on princesses and springtime

Spring has sprung!!!
i have green sprouts of something flowery in  my garden bed (latin name:  greenish flowerish).  my barbecue has been put to good use.  the table cloth is on my patio table, the hammock is swinging in the breeze.  scott and i have been stealing kisses whenever the kids are looking the other way (these are not the type of kisses we want them watching...).  the bikes have been ridden, the water gun filled, and the car vacuumed. 
i feel like my body, at the molecular level, is breathing a sigh of relief and contentment. 
is there anything more beautiful than springtime?

i think my trees are budding by the sheer force of my will.  i keep going out to check them, and i pet them a little and say encouraging things.  yesterday i was gardening in a maxi dress - that's one of those long sundresses that you see hanging on the racks in Winners and you think "are those for all the nine foot tall women i've seen wandering around these parts?".  Lord only knows why they've been given the title "maxi" - i suppose it's the opposite of a mini, but still...too many negative connotations for me.  anyways, i found one in california for a solid 5-foot-four-er like me.  i do feel like a bit of a princess when i wear it - without shoes it trails on the ground a little.
i believe i've told you before that i've always dreamed of having the classic disney princess experience where animals and birds would sense my purity of heart (and depth of royal character) and come to me.  deer eating apples from my hand.  birds landing on my shoulders.  well, i'm in this dress on my back deck and i decided to try my luck.  i sang the ariel tune - you know the "ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah" ditty from the little mermaid.  i sang it quietly, kind of nonchalant - animals don't like eagerness.  i waited, but no squirrels scampered close, and no birdies alighted on my fingertips.  i blame it on the fact that i was knitting at the time, and to an animal those needles could very well look like weapons. or maybe it was the four year old boy of mine stomping around the backyard - he wasn't exactly an invitation to royal tranquility.
i'll try again sans knitting and small child.

today is my thirteenth anniversary.  someone said to me "lucky thirteen!".  what?!  lucky for them i didn't see who it was - they would have received the stink eye for sure.  i know that's not very pure of heart, but still.  i hadn't even entertained the thought of this being a bad-luck year until that little cryptic comment.  women at church socials can be so snarky.

anyways, i feel extremely blessed that i spent the weekend making out with my husband of thirteen years, loving every second of it.  he continues to be God's daily "i love you" in my life.  today my son asked me "do adults ever get frustrated with other adults?".  wow!  what a treat that was to hear on my anniversary.  i explained that yes, we do, but adults don't stomp their feet and go to their rooms and yell - we talk about it and work it out.  i'm wondering how far that little gold nugget sunk in.  probably not very deep since he spent the better part of the evening tormenting his sister.  sigh.

i hear rumours that there's some cold weather in the near future but i'm totally ignoring them.  i don't believe they exist.  i will cling to spring with all my heart and continue to practice my princess songs.  if you spot a deer walking down my street, you'll know why.

on the topic of food

i have recently realized something:  i don't have a personal philosophy of food.  or, at least i didn't until my recent realization.
it seems that others do. 
i was talking to a beautiful friend of mine the other night (yes, you!) and she was asking me how i think about the food i eat.  do i work off of a reward system:  x amount of exercise = x amount of food?  do i count calories?  do i eat breakfast always? do i only eat when i'm hungry?

i was shocked.
tongue-tied (unusual for me)

i had to very quickly try and think of something that sounded logical, but the truth is, i just eat.

i
                just
                                 eat!

i do think about food groups - especially protein and fruit/veggies.  i try not to gorge myself on anything.  i eat healthy, home-cooked meals.  but for the most part when i open the fridge all i'm thinking is "what will taste yummy?", and i go from there.

so, here is my newly minted and possibly temporary personal food philosophy:  food is for the body, as a source of energy, and for the soul, as a form of pleasure. 


oh my goodness, i just thought of something else that comes into play in my food philosophy:  dietary issues!!! how could i have forgotten?  before the "what will taste yummy" question, is the "does this recipe contain gluten/tree nuts/dairy/yeast?" and if the answer is yes, then the yummy factor comes in.  can anyone blame me for not wanting to bother with counting calories after that mental pretzel?

so, okay, my new and possibly temporary personal food philosophy is: 
food is for the body, as a source of energy, and for the soul, as a form of pleasure, and can be a dangerous poison to your family members so be careful.

happy eating!

the cross

so, i've been pondering the cross lately.
actually, i've been pondering the exodus in Jewish culture, and the cross in Christian culture. 

i'm not Jewish.  but from what i can tell, the entire identity of a Jew, the starting point and culmination of cultural and religious identity, is the exodus.  this moment in history where God showed up, saved, revealed himself to an entire race of individuals, claimed a people group, and honoured them through acts of incredible judgement and provision.  my world religions professor in university said that it was this revelation that led her to become a Christian - the only world religion where a God appears to an entire nation at one time, not an individual in seclusion. 

so, at this time of year, the Passover, every Jewish believer is remembering.  they are eating a sacred meal, saying holy words, celebrating and looking ahead in faith.  they have this claim, this flag waving in the annuls of time that says "this is where God saved us".  it is the beginning of their year.  time starts at the exodus.  on this Passover night, thousands of years ago, death ravaged every home around the people of Israel, but passed them over.  they were literally pushed out of the land of their slavery, laden down with gold and jewels by those who had enslaved them. 

what a scene plays in my mind!  screaming mothers shoving silverware in my hands, my ears filled with the countless wailings of wives and mothers and sisters and brothers who have just found a loved one dead in their home.  all of the first born of an entire country. dead.  their faces fallen in the meals they were eating.  i smell the blood that has been smeared on my doorpost, the rest of the meal on the table.  my kids are crying and my husband is packing up the cart, throwing everything we own in as fast as he can.  in the distance there is fire, fire!  a huge pilar that seems to carve the sky in two.  people around me are whispering, it's Yahweh.  our God.  and He wants us to follow Him out.  out of Egypt. 

no more bricks.  no more starving.  no more hunger in my children's eyes at night.  no more whips on my husband's back.  no more hiding and grovelling and lying in bed afraid. 

freedom. 

as a Christian i have my own exodus story.  my own moments of God showing up, revealing himself to me, and leading me out of my land of slavery.  oh, there was no pillar of fire, no plagues or parting seas.  but there was a journey.  a step by step walk, sometimes in areas that felt very much like a wilderness.  i won't say that i've arrived in the promised land, but i am definitely not in Egypt anymore.

what am i free from?  well, paralyzing fear.  destructive guilt.  frantic anxiety.  degrading sins. 
sometimes i feel free from my self, which is a deeply peaceful, full-breath-relaxed-limb trust - which can only be the creator of the universe actually showing up for me.  a miracle. 

for me, this Easter day, the cross is my exodus flag.  my marking stone.  my exclamation point.  my reminder that i was bought from slavery by a Jewish man a couple thousand years ago.  a man who was also God - who was at the first exodus, and knew the entire world needed another.  i take this moment to look back at the land of my slavery, and remember that i am no longer there.  i look around my life for the signs of God's leading.  i turn my face toward His will. 

i take another step.

For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kindgom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.  Colossians 1:13-14.

life as we know it

so, i'm going to be honest with you.
i'm always honest with you.
but even more so, right now.  this is where i'm at.

i've been sick for 5 of the past 6 weeks.  scott and i have not been healthy at the same time since january. 

on friday i spent the entire day in bed with body aches, chills, cough, snot, and anger.
yesterday i felt a bit better and was feeling hopeful that i was going to pull out of it when WHAM!  last night scott started coughing and puking and we were both up for most of the night. 

(i should insert here that i made a killer dinner, due to the fact that i had been starving myself for 2 days and was tired of left-overs.  i made a coffee-rubbed steak with a roasted garlic and orange vinaigrette.  baby potatoes and braised radishes.  it was incredible.  however, at 2am when my eyes were wide and my mind perky i was cursing myself and my culinary skills, for the fact that i ate coffee beans on my meat at dinner).

today i was not a very good mom (though my husband/editor disagrees). 

it started off poorly, with me yelling at the kids for ignoring my pleas to turn down the tv and close the door to the basement (where i was trying to sleep).  by 11 i had roused myself.  i have been reading a lot, and am in my third book of a ridiculously long fantasy series.  each of the books is at least 700 pages.  so, here's my thought process as i'm standing in the shower - you can here hints of elves/dwarves/dragons:

i will conquer this.  i am strong.  i will fight.  i will go and buy medicine.  i will make chicken soup for my family.  Lord!  give me the strength of a mother bear.  help me to fight!  i will be like a warrior and this sickness shall no longer conquer us.  i will prevail!

i brandished my wash scrubby like a sword.  no, i'm just joking about that, but those thoughts actually did go through my mind.  i should have had theme music. 

i dressed. i got the kids a snack and made sure they were in front of the tv.  i told my husband that i was going to get him medicine.  (fear not!).  i got to the pharmacy and told my plight to the pharmacist and then i thought
crap.  mother bear is wearing out.  i'm going to faint.  right here in Sobey's. 
i went to the counter and started bagging my own groceries.  much to the effrontery of the bag boy who kept apologizing for not being fast enough for me.  "it's not you.  i'm just desperate to get out of here!".  he said "i can understand that.".  hmmm...the plight of the bag boy.

i made it home.  the kids were reading together on the sofa.  sigh.  i bring the nyquil/dayquil/vaporub to scott.  i start making soup and unpacking groceries.  i'm holding on for dear life.

there are moments in life that happen in such a way that as they are occurring you stand outside of yourself, and you shake your head, and cringe with embarrassment, but for some reason, you don't stop.  prepare yourself to read such a moment.

i realized my son now had a fever.  that's three down in the sick count.  i asked my daughter to get a blanket for him.  she said she couldn't because it was under his head.  i asked her to ask him to move his head.  she did.  he didn't respond.  and then i walked into the room and she had the blanket on HERSELF. i rip it off her and put it on him.

i walk back into the kitchen.
"COME HERE"
silence
"COME HERE!"
silence
i bang the groceries down on the pantry self and yell with all my might
"COME HERE!"
as my daughter rounds the corner into the kitchen i feel this sense of hysteria rising.  i start pleading with her:
"mommy's sick.  daddy's sick.  you're brother's sick.  it was a blanket.   why can't you help me?"

i'm starting to cry as i'm pleading and my voice is raising into this hysterical tone and i'm watching my daughter's face get that panicky look, like when you have no idea how to react to a situation so you start smiling and your eyes get really big and she starts backing away from me out of the room...

"i'm just trying to care for everyone.  but i need help!  and there's no one to help me!  and how could you take the blanket for yourself?!"

she's now backed into the other room, where my son is lying dazed on the couch and he looks at me and starts laughing, and i yell
"stop laughing at me!"
and run upstairs and throw myself on the bed and cry my eyes out.  deep-gut sobbing, moaning, all of it.  a high school break-up cry fest. 

scott came and sat on the bed and i sobbed and said things like "i'm not strong!  i can't do it!" and he just listened and let me dry out.  man, it has been such a long time since i cried like that.  it was awesome!  i'm sure i released some toxins in the process.

an hour or so later my daughter and i were laughing over lunch about how hysterical i was, and how i remember my mom having a fit like that once - my brother, on a youth group outing to the Eaton's center in toronto, got a surprise hair cut complete with crosses shaved into the sides.  she stood at the kitchen sink crying and murmuring things like "where did i go wrong?". 

my daughter said "at least yours was reasonable".  healing words.

so, there it is.  what a wreck i am!  feel free to laugh at me, and then pray for me.
pray for us all.

birthday wishes

i was at a small gathering a few weeks ago, sharing my art and story, and mentioned that i had a daughter who was about to turn out.  a woman there said "what?  you're not old enough for that!  did you have her when you where 14?"
oh, dear.  part of me wanted to hug her, and part of me wanted to demand a urine sample because drugs are obviously an issue.
anyways, i DO have a daughter who has just turned 8.  and, forgive me, but i'm going to use this blog to wax eloquent on her party.  because it was awesome.
my daughter starts planning her parties a year in advance.  now, the plans change multiple times during the year, but be assured she is already planning for party number nine.  she came up with the idea of a spa party sometime last summer, and the theme of berries was added a few months ago, and voila! 8 friends were invited to her

berry beautiful birthday

we started with face masks:  mashing strawberries and adding yogurt.  the girls all squealing as their partners spread it on their faces.  i suppose i should have warmed up the yogurt a little...and the classic cucumbers on the eyes.  after they washed it off a few looked around and said "my skin feels SO soft!".  yes, i'm sure all of the dry patches and wrinkles attacking your seven-year-old visage have disappeared. 

we moved on to exfoliating lips and hands and feet and doing nails.  at one point i heard one girl say to her friend "this party is AWESOME!".  now, you all know how dearly i appreciate praise - i swelled like a balloon.

which brings me to decorations.  you know when you have an idea and feel like you have finally tapped into your super-mom potentials?  well, my daughter asked to play "pin the leaves on the strawberry".  so, i got out two big pieces of paper.  i gave my 4 year old son a brush and said "paint this entirely green", and my girl painted hers red.  after they dried we cut out a large strawberry shape and 10 leaf shapes for the game, and then numerous mini strawberries for a garland.  it was like i was channelling eric carle!  they looked awesome and the kids loved it, or, at least i did.

we ate copious amounts of berries and waffles and a dear dear friend asked if she could make the cake as her present (YES!!!!), she she showed up with a giant strawberry that we will still be eating for Easter dinner i think.  the cake is always the most stressful part of the party for me - i have had some dismal failures in the past, totally exacerbated by the fact that i feel like i should be amazing at cake decorating because i'm an artist.  i'm not amazing.  i'm not even close to amazing.  i think i would be labelled as "good try", like the participation ribbons i used to get on field day in elementary school.  i once made a princess dress cake that turned into a strawberry shortcake doll drowning in a sea of blue icing.  i think i scared the kids at the party.  so this gift of cake was truly a blessing. 

we sent off a gaggle of girls, scrubbed and lotioned and painted to perfection.  and then lay on the couch for the rest of the day (scott and i, that is).
 
my son asked my daughter what she wished for when she blew out her candles and she answered "a happy family... and i got it!"

yes, sometimes wishes do come true. 

only twelve more months to plan for next year.

the big easy

one of the great things about being the wife of a pastor is that you get to hear your husband preach.  which, i suppose could also be the worst thing, depending on the preacher.  thankfully, in my case, it's a constant privilege to sit under scott's teaching, to hear his heart, and to be drawn into his passion for Christ, for the pursuit of godliness, for truth. 
i noticed yesterday that when he speaks my husband has a little repeated mannerism: he plays with his wedding ring.  and i had the thought "i put that ring on his finger" and then i got all emotional.  sometimes i still can't believe that he picked me.
i know there are a few of you out there who still can't believe it either.

anyways, back to the sermon yesterday.  it was titled "the gift of the narrow road".  he talked about how we as Christians balk at the idea of narrow-mindedness, narrow living, of being labelled "narrow" in any sense.   because we who have experienced, and are experiencing, this life with Christ would describe it as expansive, and spacious and beautiful and life-giving.  i would testify to a new life, a deep breath, a growing heart, a stable joy.  this is what "Christianity" feels like to me. 

and, yet, in Matt. 7:13-14 we are called by Jesus to walk in a way that is, yes, narrow.  narrow in the sense of obedience, allegiance, and trust.   and i started seeing this "narrow road" as difficult.  squishy.  tedious at times.  exhausting.  and i had the realization that my sin is so easy. 

it's like i'm walking down this prickly path - oh, yes, it's beautiful.  look at the flowers, smell the sunshine and hear the birds, but ouch!  it hurts to be reminded of my jealousy and pride.  ugh!  i just spent half a day trying to get out of a puddle of judgement.  i have to turn sideways to squeeze through that awful temptation to gossip.  i just want to sit down.  i just want to lie back.  i just want to stop the perseverance.

whoa....look at the wide road over there!  that looks comfy.....  i can do whatever i want. 

it's so appealing, isn't it?  it looks so easy.

but i've been down that road before.  i have to quickly rummage through my backpack and take out my scrapbook (just kidding, i don't scrapbook).  i find my journal and remember that around the corner on that broad and easy road is fear.  lots of it.  broken relationships.  guilt.  loss.  a sense of desperation.  death.  death of who i want to be.  death of my purpose and my future. 

suddenly this little narrow road looks pretty amazing.  especially since i never walk it alone. 
i hear Jesus saying "come to me if you're weary and burdened and rest with me".  and i remember that he's walked this road before - perfectly.  i will follow his lead.  we can sit on the side of the road and eat some bread, drink some wine, and marvel at the beauty of it all.


if you'd like to hear scott's sermon, it's here. 

three things i hate about me. well, hate is a strong word.

there are a few things that i don't like about myself.
here's why: they seem rather antithetical to the life i'm attempting to live.  here's the top three.

1.  i love presents.
2.  i love public affirmation.
3.  i love teen fiction.

this obviously isn't an exhaustive list.  there are a few other qualities i could do without:  my instant anger when i see a suburbian hummer, how i have to put toilet paper down on any toilet that has a hint of neglect, my ridiculously loud laugh that turns heads in any public place....but the first three cause me the most chagrin.

1.  it's hard to work towards simplicity and contentment when i just love getting presents so much!  my friends tell me about having their family members forget about christmas presents, or give to charities in lieu of gifts, and my initial response is "yes!  that's awesome!" and then immediately afterwards, stepping on the toes of my altruism, is a sadness.  no presents?  no wrapping paper?  no flush of excitement when someone opens the thoughtful present i have laboured to find (or make)? no flush of excitement when I open the thoughtful present someone else has laboured over?

so far the score is:  presents - 100%

2.  i once worked with a woman who was quiet.  she didn't say a word in staff meetings while i was verbally processing and making a fool of myself.  (i know all you verbal processors are commiserating with me) and then, once a month, her mouth would open.  a hush would fall over the crowded staff room, and she would say a sentence that was simple and defined and meaningful.  something that she had been mulling over internally (and probably praying about! ugh!) while we were hashing it out with our stupid arguments.

i couldn't stand it.

why oh why couldn't i be more like her?  and why oh why did she get all embarrassed when someone tried to compliment her, shrugging it off and asking for no public praise - while i was sitting across the table thinking "i hope they say i did something well....i hope they give me flowers!  in front of the whole school!!"

sigh.  i love public affirmation.  and public displays of affection.  my husband singing my praises in a crowded room while handing me a gift bag....seriously!  i am this twisted!!

3.  i'm currently in escondido california.  it's a cool cloudy day.  but the air is sweet and the palm trees lush and the grass green and the bougainvilleas verdant.  we've passed a house by the highway each day that has a front yard completely covered with fuchsia flowers.  just driving from the airport felt like a journey into health.  beauty is so good for the soul.  i spent three minutes at a beach today (it was FREEZING), and the sun broke through the clouds and i walked along little rivulets carved into the sand by small tide pools.  i hunted for shells.  drank a cup of tea.

i was restored.

on the two flights we took to get here i read twilight.  again.  i read for at least three hours.  i probably read with a wistful smile on my face.  because i love it.  and a part of me hates that i love it, and i am embarrassed that i do, and i try to hide the cover as long as possible.  but i love it.  and i loved "eragon" that i read last week, and harry potter, and the hunger games.  i love teen fiction.  deal.

so, i finished twilight last night, revelling in the passages where there's a touch along her cheek, or a fleeting kiss, or smouldering eyes.  i know, i'm ridiculous.  but i would much rather read about small acts filled with great longing than large acts filled with great relief.  do you know what i mean?  could you pretend you do?

wow, i'm feeling rather exposed.  what is it about hot climates?  before you know what you've done you're in a bikini walking through target and could care less.  i think i feel so nourished by sunshine and flowers and hot tubs that i'm teetering on recklessness.  so, i've actually written an entire post about the things i don't really like about myself.  there you go.

now, could you compliment me a little?