a number of ramblings

no, honestly.  is there anything better than spring?  pardon?  i thought of that, and i disagree.
summer?  summer has mosquito's and too much heat - and it's far too removed from winter.  i start forgetting the mittens and boots, the layers of clothing, hunching into myself as i battle the elements with my shopping cart, carving a path through the snow...but here, now, i remember.  even as i feel the heat on my arms, as my sunglasses slide down my nose, i remember.  which makes the experience infinitely better than summer.
i am currently sitting at my patio table, looking out over my back lawn that seems to turn a shade greener from dead brown to luscious olive - and maybe even phthalo? - each day.  i would post pictures of the budding surprises from my flower bed, but i'm afraid you on the west coast would laugh at it's small beginnings - and i don't think my garden's fragile feelings could handle it.  but i will say, i see a yellow pansy, some new red leaves, and something pink about to poke through.  my kids are always asking me to choose a favourite colour, and i cannot.  but, perhaps today, it is green.

i've been meditating on a verse this past week.  scott handed me a lovely leather liturgy* (alliteration always amplifies!) that, along with daily readings and the usual prayers, encourages lectio divina and has me focus on one verse throughout the week.  so, last week it was from John 11:25-26:

"I am the resurrection and the life.  anyone who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.  do you believe this?"

i know, i've heard it before as well.  but this is what struck me recently - the word "by".  "whoever lives by believing in me will never die."  it made me think that there are two faiths.  one that believes in Jesus as God, a belief that leads to eternal life.  and one that takes that belief and sinks it down deep, as the center of decisions and motivations and desires, as the reason for life.  if all i do in this world is an outpouring of my belief in Christ, then death is just an extension of that life - it's just the next day, the next step, the final release of control and fear. 

so, my next question is, do i live this way?  what would it look like if i did? 
i'll let you in on the answer: i don't think i do.   and my reason for this is that death still scares me.  sometimes i feel like i'm just waiting for the diagnosis.  biding time.  my back's been killing me these past few days, and it hasn't felt like i've just thrown my back out.  it's felt deeper, and i've been thinking about kidney infection or cancer.  i know, it's a bit of a jump.  but with cancer so rampant, some days it seems inevitable, and the question isn't "if" but "when".    i really enjoy getting x-rays or ultrasounds because the vast unknown of the inner workings of my body seriously scares me.  every time i get a peak inside it's a sigh of relief.  does anyone else feel like this?  am i completely paranoid?  don't tell me if i am, it will freak me out.

so, no, i don't feel like i am living "by believing" because i think that if i did i would let go of fear completely, and trust wholistically, and care about others much more because i'm not wasting so much time caring about myself.  but, it's a good life direction and end goal, don't you think?

this entry is getting long, but i would be amiss if i did not include some pics from my sons lego party we had on the weekend.  why would i be amiss?  because i want your praise.  there, that's the truth of the matter.

sometimes i feel like i go way overboard with my kids parties, and then i look at some other blogs and realize my $50 budget and personal time spent is actually quite tame!  isn't the internet great for revealing how crazy other people are compared to you?  so, here's my lego head marshmellow pops, and my robot magnet craft and my cupcakes. 

*Reinders, Philip F.  Seeking God's Face:  Praying with the Bible through the Year.  Michigan:  Baker Books, 2005.

on princesses and springtime

Spring has sprung!!!
i have green sprouts of something flowery in  my garden bed (latin name:  greenish flowerish).  my barbecue has been put to good use.  the table cloth is on my patio table, the hammock is swinging in the breeze.  scott and i have been stealing kisses whenever the kids are looking the other way (these are not the type of kisses we want them watching...).  the bikes have been ridden, the water gun filled, and the car vacuumed. 
i feel like my body, at the molecular level, is breathing a sigh of relief and contentment. 
is there anything more beautiful than springtime?

i think my trees are budding by the sheer force of my will.  i keep going out to check them, and i pet them a little and say encouraging things.  yesterday i was gardening in a maxi dress - that's one of those long sundresses that you see hanging on the racks in Winners and you think "are those for all the nine foot tall women i've seen wandering around these parts?".  Lord only knows why they've been given the title "maxi" - i suppose it's the opposite of a mini, but still...too many negative connotations for me.  anyways, i found one in california for a solid 5-foot-four-er like me.  i do feel like a bit of a princess when i wear it - without shoes it trails on the ground a little.
i believe i've told you before that i've always dreamed of having the classic disney princess experience where animals and birds would sense my purity of heart (and depth of royal character) and come to me.  deer eating apples from my hand.  birds landing on my shoulders.  well, i'm in this dress on my back deck and i decided to try my luck.  i sang the ariel tune - you know the "ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah" ditty from the little mermaid.  i sang it quietly, kind of nonchalant - animals don't like eagerness.  i waited, but no squirrels scampered close, and no birdies alighted on my fingertips.  i blame it on the fact that i was knitting at the time, and to an animal those needles could very well look like weapons. or maybe it was the four year old boy of mine stomping around the backyard - he wasn't exactly an invitation to royal tranquility.
i'll try again sans knitting and small child.

today is my thirteenth anniversary.  someone said to me "lucky thirteen!".  what?!  lucky for them i didn't see who it was - they would have received the stink eye for sure.  i know that's not very pure of heart, but still.  i hadn't even entertained the thought of this being a bad-luck year until that little cryptic comment.  women at church socials can be so snarky.

anyways, i feel extremely blessed that i spent the weekend making out with my husband of thirteen years, loving every second of it.  he continues to be God's daily "i love you" in my life.  today my son asked me "do adults ever get frustrated with other adults?".  wow!  what a treat that was to hear on my anniversary.  i explained that yes, we do, but adults don't stomp their feet and go to their rooms and yell - we talk about it and work it out.  i'm wondering how far that little gold nugget sunk in.  probably not very deep since he spent the better part of the evening tormenting his sister.  sigh.

i hear rumours that there's some cold weather in the near future but i'm totally ignoring them.  i don't believe they exist.  i will cling to spring with all my heart and continue to practice my princess songs.  if you spot a deer walking down my street, you'll know why.

on the topic of food

i have recently realized something:  i don't have a personal philosophy of food.  or, at least i didn't until my recent realization.
it seems that others do. 
i was talking to a beautiful friend of mine the other night (yes, you!) and she was asking me how i think about the food i eat.  do i work off of a reward system:  x amount of exercise = x amount of food?  do i count calories?  do i eat breakfast always? do i only eat when i'm hungry?

i was shocked.
tongue-tied (unusual for me)

i had to very quickly try and think of something that sounded logical, but the truth is, i just eat.

i
                just
                                 eat!

i do think about food groups - especially protein and fruit/veggies.  i try not to gorge myself on anything.  i eat healthy, home-cooked meals.  but for the most part when i open the fridge all i'm thinking is "what will taste yummy?", and i go from there.

so, here is my newly minted and possibly temporary personal food philosophy:  food is for the body, as a source of energy, and for the soul, as a form of pleasure. 


oh my goodness, i just thought of something else that comes into play in my food philosophy:  dietary issues!!! how could i have forgotten?  before the "what will taste yummy" question, is the "does this recipe contain gluten/tree nuts/dairy/yeast?" and if the answer is yes, then the yummy factor comes in.  can anyone blame me for not wanting to bother with counting calories after that mental pretzel?

so, okay, my new and possibly temporary personal food philosophy is: 
food is for the body, as a source of energy, and for the soul, as a form of pleasure, and can be a dangerous poison to your family members so be careful.

happy eating!

the cross

so, i've been pondering the cross lately.
actually, i've been pondering the exodus in Jewish culture, and the cross in Christian culture. 

i'm not Jewish.  but from what i can tell, the entire identity of a Jew, the starting point and culmination of cultural and religious identity, is the exodus.  this moment in history where God showed up, saved, revealed himself to an entire race of individuals, claimed a people group, and honoured them through acts of incredible judgement and provision.  my world religions professor in university said that it was this revelation that led her to become a Christian - the only world religion where a God appears to an entire nation at one time, not an individual in seclusion. 

so, at this time of year, the Passover, every Jewish believer is remembering.  they are eating a sacred meal, saying holy words, celebrating and looking ahead in faith.  they have this claim, this flag waving in the annuls of time that says "this is where God saved us".  it is the beginning of their year.  time starts at the exodus.  on this Passover night, thousands of years ago, death ravaged every home around the people of Israel, but passed them over.  they were literally pushed out of the land of their slavery, laden down with gold and jewels by those who had enslaved them. 

what a scene plays in my mind!  screaming mothers shoving silverware in my hands, my ears filled with the countless wailings of wives and mothers and sisters and brothers who have just found a loved one dead in their home.  all of the first born of an entire country. dead.  their faces fallen in the meals they were eating.  i smell the blood that has been smeared on my doorpost, the rest of the meal on the table.  my kids are crying and my husband is packing up the cart, throwing everything we own in as fast as he can.  in the distance there is fire, fire!  a huge pilar that seems to carve the sky in two.  people around me are whispering, it's Yahweh.  our God.  and He wants us to follow Him out.  out of Egypt. 

no more bricks.  no more starving.  no more hunger in my children's eyes at night.  no more whips on my husband's back.  no more hiding and grovelling and lying in bed afraid. 

freedom. 

as a Christian i have my own exodus story.  my own moments of God showing up, revealing himself to me, and leading me out of my land of slavery.  oh, there was no pillar of fire, no plagues or parting seas.  but there was a journey.  a step by step walk, sometimes in areas that felt very much like a wilderness.  i won't say that i've arrived in the promised land, but i am definitely not in Egypt anymore.

what am i free from?  well, paralyzing fear.  destructive guilt.  frantic anxiety.  degrading sins. 
sometimes i feel free from my self, which is a deeply peaceful, full-breath-relaxed-limb trust - which can only be the creator of the universe actually showing up for me.  a miracle. 

for me, this Easter day, the cross is my exodus flag.  my marking stone.  my exclamation point.  my reminder that i was bought from slavery by a Jewish man a couple thousand years ago.  a man who was also God - who was at the first exodus, and knew the entire world needed another.  i take this moment to look back at the land of my slavery, and remember that i am no longer there.  i look around my life for the signs of God's leading.  i turn my face toward His will. 

i take another step.

For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kindgom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.  Colossians 1:13-14.

life as we know it

so, i'm going to be honest with you.
i'm always honest with you.
but even more so, right now.  this is where i'm at.

i've been sick for 5 of the past 6 weeks.  scott and i have not been healthy at the same time since january. 

on friday i spent the entire day in bed with body aches, chills, cough, snot, and anger.
yesterday i felt a bit better and was feeling hopeful that i was going to pull out of it when WHAM!  last night scott started coughing and puking and we were both up for most of the night. 

(i should insert here that i made a killer dinner, due to the fact that i had been starving myself for 2 days and was tired of left-overs.  i made a coffee-rubbed steak with a roasted garlic and orange vinaigrette.  baby potatoes and braised radishes.  it was incredible.  however, at 2am when my eyes were wide and my mind perky i was cursing myself and my culinary skills, for the fact that i ate coffee beans on my meat at dinner).

today i was not a very good mom (though my husband/editor disagrees). 

it started off poorly, with me yelling at the kids for ignoring my pleas to turn down the tv and close the door to the basement (where i was trying to sleep).  by 11 i had roused myself.  i have been reading a lot, and am in my third book of a ridiculously long fantasy series.  each of the books is at least 700 pages.  so, here's my thought process as i'm standing in the shower - you can here hints of elves/dwarves/dragons:

i will conquer this.  i am strong.  i will fight.  i will go and buy medicine.  i will make chicken soup for my family.  Lord!  give me the strength of a mother bear.  help me to fight!  i will be like a warrior and this sickness shall no longer conquer us.  i will prevail!

i brandished my wash scrubby like a sword.  no, i'm just joking about that, but those thoughts actually did go through my mind.  i should have had theme music. 

i dressed. i got the kids a snack and made sure they were in front of the tv.  i told my husband that i was going to get him medicine.  (fear not!).  i got to the pharmacy and told my plight to the pharmacist and then i thought
crap.  mother bear is wearing out.  i'm going to faint.  right here in Sobey's. 
i went to the counter and started bagging my own groceries.  much to the effrontery of the bag boy who kept apologizing for not being fast enough for me.  "it's not you.  i'm just desperate to get out of here!".  he said "i can understand that.".  hmmm...the plight of the bag boy.

i made it home.  the kids were reading together on the sofa.  sigh.  i bring the nyquil/dayquil/vaporub to scott.  i start making soup and unpacking groceries.  i'm holding on for dear life.

there are moments in life that happen in such a way that as they are occurring you stand outside of yourself, and you shake your head, and cringe with embarrassment, but for some reason, you don't stop.  prepare yourself to read such a moment.

i realized my son now had a fever.  that's three down in the sick count.  i asked my daughter to get a blanket for him.  she said she couldn't because it was under his head.  i asked her to ask him to move his head.  she did.  he didn't respond.  and then i walked into the room and she had the blanket on HERSELF. i rip it off her and put it on him.

i walk back into the kitchen.
"COME HERE"
silence
"COME HERE!"
silence
i bang the groceries down on the pantry self and yell with all my might
"COME HERE!"
as my daughter rounds the corner into the kitchen i feel this sense of hysteria rising.  i start pleading with her:
"mommy's sick.  daddy's sick.  you're brother's sick.  it was a blanket.   why can't you help me?"

i'm starting to cry as i'm pleading and my voice is raising into this hysterical tone and i'm watching my daughter's face get that panicky look, like when you have no idea how to react to a situation so you start smiling and your eyes get really big and she starts backing away from me out of the room...

"i'm just trying to care for everyone.  but i need help!  and there's no one to help me!  and how could you take the blanket for yourself?!"

she's now backed into the other room, where my son is lying dazed on the couch and he looks at me and starts laughing, and i yell
"stop laughing at me!"
and run upstairs and throw myself on the bed and cry my eyes out.  deep-gut sobbing, moaning, all of it.  a high school break-up cry fest. 

scott came and sat on the bed and i sobbed and said things like "i'm not strong!  i can't do it!" and he just listened and let me dry out.  man, it has been such a long time since i cried like that.  it was awesome!  i'm sure i released some toxins in the process.

an hour or so later my daughter and i were laughing over lunch about how hysterical i was, and how i remember my mom having a fit like that once - my brother, on a youth group outing to the Eaton's center in toronto, got a surprise hair cut complete with crosses shaved into the sides.  she stood at the kitchen sink crying and murmuring things like "where did i go wrong?". 

my daughter said "at least yours was reasonable".  healing words.

so, there it is.  what a wreck i am!  feel free to laugh at me, and then pray for me.
pray for us all.