nourished

i feel well fed.
not just because i made a killer potato salad for dinner tonight - with avocado and shrimp and a lime-dijon dressing - no, i mean more than physical hunger.
we've had thunderstorms here, and monsoon rains.  lots of humidity and excitement in the air - i love the tension of a thunderstorm, the sound, the light, and the warm rains are incredible.  today however, the rains have stopped and given us the gift of blue sky, long grass, happy gardens and green.  so, i'm environmentally fed.
on saturday i went to a silent prayer retreat, hosted by the women's ministry coordinator of our church, and held at a catholic retreat center in the heart of the city of saskatoon.  it's an incredible place, lush gardens, sprawling trees, walks down to the river, statues placed in tiled alcoves, fountains and artwork and rooms with prayer benches and signs marked 'silent'.  i loved it.  surprised?  i'm sure many don't think of the word silent when they think of me, but it is a testimony to God's work in my life that the words "silent prayer retreat" didn't make me want to run for the hills screaming.  and it felt truly miraculous that i enjoyed two hours of just me and my Maker.  i used to put the timer on for 10 minutes of prayer and start looking at the clock after 4 minutes thinking "really?!".
i feel like God is bringing me to a place of trusting Him in a new way, in a way of letting my heart unfold in front of Him without too much fear of the results.  i've been asking the question "what is my deepest hearts desire?  what motivates me at my core?" (a question i was encouraged to ask in the book "sacred rhythms" by Ruth Haley-Barton).  it's an interesting question that initially made me feel nervous - what if i come to see that my deepest desires are not being met? what will that mean?  but in the asking and revealing God has shown me that he has formed that deepest deep within, for His purposes and in His likeness.  so, now to live it out!  now to shelter my desire, to protect it from my own twistings, and to use it for God's glory.
i know i'm being a bit cryptic here but i hope you're following me.  i've had some spiritual food, and feel beautifully full for the moment.

also while i was on the retreat i went for a walk out in the misty rain and was breathing deeply and marveling at creation (and the catholic church!  where are Protestant retreat centers with this much attention to the arts and beauty?).  i stepped in a mud puddle and fell on my butt.  it was actually one of the more graceful falls of my life, one foot up in the air, and straight down - it had the sensation of slow motion.  i sat on the ground laughing at the thought of how many silent witnesses there might be.  people on their own prayer retreats, looking out their windows, deep in contemplation, seeing a young woman out for a stroll...wait a minute...she's down!  did anyone else see that?!!! she looked like a graceful rock.  how old is she?  maybe she's not so young....
i had to ice my hip and take pain killers to get to sleep that night.  how old am i?! 

i bought a bright pink bike yesterday at walmart.  i know, i know.  but i'm not the best bicyclist so why spend the money?  this bike seems to be calling to me from the garage. i can't wait to take it out and feel the wind in my hair and sit up straight with my head back, laughing.  i'll be flavia de luce!  i'll travel my children all over this fair city like the von trapps in curtains.  i need to give my bike a name.  maybe flavia will do.

it is past my bedtime but i would like to leave you with a prayer.  this was read to begin the prayer retreat and as soon as i heard it i wanted to give it to as many people as possible.  so, a gift.  for you.

a morning offering

i bless the night that nourished my heart
to set the ghosts of longing free
into the flow and figure of dream
that went to harvest from the dark
bread for the hunger no one sees.

all that is eternal in me
welcomes the wonder of this day,
the field of brightness it creates
offering time for each thing
to arise and illuminate.

i place on the alter of dawn:
the quiet loyalty of breath,
the tent of thought where i shelter,
waves of desire i am shore to
and all beauty drawn to the eye.

may my mind come alive today
to the invisible geography
that invites me to new frontiers,
to break the dead shell of yesterdays,
to risk being disturbed and changed.

may i have the courage today
to live the life that I would love,
to postpone my dream no longer
but do at last what i came here for
and waste my heart on fear no more.
                               john O'donohue

oh, saskatchewan

we drove to lloydminster thursday night, a small town who's claim to fame is that it is half in alberta and half in saskatchewan.  we stayed at a hotel on the alberta side - if you're anywhere near a border it seems important to cross it for some reason.  we started driving at the kids bedtime, with the utopian dream that they would sleep all the way there. silly silly parents.  do you know what two nights in a row of fighting your children to go to sleep while locked in a car with them for three hours is like?  you should try it!
but, there was redemption.....
                                            the view.
i know, many of you do not believe me.  like i used to, you think of saskatchewan as a flat field, stretching on and on forever, with a straight highway in the middle that reaches out to the point of invisibility - one of those perspective drawings you did with a ruler in grade 8.  

but picture the real saskatchewan.

there's a field, freshly tilled, with a peach fuzz covering of green - new shoots beginning to venture out.  the field is slowly rising up from the highway, and you can see the lines of the rows that move along the contours of hills and circle around groupings of trees - the word copse comes to mind.  in the middle of one copse, lets say its made of birch trees, their trunks white and gleaming, their leaves tiny and rustling, is a farmhouse.  behind this field the land rises and falls, revealing other fields and tiny beautiful forests and small lakes and silos and red barns...can you see it?  its breathtaking. 
we came to a section of land just west of the Battlefords where i could imagine i was in england.  the saskatchewan river was close to the highway at this point, and the land on its banks had these flat topped cliffs - i was thinking of the scene in pride and prejudice when kiara knightly is standing on the cliff in the lake district, her dress bilowing around her. 
a few years ago i read the no.1 ladies detective agency book series and one of my favourite parts, that in all honestly made me cry,  was when in the last paragraph she would say "oh Africa, Africa, Africa, Africa."  like she was speaking out her heart for her home, despite its trials and inadequacies.  and, not to be overly dramatic, but it happened to me!  i watched my new homeland out my van window and heard 'saskatchewan, saskatchewan, sasktachewan" like a rhythm, calling me to stillness and beauty and rest and thankfulness. 
growing up in Ontario i have an affinity for fields and lakes - i find them romantic and enticing.  as i watched this similar landscape roll by me the other night i started thinking about the last number of years.  how i would visit ontario and see such a landscape and have this great urge to run.  to get out of the car and run through the field and into the trees and escape.  not that my life was horrible, but the weight and the pressure and the seemingly unending work would rise up in me and i would want to run and run and run.
i looked out my window thursday night at the beauty around me and i realized that i don't want to run anymore.  i don't want escape.  i can let that beauty sink in and warm me up and move me on.  it was an amazing revelation.

i realize it's been a long time since my last post, and i apologize.  i'll fill you in on the highlights of the last two weeks:

• i put my upper back out somehow in the middle of the night in my sleep two mondays ago and today's been my first discomfort-free day.
• i got a traffic camera ticket for 230 dollars for running a red.  i wanted to go to court and fight it by pleading for mercy because at the time i ran it i was lost coming home from my husbands first slowpitch game that i had to leave early because my daughter peed all over her pants while attempting to pee in the bush.  scott convinced me to just pay it.
• my four-year-old graduated preschool and was a part of a graduation concert that included the song "jesus wants me for a sunbeam".
• i can now add "vbs decorator" on my resume
• the waterparks are now open all over the city, and all public parks have children's activities like games and crafts daily.  awesome!!
• i bought tickets for a concert with the children's festival, packed a picnic dinner, got the children hyped, my husband home early from work and we headed out.  we arrived at the festival grounds excited and ready and quickly realized that it closed an hour earlier.  so, my poor poor children ate their picnic surrounded by closed booths with signs like "oragami" and "lego creations" and "dinosaur dig".  heartbreak.  thankfully, the show - a black light puppet display of three eric carle stories - made up for the loss.
• i gained five pounds.
• i had an awesome time in lloydminster with kimberly bogelund and family - 6 kids and four adults at a park for 6 hours.  we fought the sun and the mosquitos and sun stroke and came out victorious!  i mean, we had burns and bites and headaches, but it was worth it.

time for bed.