well, it's happened. someone is buying our house. their conditions lift on November 3rd, and they are set to take possession on November 20th. meaning, if all goes well, we will be in Saskatoon in 4 weeks.
I feel tongue-tied and inadequate as a writer to explain how I feel right now. the closest I can come is this: i feel like I have a multiple personality disorder. I am elated, I'm excited, I'm planning and dreaming and happy. I am sad, I am crying, I am missing my friends and family all ready. I am wanting to hold on to my moments and make them move in slow motion so that I can be beside that friend longer, in this space longer, and comfortable for longer. and then i'm laughing. and then i'm crying again. do you get the picture?
one of the many things that the journey of the last 6 months has taught me is the importance of church. now, i know I'm losing a few of you, but hear me out. there is something authentically beautiful and deeply meaningful about worshiping God WITH friends. with people who care about your issues, who have heard about your crap (and have prayed through the crap with you), who celebrate your successes. they're truly your friends, and you stand with them before God and move in the same direction and resonate with the same Spirit and feel convicted and moved and inspired together. I left church this morning having met with three such dear and beautiful friends feeling bereft. in all honesty, feeling scared at the amount of time it could take before I am surrounded again by a community of people who know me as I am, and who walk with me before God on a weekly basis.
I miss Parkside.
however, i have already met some incredibly amazing people in Saskatoon and I have hope.
I'm thinking i'll be a two-faced maniac for halloween. no costume necessary!
On Friday Scott and I spent the afternoon on a date in Fort Langley - Wendels for coffee and bookstore wandering, window shopping, a few minutes at the river...and we were heavy with the waiting - the indefinite waiting. another week had gone by with no interest in our home. we were quiet and sighing and sad. Friday night we got the call that there was a showing for noon saturday. I woke up Saturday morning with this feeling in my chest (you know that feeling?) of hope. hope. I said to God in the shower "I feel hope and I don't want to".
I've so wanted to walk through this transition well. To be solid in faith and trust. To be optimistic and real and honorable. Saturday morning was an alarm in my head: i don't want to feel hope. I could hear Jesus in the boat with his disciples, waves and wind lashing around them, shouting to be heard
"why are you afraid?!"
I had a great explanation why i was afraid, lots of reasons, lots of evidence, lots of 'what if's'.
and now here I sit on the other side of the storm, on the other side of hundreds of storms, and i think, "why do I let myself fear?" is it self-preservation? is it my harness in this "holy wild" of life with God?
well, that's idiotic. fear does not preserve or protect.
ah, when will I ever learn?
anyways, all that to say, I feel hope tonight, at least at this minute.
for all those of you here, i will miss you deeply. deeply deeply.
for all those of you there, i'm looking forward to the friends we will become.