i wish you the merriest

i am currently watching the sound of music.  and singing along.  (of course!).
i'm filled with ham.  but just about to eat some more.  i'm fighting drowsiness, due to the aforementioned stuffage, and the hour-and-a-half nap i had this afternoon (merry Christmas to me!).  my kids have toys strewn all over the house - lego pieces, craft supplies, stuffies, kinder surprise garbage....  the twinkle lights are on, the angel is smiling down on me from the creche, and a deep sense of contentment is settling in.
this has been my first christmas hosting my parents.  they have never experienced my kids christmas morning, or the glory of new pjs Christmas eve (they wore them to church - my kids that is, not my parents).  they have not seen our multiple advent traditions or the sweet look on my husbands face when he hands me my presents (did they notice?).  and I have never cooked Christmas dinner before.  thankfully, i was well prepared.  my dear friend Marsha made me a tuxedo-esque apron, for the domestic goddess that i am.

here i am, making chocolate mousse.  i was going to make kraft dinner but the apron called for something a little more...

today i feel aware of our excesses:  in love, in liberty, in possessions, in privilege.  at times i don't know what to do with that, caught in limbo between thankfulness and guilt.  for tonight, however, i will sing of my heart being blessed with the sound of music, nestle into the thankfulness, and accept the contentment.

i wish you an evening of comfort and joy, and a deep acceptance of the gift of the Christ child given for you.

perfection

i've always thought Mary had it made raising a perfect child. 
no temper tantrums, rebellion, lying, selfishness, greed....
always thankful and helpful and understanding.

then this morning my 7 year old daughter woke up grumpy.  i mean, she resembled one of the seven dwarfs.  she was yelling before her feet hit the floor. 
as was i.
and later, while pondering motherhood in the shower, i had the thought -
                         it would suck to raise a perfect person.
motherhood is such a highlighter of imperfections. like a searchlight has been turned on all my ugliness. i had thought that marriage revealed my selfishness, and then i had a baby!  but i can't imagine dealing with the constant revelation knowing that the child holding the light had no imperfections at all. 

my husband has great anger management.  i'll be spouting off about someone who did such and such a thing and he'll come back with "maybe they were having a really bad day...." or "well, maybe from their viewpoint....".  it's infuriating!!!  i want him to grumble and sneer with me, but no, he takes the high road and then i realize, you guessed it, i'm on the low road.

poor mary

i was thinking in the shower "she [my daughter] just needs to experience a morning in someone else's house to see how good she has it!" (of course, i wasn't thinking about your house).  and then God whispered, "maybe you need to experience someone else's child at 8am to see how good you have it."

good one God.

at a women's brunch on tuesday (i made that hashbrown dish i talked about last week...yum!) someone read a letter, from a mother to her child, that included some lines like this:
i can teach you the rules, but i can't make you obey them
i can reveal to you my faith, but i can't make you believe
i can teach you to say thankyou, but i can't make you thankful

it's hard to let go of those end goals.  and feel helpless to accomplish them.  like i'm sitting on the sidelines, waiting for something to finally sink in.  for words like "thanks for doing all the laundry for me mom!" or "what a delicious meal you've made for me, again!" to just flow from the mouths of my babes.  and i realized this morning that i have been trying to make it happen, to discipline my children into thankfulness.  a battle i will never win.  they may appear thankful, but only the Holy Spirit can change their hearts.

so, i honestly don't know where that leaves me, beyond pondering.  i know that it's still going to hurt when my children throw my service back at me, like my sacrifice is a weapon in their hands.  i also know that this in unintentional on their part.  maybe i can be a little easier on them, and a little easier on myself, if i stop trying to make them into something i have no skills or power to accomplish.

maybe i should start being more thankful that they aren't perfect.

Shabbat!

i've decided to take sabbath more seriously.

every monday scott has the day off and we call it "sabbath", but to be honest, lately i've been making stupid choices:  like shopping (there's nothing restoring about the mall), or vacuuming, or having a "to-do" list.  the point of Sabbath is to cease, to rest, to play, to pray, to have a day void of "should" and filled with "want". 
this, conversely, requires work.
it requires planning and diligence and protection.
so, for the last few weeks i've gone grocery shopping on Sunday, so that the house is filled with yummy food.  today, for my sabbath lunch, i had a baked hash brown skillet with Camembert, white wine, bacon and maple syrup.  shabbat!!
i've tried to get the house cleaned on Sunday night, so that i don't feel the need to pick up or do dishes before resting the following morning.
i've said no.
and now, in this season of craziness, there is a peaceful hush descending on my home.  an oasis. 
today i napped, i read, i watched a tv show in the afternoon (not my usual!), i crafted, i painted, i prayed and looked over this last week with God.  i feel restored.  and ready.

i love advent.  i have multiple adventium traditions for our children - 25 ornaments to put on a tree, 12 boxes to open with little presents and puzzle pieces that eventually form the nativity, 6 presents to open explaining the gifts of Christmas...it's a little over the top.  but it helps me stop each day, even for a minute, and remember the reason, the truth, the light of this season. 
tomorrow we celebrate St. Nicholas day.  my kids shoes are out in the cold already, waiting for chocolate coins and little treats.  we've talked about Saint Nicholas the man: rich, and so devoted to Christ that he gave all his money away, throwing it through the windows of poor homes (or maybe even down chimneys to land in stockings drying by the fire...).  we talk about Santa Claus - how a man could be so good, so influential, that stories and tales are woven, and a magical character created. 
and we talk about how we are NEVER to tell our friends at school what we have just learned :)

it feels magical.  it is magical.  it's a time of year for awe and surprise and wonder.  how did God choose poverty? helplessness? obscurity? 
and how does He choose me?

i was brought to tears last night, watching my daughter sitting in her row, waiting for her turn to say her line in the Christmas pageant.  and oh, did she say it with gusto!  someone later remarked on her dramatic flair and i of course feigned innocence.  my son was also up on stage, ringing some bells and singing a song i remember singing at his age.  he actually fell face first off the stage, but don't worry - i didn't even notice!  he came back to where i was sitting and i said "did you like that buddy?" and he said "yeah.  except for the big fall."
oopsie.

well, i'm off to continue shabbating with some popcorn and my hubby.
Shalom to you all.