About Me

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I now live in Victoria, after a couple years on the North Shore of Vancouver, and a (too) brief time in the prairies. Working as an artist, mother and wife (not necessarily in that order), i am striving to live well, to find the truth of God in all things, and to pass on this truth to others.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Multiple Personality Disorder

well, it's happened.  someone is buying our house.  their conditions lift on November 3rd, and they are set to take possession on November 20th.  meaning, if all goes well, we will be in Saskatoon in 4 weeks. 

I feel tongue-tied and inadequate as a writer to explain how I feel right now.  the closest I can come is this:  i feel like I have a multiple personality disorder.  I am elated, I'm excited, I'm planning and dreaming and happy. I am sad, I am crying, I am missing my friends and family all ready.  I am wanting to hold on to my moments and make them move in slow motion so that I can be beside that friend longer, in this space longer, and comfortable for longer.  and then i'm laughing.  and then i'm crying again.  do you get the picture? 

one of the many things that the journey of the last 6 months has taught me is the importance of church.  now, i know I'm losing a few of you, but hear me out.  there is something authentically beautiful and deeply meaningful about worshiping God WITH friends.  with people who care about your issues, who have heard about your crap (and have prayed through the crap with you), who celebrate your successes.  they're truly your friends, and you stand with them before God and move in the same direction and resonate with the same Spirit and feel convicted and moved and inspired together.  I left church this morning having met with three such dear and beautiful friends feeling bereft.  in all honesty, feeling scared at the amount of time it could take before I am surrounded again by a community of people who know me as I am, and who walk with me before God on a weekly basis. 

I miss Parkside. 

however, i have already met some incredibly amazing people in Saskatoon and I have hope. 

I'm thinking i'll be a two-faced maniac for halloween.  no costume necessary!

On Friday Scott and I spent the afternoon on a date in Fort Langley - Wendels for coffee and bookstore wandering, window shopping, a few minutes at the river...and we were heavy with the waiting - the indefinite waiting.  another week had gone by with no interest in our home.  we were quiet and sighing and sad.  Friday night we got the call that there was a showing for noon saturday.  I woke up Saturday morning with this feeling in my chest (you know that feeling?) of hope.  hope.  I said to God in the shower "I feel hope and I don't want to". 
I've so wanted to walk through this transition well.  To be solid in faith and trust.  To be optimistic and real and honorable.  Saturday morning was an alarm in my head:  i don't want to feel hope.  I could hear Jesus in the boat with his disciples, waves and wind lashing around them, shouting to be heard
"why are you afraid?!"
I had a great explanation why i was afraid, lots of reasons, lots of evidence, lots of 'what if's'. 
and now here I sit on the other side of the storm, on the other side of hundreds of storms, and i think, "why do I let myself fear?"  is it self-preservation?  is it my harness in this "holy wild" of life with God? 
well, that's idiotic.  fear does not preserve or protect. 
ah, when will I ever learn?

anyways, all that to say, I feel hope tonight, at least at this minute.
for all those of you here, i will miss you deeply.   deeply deeply.
for all those of you there, i'm looking forward to the friends we will become.


  1. My friend. This is great news for your future and for the town of Saskatoon. I am thankful for the perfect timing... none of the scenarios we were wondering about necessary.
    This time is important. I am so thankful that you have had time to wrap your mind around parts of leaving. To allow us as your community to say goodbye (sometimes more than once, or twice, and three times to come?? When is the next book club?)
    It makes complete sense that you feel a bit crazy. (or perhaps crazier?? :) Soak it in. Linger with friends. Ask for help. Ponder the roots of the crazy and remember what you are anticipating and the things you will miss most.
    Your great news and Saskatoon's gain is loss for many others. I will choose to believe that at the same time as the day to day with Janet will come to a close, a new adventure of life and of faith and of friendships from a distance begins.
    My day to day will not be the same. You were God's gift to me as I moved to my "Saskatoon" after years of intense and meaningful relationships and ministry.
    I will pray for a Janet for you.

  2. PS. The pier is BEAUTIFUL! WOW!

  3. ah! so many emotions:) I hope you have the time to feel them deeply, not be afraid of them, hold them close to your soul, cry, laugh,ponder, and then step boldly - well, maybe with some timidity - into the mystery of life that the new month will bring. God bless.

    beautiful paintings!

    Laurel Smith

  4. xo,xo,xo.
    You are beautiful. I will miss you like no other.
    i'm sad, and happy too.

  5. And Janet? If for no other reason, this time has been so you could create that painting of the pier. you've leapt into a new tone of voice in that painting, which is just making me speechless with awe and joy. without all that time to *have* to paint, you wouldn't have gotten there. and the world would be worse off for never having known that painting.
    (I hope that doesn't sound weird)
    that's a little bit hyperbole, a little bit tongue in cheek, and a little bit absolute truth.

  6. Janet,
    I'm a friend of Bethany Klassen's and I live in Saskatoon. I would love to get together with you when you move out here. I moved here about 2 years ago and it was a difficult transition but I have really begun to love this city. Let me know when you arrive! (we know of a lot of great gems here....over time you will like it).

    Jessica Nelson

  7. Janet. The Pier. Exactly.

    I love you.


  8. i would like to walk on that beautiful pier right now. beautiful work, janny.
    love you tons. rox

  9. I wish it wasn't so hard. But it is, no getting around it. You are clearly loved well and I can see why. We're so excited to have you as a friend - and my heart is heavy for the friends who you're leaving behind. I feel hope for you guys, and i pray you'll continue to feel full of hope and anticipation.

    Can't wait till you're here.
    Love Lindsey