temptation

i heard a great sermon yesterday about temptation.  it was one of those ones where my pen was flying across the page, taking notes and writing questions!!  with exclamation marks!!  and then next thing you know the pastor (leyton) was answering said exclaimed question, and off went my pen again. 
the gist of it was this:  God does not tempt us, but He does test us, and we need to pray (as in the Lord's prayer) that those tests do not twist into temptations. 
for example:  a god-fearing woman places her faith in God's provision for her family, and walks in trust and joy as her husband resigns from his job and they spend the next half a year looking for work.  this is quite a test.  but some days, the test is twisted.  and she starts to think they made a mistake.  she starts to doubt God's care.  she starts to doubt God.  these days are hard, hard days.  filled with anger and tears and fear.
but there are other days in this test.  other days when she is strengthened somehow to continue to trust, and she's filled with hope and thankfulness and anticipation and peace. 
and now, she (okay, it's me). now, I look back on the test of 2010 and I'm so thankful for it.  so thankful that i am in my promised land, looking back at the desert, knowing that the next time i feel the sand touching my toes i will have this experience to stand on.  this faithfulness to remember.  and all the more reason not to fear.

so, one of my questions in my sermon notes was Why does God test us?!!
i know, it's a bit of a baby question, but sometimes i just feel frustrated with the whole idea of testing.  the idea of all of life being a test makes me feel like "batten down the hatches!  there's a test on the horizon and i hope we make it through!!", or, " i guess i can't be angry about this tragedy because it's somehow a test".  i say poo poo.  POO POO!!!!.
i don't think everything is a test. 
there, i've said it.
i think there are tests, and there are trials, and there is an enemy who throws crap into our lives and rubs his hands with gleeful anticipation of our distress and distrust and downfall.  i don't think my friend was assaulted as a test.  i don't think a different friends sister died as a test.  i think that the enemy of our lives is working diligently and verociously.
maybe there are tests within the trial, but that's a different thing.
and the "why?" answer is obvious and consistent with the what i know of my God:  for my good, and His glory.  to shape me more into the image of Christ, for my continual joy and for the sake of the world. 

so, for those of you experiencing the test today, I pray for strength and endurance, for your growth and for a joyful hope.  and for those of you in trial, I pray for an awareness of Christ's compassion, the Father's love, and the Spirit's presence. amen.

twas the week before school...

i have not had much experience with kids and summer vacations since my oldest is only entering grade 2, but here's what i remember about the last week before school last summer:

panic.  where is that newsletter with the supplies list?  will these runners count as indoor shoes and do they even fit after months of flip-flops?  what will the teacher be like!  how am i going to get out the door that early five days a week!

sibling explosions.  over everything, over nothing.  too much time together.  too much time with me.  too many outings ending in tantrums.  getting time outs while in time outs. 

basically any notions of the first day of grade 1 being emotional difficult were thrown out the door and i was ready to toss my child in the teachers arms and run for the hills.

how do you homeschoolers do it?!!!!

well, let me tell you my saving grace this week.  an angel came to stay at my little home in Saskatoon.  her name is Cori and i feel like she literally picked up the chaos that could have been this week, shook it around in her hands like a snow globe, and plopped it back down filled with humour, space, care, compassion, and friendship.  what a gift!  and here we are, wednesday night, with happy children tucked in their beds, time-out spaces growing cobwebs, and the feeling that i'm actually going to be a little verklempt when school starts next week.

now, i know that many of you have a week more of vacation than i do, so here's my recommendation.  phone a friend!  forget about the housework as much as possible and get through this week still in love with your kids :).  the work will get done when the school bell rings, but the last week of summer will be lost until next year. 

that said, i'm greatly looking forward to experiencing a prairie autumn.  i hear they're beautiful, and i have recollections of october in Ontario, with crisp evenings and colours ablaze and the smell of cold around the corner.  every september i get the urge to buy myself school supplies.  anyone else?  i want to sharpen pencils and feel the excitement of that first blank binder page, waiting in anticipation, devoid of mistakes.  am i a total geek or just sweetly nostalgic?

maybe i'll invest in one cahier just for kicks.  i could use it for grocery lists!

may back to school shopping not swallow you alive, and may you enjoy at least one more perfect summer evening - roast a marshmellow for me if you're able.

Rich

I'm home from B.C. And feeling very rich indeed, for many reasons.
The first: my first weekend in bc was spent with three friends in a trailer at the base of a mountain. We laughed, we cried, (both a ridiculous amount) and we prayed. On Saturday we spent the day taking turns sharing our lives and praying for each other. By the end of the day we looked like puffy eyed raccoons, but it was so fantastic. You know that verse about how pleasing it is when brothers dwell together in unity? Well, ditto for sisters. What a gift to be surrounded by women who know my ugliness and surround me with the arms and words of Christ.

And then camp at Homewood was amazing this year. Our kids are finally at the go and wander age so camp was very relaxing and fun and adventurous. We did lose our son the first day, and I was just about to reach the point of hysteria when I walked into a room and there he was! I held myself together for along enough to get him into our room and then I cried and hugged and begged him to have mercy on my poor heart. I must have gotten through to him because yesterday we were in best buy and he looked up at me and said "mommy, I'm going to stand over there ok?". Bliss!

After camp I had some great conversations, one which took place in a hottub for over an hour, and went shopping with a dear friend who actually treated me to a new dress and sweater (unbelievable!).

Then I came home.

Last time I went to BC I came home to saskatoon and entered a funk. My first night back I went to a baby shower and came home in tears. I said to Scott "I need 10 years to catch up with these friendships. How will that ever happen?". I think up until visiting I was feeling really positive about the move to the prairies. But then I was dipped again into the ocean of my friendships in BC and began to experience my new homeland as a desert experience.
Well,
This time I came home a little concerned, a little nervous about how I would feel. I went out last night with two friends for a walk around the river and came home smiling. I'm RICH! I have friends here who love me and care for me and let me love and care for them. We laughed and cried together, and talked about ridiculously personal things. A sincerely perfect evening (vulnerability, cheese, chocolate, exercise and a movie...what more could a girl ask for?)

So, I'm committed to focussing on this excess of love, especially when finding out my kitchen subfloor has rotted, my new computer might not be all I desired (I know, cry me a river), and the savings account is empty. I'm rich in what matters, in what brings life, in what will sustain me through all these tossing storms. I sincerely hope that you are feeling the same.

happy holidays.

its always wrong to do anything you can't tell the minister's wife.  it's as good as an extra conscience to have a minister's wife for your friend. - anne shirley.

i told this quote to lindsey, a bosom buddy who's also a pastor's wife, and said something along the lines of "you might be that at first, but then you open your mouth."
good point.
i wonder if, more than an extra conscience, i'm more like a (healthy?) dose of freedom:  if janet can do it....(and she's a pastor's wife!!).  ah, dear, i do hope i influence for good.

well, we are on our first week of holiday.  we've been getting lots done around the backyard - fence painted, cherry tree planted, garden composted, etc..  i raided a friend's garden and came home with buckets full of lillies and irises and other beautiful things that i have no names for.  my flower garden is filling out, my vegetable garden is growing well (i think...i really have no clue), we have luscious green grass, a playground, and truly a background wonderland.  this home is really a beautifully wrapped present every day.

our church is working through the Lord's prayer this summer, and this morning's sermon was on "hallowed by your name".  the preacher's main point was that how we view the character of God (his name) affects our character.  for example, if we believe He is altogether trustworthy, we will live lives of faith and trust and obedience.  our characters will be marked by confidence, hope and perseverance.  but, if we believe God is not to be completely trusted, we will despair, we will be tight-fisted, cynical, conflicted, angry. 
there is a quote from someone that scott often says: "you become that which you worship".   so, my question for myself today is, who do i believe God really is? 
this filter also changes how we read scripture.  if I believe that God is holy and just i will read the journey of Isreal in the old testament differently than if I believe God is heavy-handed, cruel, or disinterested.  what characteristics of God do I bring to His story?  can we trust that He is who He says He is?

i think that we can.
(I'm also still working on it as well)

i have been aware lately of how my character is rubbing off on my children, especially my 7-year old daughter.  maybe 7-year olds are naturally in a state of developmental angst, but it seems my girl is angry.  she's angry at me, at her zipper, at her brother, at her swingset, at the sales representative at Canadian Tire (possibly ligitimate), at her bandaid and dinner.  I can't help fearing that my tendencies to grumble, my lack of patience, and my many frustrations have begun to stick to her like tar.  how do i begin the work of wiping it off?  of releasing her from her mother's weaknesses and failings?  how painful to see the ugliness of my sin reflected on my beautiful child.
so, pray for me in this.  summer vacation is like a pressure cooker for family matters isn't it? 
i hope yours are going well!

kindred spirits and buddies of bosom to you all,
janet.

bikes, moths, and my painting life.

it's been a good week. 
for those of you who have been praying about my weird illness, i have had numerous tests and exams and nothing has come up, so it seems it's just a virus.  and i've been feeling well for two days now, so hopefully it's gone! thanks so much for your concern fr me and mine.  it was a very strange and often scary experience.

let me tell you about the best part of my last week.  we went on a family bike ride to the zoo. :) 
picture me:  pink helmet (of COURSE i wear a helmet Cori, how could i ever look Vanessa in the face again if i didn't?), pink bike, big smile, wind in my hair (well, the hair that's not in the helmet), backpack on my back.  my four year old is in front of me on his running bike, legs flying, seeking out any puddles along the way.  my seven your old is on her training-wheel-free flower-dappled bike behind me, concentrating hard and calling out rules such as "okay, when mommy needs to stop she'll say "STOP" and then I'll repeat "STOP" so that daddy knows behind me that I'm stopping okay?".  then Scott, my delightful man, pulling up the rear, keeping an eye on all of us (because Lord knows, any one of us could topple). 
it takes us approximately 10 minutes to get from our front door to the entrance of the zoo. zutt alore!  and when we do arrive the zoo is closed because of a power outage.  it's open every day of the year, but we hit it the one time it's closed.  ah, well, the ride was worth it.  and we did get to go into the butterfly greenhouse for a picnic lunch.
which brings me to another great moment.  a butterfly landed on my shoulder.  i know, this is a normal occurrence in the butterfly pavilion i'm sure, but did you know that I'm afraid of moths?  yes, after all my talk about overcoming fear, i let out that embarrassing tidbit of information.  to my credit, i was attacked by a family of them as a child. yes, a family of moths. 
attacked.
me.
so i'm standing in this greenhouse, surrounded by my nemesis' cousins and one lands on my shoulder and scott calls out "look! mommy's special!" and i say "i'm like Snow White!" (as an aside, i've always dreamed that if i were to find myself alone in a forest the woodland creatures would come and cuddle with me - birds on my shoulders, squirrels on my lap, a deer by my side....drawn no doubt by my princess-like nature and purity of heart). 
secretly, i'm a little uneasy about this butterfly touching me.  but then i think, maybe this is an ambassador from the moth-like nation proclaiming peace at last!  maybe it's time to let go of my morbid hatred of the moth species.  maybe it's whispering "can't we all just get along?".  it is a white butterfly, like a little flag of surrender.
can you believe that i actually think like this?  thank God for anne of green gables, she makes me feel normal.

okay, my last great thing from the week...i FINALLY finished the painting I've been working on for months.  after 45 1/2 hours of work, here it is.  forgive me for the crooked pic, as soon as the sun's out i'll take a better on and replace it.

alright, so I'm sure you're thinking "what the heck is that?"

here's the vision that was given to me by a beautiful woman who's a pastor in Ontario:

My deep heart break is for the wounded and broken who've lost their way to the Father.
  I see a shining city - much like those city-state fortresses pictured in medieval epics (think, "The White City" from the Lord of the Rings:  The Return of the King).  This is the city of God.  Angels and saints stand along the ramparts of the mighty city wall, calling and shouting to the chaos outside.  In the muck and mire of the earth a churned up battle field stretches for miles and miles.  At first glance, it appears to be a writhing, rhythmic groundswell.  But on closer inspection, we see the bodies.  Some are violently engaged in battle.  Some lie broken and battered in the mud.  Some run from the horror, but can't find a way out.  And dotting here and there in this horrific landscape are men and women wearing the armor of the city, holding tight to the hands of the wounded and lost, weaving in and out of the battle, side-stepping skirmishes here and raising their swords to fight, there, guiding the broken to the gates of the city where the Prince stands to receive them, to heal them, to love them.
     Some were sent out in armor to bring in the lost, but were themselves deeply wounded in battle.  That's who I go to.  That's who I've been sent to bring home.  Those are the focus of my search.

so, an amazing vision and a daunting project.  it's been an incredible challenge: 5 different pics involved, some from the internet, some taken with models, and i had to hunt down chain mail and a sword (thank God i live in Saskatchewan!).  i have felt very honoured to hold this amazing woman's heart in my brushstrokes, and to paint something that reveals God's truth and calling and the beauty of His saving kingdom.

that said, i'm glad it's over. :)

scott starts holidays monday and we're looking forward to a "staycation" until the 25th when we fly to BC (yippee!!!).  there's a waterski competition on the river this weekend, and the "taste of Saskatchewan" festival next week.  i love life in the city.

blessings and rest to you all.

little life tidbits.

picture me:
i'm on the couch in my (mercifully) air-conditioned house, in a sleeping bag because i'm too cold.  ( i know!  stop yelling.  i turned it down, or up, whatever).  the bourne ultimatum is on the tele, and beside me is a plate of strawberries, fairtrade chocolate, a lovely buttery havarti, and some crackers.  my kids are sleeping.  it's about to thunderstorm.  ah, perfection. 
i picked my first vegetable from my garden yesterday - a single pea pod which i shared with my family (everyone gets a tiny bite!).  they applauded me.  i felt like i had received a shiny gold star.  everyday my kids spend hours in the backyard.  we were given a swing set by friends from the church, complete with slide and rings, so now we have a bonified playground out our back door.  sincerely?  i wonder how i could be more blessed.
today scott preached on Sabbath and the beauty of God's call to rest:  to remember his miraculously taking us out of our self-slavery, to cease our striving as though we are the center of the universe, and to bless others.  it was a beautiful, lung-filling word to the weariness of soul and body.  i was asked last-minute to sing on the worship team, so I had that joy.  man, i don't know how much i've missed leading until I get the chance to do it again.  there's nothing like purposefully calling others to worship that makes me enter into worship myself.  I picture myself in this giant throneroom, before a beautiful throne of light, and i sing my heart out and will the people around me to do the same.  i don't know if they do - my eyes are always closed!- but i hope.
i've been dealing with a strange sickness the last week-and-a-half.  it started out as pain in my lower back - like someone was waxing it and had just ripped off the wax, but that feeling lasted throughout the day.  the next day the same pain was on the top of my left thigh. and the next two, my right hand and upper arm.  weird eh?  anyways, it's led to vertigo for a day and now some pretty sharp side pain.
sometimes in the middle of the night i will think i'm dying.  I will picture my beautiful children and wish I had more time, i'll look at my husband sleeping and try to memorize his face once more.  then the next day i'll be totally fine, thinking it's just a virus (which, honestly, it most likely is) and that i need to stop being such a drama queen.  but those moments of fear....
i used to live with fear as a companion for many years, and i had forgotten what a monster it is.  how it sucks out your hope and joy and sanity and leaves you crumpled and defeated.  fear is the slavery that i have been rescued from, my exodus.  i have not enjoyed seeing it's ugly head in my bed again.
so, pray for me.  i go to see a doctor on Thursday and have a complete physical next week.
i checked my blog stats before starting this post and saw that i have someone in India, Turkey, even the Phillipines reading my blog.  and Korea!  is that you Conner? could any of you leave a comment?  i'm so curious....
my little girl finished grade one on tuesday.  all week i've been saying to people "ask her what grade she's in!" and she'll say "two!" and we'll clap and cheer.  her teacher wrote on her report card that every day she "tries to be the best person she can be".  i can't express how proud i am of that, of her.
so, a rocky road of a week, culminating in an amazing fireworks display in the little town of Elbow, Saskatchewan, for Canada day.  my daughter on my lap (we watched from in the car so as to not be mosquito appies) and my son, wide eyed and open-mouthed and giddy with the splendor.  again, perfect.  

nourished

i feel well fed.
not just because i made a killer potato salad for dinner tonight - with avocado and shrimp and a lime-dijon dressing - no, i mean more than physical hunger.
we've had thunderstorms here, and monsoon rains.  lots of humidity and excitement in the air - i love the tension of a thunderstorm, the sound, the light, and the warm rains are incredible.  today however, the rains have stopped and given us the gift of blue sky, long grass, happy gardens and green.  so, i'm environmentally fed.
on saturday i went to a silent prayer retreat, hosted by the women's ministry coordinator of our church, and held at a catholic retreat center in the heart of the city of saskatoon.  it's an incredible place, lush gardens, sprawling trees, walks down to the river, statues placed in tiled alcoves, fountains and artwork and rooms with prayer benches and signs marked 'silent'.  i loved it.  surprised?  i'm sure many don't think of the word silent when they think of me, but it is a testimony to God's work in my life that the words "silent prayer retreat" didn't make me want to run for the hills screaming.  and it felt truly miraculous that i enjoyed two hours of just me and my Maker.  i used to put the timer on for 10 minutes of prayer and start looking at the clock after 4 minutes thinking "really?!".
i feel like God is bringing me to a place of trusting Him in a new way, in a way of letting my heart unfold in front of Him without too much fear of the results.  i've been asking the question "what is my deepest hearts desire?  what motivates me at my core?" (a question i was encouraged to ask in the book "sacred rhythms" by Ruth Haley-Barton).  it's an interesting question that initially made me feel nervous - what if i come to see that my deepest desires are not being met? what will that mean?  but in the asking and revealing God has shown me that he has formed that deepest deep within, for His purposes and in His likeness.  so, now to live it out!  now to shelter my desire, to protect it from my own twistings, and to use it for God's glory.
i know i'm being a bit cryptic here but i hope you're following me.  i've had some spiritual food, and feel beautifully full for the moment.

also while i was on the retreat i went for a walk out in the misty rain and was breathing deeply and marveling at creation (and the catholic church!  where are Protestant retreat centers with this much attention to the arts and beauty?).  i stepped in a mud puddle and fell on my butt.  it was actually one of the more graceful falls of my life, one foot up in the air, and straight down - it had the sensation of slow motion.  i sat on the ground laughing at the thought of how many silent witnesses there might be.  people on their own prayer retreats, looking out their windows, deep in contemplation, seeing a young woman out for a stroll...wait a minute...she's down!  did anyone else see that?!!! she looked like a graceful rock.  how old is she?  maybe she's not so young....
i had to ice my hip and take pain killers to get to sleep that night.  how old am i?! 

i bought a bright pink bike yesterday at walmart.  i know, i know.  but i'm not the best bicyclist so why spend the money?  this bike seems to be calling to me from the garage. i can't wait to take it out and feel the wind in my hair and sit up straight with my head back, laughing.  i'll be flavia de luce!  i'll travel my children all over this fair city like the von trapps in curtains.  i need to give my bike a name.  maybe flavia will do.

it is past my bedtime but i would like to leave you with a prayer.  this was read to begin the prayer retreat and as soon as i heard it i wanted to give it to as many people as possible.  so, a gift.  for you.

a morning offering

i bless the night that nourished my heart
to set the ghosts of longing free
into the flow and figure of dream
that went to harvest from the dark
bread for the hunger no one sees.

all that is eternal in me
welcomes the wonder of this day,
the field of brightness it creates
offering time for each thing
to arise and illuminate.

i place on the alter of dawn:
the quiet loyalty of breath,
the tent of thought where i shelter,
waves of desire i am shore to
and all beauty drawn to the eye.

may my mind come alive today
to the invisible geography
that invites me to new frontiers,
to break the dead shell of yesterdays,
to risk being disturbed and changed.

may i have the courage today
to live the life that I would love,
to postpone my dream no longer
but do at last what i came here for
and waste my heart on fear no more.
                               john O'donohue