Generosity

it's been a heavy week.  heavy with friendship and conversation and laughter and tears.  heavy with self-doubt, questions and prayers.  I feel that through it all God is teaching me about generosity.


right now, in this unemployed stage of life, we are living solely in the generosity of God.  it's obvious in every aspect.  yet, in truth, we all live in this constant state of absolute dependance, every life has claim to God's generous nature. 


I have been reading "Living the Christian Year" by Bobby Gross, which walks me weekly through the liturgical calander, with Bible readings and really insightful comments/questions, and prayers.  the readings this week are on, you guessed it, generosity.  here's the opening lines Bobby writes:
God is generous.  He gives us his image in our very being. He gives us the bounty of creation to sustain our lives.  He gives us himself in the incarnation of the Word.  He gives us redemption through the sacrifice of his Son.  He gives us his very Spirit to indwell us.  He gives us the promise of resurrection and life forever in his presence.  
here's the parts that stand out to me:  God is generous in the very structure of my body/mind/spirit - because I'm fashioned after Him; he's generous in the cosmos and in history, and he is moment-by-moment generous by indwelling me.  there is a part of me that is actually God alive, that's actually not me at all, but HIM.  these are areas my mind is starting to meander through. 


I want to be generous.  I want to be a generous friend and mother and wife and neighbour.  i want to be generous in grace and acceptance and love.  But here's my quandry this week:  when is it that my generosity turns to enabling?  can I be too generous?  too accepting and giving and sacrificing?  the short answer i feel is "no".  but then there's this balancing line, this verse that is sitting on my shoulder:  "you do not belong to yourself" (1 Cor. 19). 
i do not belong to myself.  you do not belong to yourself. we do not belong to ourselves.
its a hard sentence for me in my western-2010 mindset to swallow, and maybe even harder for me to express to others. in one sense, it motivates generosity.  but in another, it encourages me to confront, to call out, to hold truth tighter than happiness and personal fulfillment.  i'm finding it a hard balance.  


but here's the personal good news I'm experiencing from this verse: if i don't belong to myself, i belong to this generous, all-loving, all-good God.  this God that is residing in and around and through me.
              i belong.
i don't have to control my justice, my image, my finances, my joy.  and lately, i've been tasting this a bit.  i've been experiencing the truth that the more i hand over, the better life works for me - not in surface-level ways, but in deep-gut peace, confidence, thankfulness ways.  is there anyone out there that resonnates with this?  i need some solidarity :).  some communion of the saints.
it's been a heavy week, and this is a heavy entry.  i will lighten up soon I promise!


as i'm writing about generosity i've been less than generous with my children, so i need to sign off.  whoopsie daisy!
i'm adding a photo of my latest painting commissioned by my friend Dawn to signify "home" - through lily of the valley (her grandmother and mother both had this beautiful flower in their gardens).  i am currently starting three paintings - another of the succulents, but this time nice and big (20x30), one of my kitchen window, and one of a little purple flower.  I'll post them as I finish them - they're all for sale, so let me know if you're interested!

beauty will save the world - Dosteovsky

I sat by a babbling stream today, watching my children trying to dam up the current.  I painted some dew-laden lily-of-the-valley.  I breathed deeply when I entered my home, savouring the colours and fresh hydrangeas.  I ate maple smoked bacon. 
It was a beautiful day.


I'm reading a book entitled "for the beauty of the church - casting a vision for the arts", edited by David Taylor.  I've only made it through the first chapter so far, but am already deeply encouraged as an artist, and as a Christ follower.  I'm not going to summarize, but I'll let you in on my favourite quote:

Our attitude toward art ultimately has a great deal to do with our attitude toward worship.  Much is at stake in whether we think that our worship is a free response to grace or an exercise in persuasion, an effort to get either God or people to do what we want them to do...There is a kind of art that is too easy, too willing to let us off the hook, too comforting and too culpably ignorant of what exactly grace costs.  At the moment, we find this most often in the bestselling art of the Christian subculture than in the secular art world...

I wanted to jump up and down when I read this.  Often I feel this pull to easy art, and easy Christianity, that looks a certain way and seems useful (the painting is useful because it has Biblical subject matter....I am a useful person because i did the laundry and played with my children).  But is that truly what defines me?  what makes me adequate -  my usefulness?  is that what defines my art?  my worship? parenting?  marriage?  Do I live my life in such a way as to appease my God, to prove that I'm of some use, or to enjoy Him and all that He has given me? 

"the chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever" (Piper)

What I'm trying to get at is that it's enough for me to live in a state of dependant thankfulness, aware of God's goodness, eager to glorify Him, and to enjoy His beauty.  I need to look less at my usefulness, and more at the inherent grace in each inhale and exhale. 

I've been questioning these flowers I've been painting, like they're not overtly glorifying God enough (which I know is ridiculous).  And the time I spend working to make my house a place of beauty and rest and respite (is this important?).  And the lengths I go to to prepare a delicious meal (hence the aforementioned pasta sauce dilemna).  And the happiness I get from a good hair day and nice fitting pants (nuff said).  And how I stare at my children intoxicated by how beautiful they are (pride pride pride).  I'm encouraged because I believe that God is telling me that He is beauty, that He sustains and perpetuates beauty, and that I can worship Him in the beauty I find (and sometimes even create) around me.   I am finding grace for myself in the moment-by-moment of God's grace to me. 

in short form:  maybe it's okay that I'm a fanatic for beauty.

I heard the "beauty will save the world" quote on CBC, where a documentary went on to introduce a number of people who's lives were sincerly changed by an experience of beauty.  And I wanted to shout (actually, I might have), GOD is beauty!  He was talking about GOD!!!  My friend Cori recently asked me to paint an image of her being embraced by God, by her "heavenly father".  She later told me that the act of creating the image I would work from for the painting was very healing and confirming for her.  Amazing.  I feel so grateful to have been a part of that process, and I hope the beauty in this painting continues to change her world for years to come. (sorry the pic is a bit tilted)

food for the journey

This is my story, told to my church our 2nd last Sunday there.  I hope it's an encouragement to you. http://parksidechurch.ca/life/?p=129

here we go

Alright, we begin.
As you may know, our lives are in a state of transition at the moment.  We are waiting to hear from a church in Saskatoon, but beyond that lead, we really have no prospects for work for Scott.  He is currently job searching for something temporary, and I'm painting as much as I can. 
It's a struggle.  How much do I really trust my God?  And what shape does that trust take - does trusting God mean I don't worry about money at all, or does it mean that I try to be as thrifty as possible and look for him to fill in the spaces?  Do I buy my favourite pasta sauce trusting that God will supply, or do I buy the cheaper variety believing that I need to do all I can to save money?
I bought the cheaper one. 
Grocery shopping was wrought with indicision and self-questioning.  It made me think of the majority of people in this world who live in the constant anxiety of feeding their families - a feeling that I haven't experienced in many years. 
Scott and I have been reminiscing with the kids about when he was a student and I was a part-time teacher, how we often saw God meet our needs in miraculous ways.  How the fact that we made it through those years without debt is truly miraculous.

Anyways, I'm starting this blog for those of you who I may (or may not!) be leaving soon.  A place of attachment and update, where I can continue to share my life with you.  I have never been a great long-distance friend, so my prayer is that this venue will help keep up connected. 
That said, I don't intend to write daily here, hopefully once a week will be manageable.