i've been feeling detached.
travelling to BC, travelling back home, three bouts of strepp, three rounds of antibiotics. i'm stretched and a little less than i want to be. i'm asking God what He wants of me in this day, with the express hope that His desires for me are: bed, a novel, some chocolate....and, a lenten confession: tv.
it's been hard to dive into lent when i've been diving into my pillow, but i have been really enjoying spacious and quiet evenings, increased listening and reflection. and monday i embraced sabbath more intentionally - dirty dishes piled up, unmade beds scoffed (i ignored), and a little more space was collected. tuesday morning's kitchen reminded me sabbath rest does not come without cost. hence, six days of work are also part of the commandment.
anyways, despite the travel and the sickness, God has been speaking and teaching me, specifically through the tuesday morning women's bible study i've been attending. it's called "aiming for excellence" and although some mornings i'd settle for mediocrity, it has been a gift to gather with some friends and some near-strangers and dig into God's truth. we've been working our way through Francis Chan's book "forgotten God", about the Holy Spirit. this week we looked at Galatians 4:1-7, and verse 6 reads:
and because you are sons,God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!"
I've read this verse many times, probably heard a number of sermons about it, but this week it clicked.
i've been adopted.
and now the spirit of my Father lives in me, making me legitimate, to make me feel like a child of God.
i began thinking about the process of adoption, and the necessity of attachment. i watched a dear friend walk through the adoption process, and saw this attachment issue up close. adoptive parents are coached on the neccessity of "attachment", are encouraged to take time off work and spend as much time as possible with the new member of the family, to have lots of skin-on-skin contact, to try and make the connection that a parent would naturally make with their baby. sometimes it doesn't work however, and, as in the case of my friend, the family had to move on without that attachment - and therefore a child in the family who feels they don't really fit, and a parent in the family who feels like a failure. hard. desperate.
then, months later, during the summer something just clicked, and parent and child attached and became mother and son. it was beautiful to see.
this "attachment" can't be forced, coerced or manipulated. it is not rationally won. it is intangible and vital.
i have been adopted into the family of God. and the Holy Spirit has been placed in me to attach me to my Father. He is there so that i can relax in trust, so that i can walk in confidence that I am loved and cared for and wanted. isn't that beautiful?
so i'm trying to nestle into that attachment, with the desire to completely stop living as a slave in my Father's house - worried about messing up, grovelling to please, waiting for punishment, feeling powerless and fearful.
it's time to be a daughter.
and what does this mean in the dishes and sickness and toilet training of my daily life?
well, i have a hypothesis: right motivation. love vs. guilt, honour vs. duty, confidence vs. control.
May the Holy Spirit dwell in you richly, and reveal to you your status as child, and gift you with your Father's embrace.