jesus", more like "i'm about to see Jesus".   second, i have no gross motor skills, so sports are out.  OUT.  and i'm not being humble, i am being realistic.  i have lots of fine motor skills and you can't have everything in life. third, i am watching many friends and family members dealing with crappy knees/hips/backs due to sports and i would rather continue to not wake up early to feel like i'm dying so that one day i can have knee replacement surgery.

i choose sleeping in, gentle stretches, and happy knees.

i know that some of you are concerned for my health.  let me put you at ease.  i was just at the doctors and i mentioned having low blood pressure.  she said "that just happens sometimes with healthy people who eat well and exercise - you just have to be careful not to stand up too quickly".  i didn't have the heart to correct her.  sorry dr. forrester!  good thing i don't lift weights or my blood pressure would be like a deflated balloon.

while i'm at it i might as well also confess that i like to keep my house clean, wear dresses and cook (sometimes all at once!).  YIKES.  that was a lot.  if you're feeling a little frustrated with me at the moment might i suggest a quick run?  i hear they're perfect for blowing off steam.