ash wednesday

well, those of you out in cyber space who read my last post must have been praying for me.  Last week was incredible.  I so enjoyed my children and husband and life.  i got extra time to paint and finished a sweet little portrait of my friend vanessa's youngest.  i had good conversations with friends, old and new.  it was wonderful. 
and now the dust of wednesday looms before me, and i welcome it's coming.  Lent.  It used to be a time i almost dreaded - i don't usually seek out self-denial on a daily basis.  but after a few years of this rhythm in my life, i see it as a time of refreshment, re-centering, re-configuring my life around God's desires. it's awesome. 
so, here's the plan for this year: 
  what I'm giving up:  television all week (except for sabbath), and sugar on Fridays.  it's historical to fast one day a week, usually Friday, but fasting should not be attempted by those with sickness, pregnancy (i'm not), breast feeding (again, i'm not) or women who turn into evil mommies when not given frequent nourishment (bingo!), so a partial fast is best.
  what I'm practicing:  i'd like to spend my usually watching t.v. time journalling, and writing letters.  i have not been journalling at all since i started to blog, so i'm looking forward to picking up my pen again (oooh, maybe i'll get a new one!).  the same goes for letter writing.  A dear friend of mine decided this year to forgo Christmas cards and instead write lovely letters to friends after Christmas.  She's inspired me (I love you Cori).  and i've been reading some amazing works of fiction lately and find that i just want to prioritize the written word in my life.   I'd also like to spend time reading non-fiction for a change :).  starting with Gary Thomas' book "sacred parenting", which explores the premise that parenting is designed for spiritual formation.  preach it.

tomorrow is fat Tuesday (is it phat?), but i think i'm going to pass on the pancakes.  i've been sick all week-end with a pretty brutal strepp throat (doctor said today "you win the prize for the worst throat i've seen all week".     yippee.) and therefore have not been cooking.  so, for my last meal i'm looking forward to a roasted rosemary chicken basted in butter and crying with deliciousness. 

i pray for a blessed beginning of lent for you all, a time of anticipation for what Christ will whisper in your ear as you journey with Him from the desert to the cross.

not enough

do you ever have those weeks when it seems that no matter what you do as a mother it's just not enough?  I could play with my children for four hours straight and they would still look hurt and angry when i had to stop.  i could cook for two hours making the most delicious meal and they would probably still want peanut butter and jam.  i could clean the house from top to bottom - spotless - and in half an hour it's mayhem. 

is this just motherhood, or is this the human condition?  does everyone feel like they're always not quite good enough at their role in life?

i was thinking that there is no boss at the end of my day saying, "hey, you nailed that discipline.  and the healthy snacks?  bonus.  i also see you put in 20 hours of overtime every week for the last 6 years.  that's remarkable!" 
but maybe no one has a boss like that.

i've been thinking about lent today.  it starts next wednesday, and i think this year, as well as fasting something (probably sugar again), i'm going to dig into sabbath.  because that's what's sabbath is all about:  i am not enough.  I will never work enough or do enough or be enough - there will never be a day when i say "there!  accomplished my life work.  now i can rest."  I cannot provide for all of my needs - i can't even control my heart beating.  I cannot be perfect, and will become grossly imperfect the more i try to reach perfection.  i will always be completely and utterly dependant on a living God who loves me, and Sabbath is God's gift to remind me. 

not that i'll stop parenting on Sabbath days, but i'm going to seek out how to rest as a parent.  how can i rest from guilt motivating my actions/reactions?  and rest from perfectionism?  and rest from worry?  and anger?
to enter the shalom of motherhood. 
anyone ever been there?

well, that's the kind of week it's been.  true, PMS might also have had a hand to play in it (sorry male readers).  what also might contribute to some general malaise in the saskatoon area is that today it was colder here than in the arctic.  I might as well get that pet penguin (or as my son says "ping-gwing") i've always wanted. 

then i'll have another thing to clean up after and feel guilty about.
!!!!!

 

change

a friend of mine (hi rita!) taught me how to view my 'stats' as a blogger and i just read that i had 600 page views last month.  wowsers.  there are probably quite a few people annoyed with my lack of communication lately.  what can i say...new home, new friends, new experiences, new LIFE makes janet a sleepy person and blogging is just not making the top of the list.  that said, here i am!
i spoke at a youth group tonight.  a youth leader approached me a few weeks ago and said something to this effect "we're doing a series on holiness and your name was brought up as a good person to speak about it".  i wish i could have seen what my face looked like at that moment:  i was trying not to laugh, and wondering who the heck brought up my name (!!), and also trying to look serious and thoughtful.....and tonight i spoke.  here's what the process brought to light for me:  i'm a different person than the person i often view myself to be.  i really am striving for godliness, and wanting to pursue Christ whole-heartedly.  i feel a little queasy writing that because i am also keenly aware that i'm failing often and failing badly, but God this past week has been encouraging me that I am no longer wearing a mask of devotion, i really am devoted. 
wow, has God ever been working hard on me.

i sat in the youth room tonight and looked around at what could have been my youth group.  the same insecurities, the same flirtation and awkwardness, the same bravado from the boys...a group of people crying out for identity and reason and truth. 

man i'm glad i'm in my thirties.

tomorrow we have a house warming party.  it's minus thirty something without the wind chill so all the warming we can get will be welcomed.  i drove across town a few days ago and said "i live in saskatoon.  i live in saskatchewan" over and over to myself, but it still feels foreign.  i plugged my van in the garage tonight, but first i had to break the ice off of the plug so that i didn't risk electrocution (over-reacting?).  then i put my windshield wiper up in the air to remind myself tomorrow that the van is plugged into the wall - last time i just backed out and ripped it out with me. :)  and my wiper was also covered in ice so i cleaned that off.  a part of me is getting used to this, and a part of me is really really not.

today i went to scrape the frost off my car only to discover the frost was on the INSIDE.  what?!

anyways, tomorrow will be warmed with laughter and friendship and crab dip and spiced nuts and baked cheese.  my home still feels like a dream - i still find the feeling of my carpet between my toes exquisite, and i'm getting comfortable bustling around my kitchen, closing cupboards with my feet while spinning to grab something from the other side of the room.  i love it. 

next week is February break, which is kicked off by the provincial holiday "family day".  why is there no family day in BC?  i'm looking forward to lazy mornings, free from bustling my daughter off to school, and to enjoying time with my kids.  i'm also a little terrified at the thought of keeping them occupied, but i'm stuffing it. 

before the party tomorrow scott is blessing me with a few hours to paint.  i'm working on a giant dogwood (did i tell you?) and loving every brushstroke.  creativity is such a gift - to enter into the work of a creating God.  sometimes i wonder why He bothered creating humanity, but maybe it was for the sheer joy of the creative process.  to step back and marvel and think "how did i create something so beautiful?". 

could God feel that way about me?  stumbling around my words tonight, exposing my inadequacies and failures and desires and triumphs to a group of women who were awkwardly silent and painfully still?  did i reach the beautiful mark?  honestly, i think i did.  i think God looked at my life and felt the same way i did "wow, look what God has done". 

"what a long time it can take to become the person one has always been!"
Parker J Palmer

all praise to you Father.

fragile

i'm sorry that it's been so long....i have descended into boxes and curtains and re-stocking my pantry and have surfaced happy and tired and settled.  my mother came to visit for the last 10 days, and as i was hugging her hello at the airport my father walked around the corner to surprise me!  so, they've both been helping me nest and have played copious games, read stories, washed dishes...what a treat. 
and i've painted in my new studio (did you notice?).  just writing that makes me take a deep breath and smile.  for the first time in my life i have a room all to myself.  half of it is my painting gear and easel, and the other is my desk and sewing machine and knitting supplies.  glorious!  it's a room off of the family room and it has sliding glass doors (that lock!!) and a nice window and lots of lights.  it's also beside the guest bathroom that houses a sinker tub that has armrests built in....can you tell i'm in love with my home?  truthfully, i'm not sure i'm going to get through this post without taking a dip.
okay, so you're wondering why i've named this post "fragile".  it's not because i'm particularly feeling that way, at least not this minute.  it's because of something my sunday school teacher was talking about today. 
yes, i now go to sunday school.
and it's awesome.
we currently have a guest teacher from a nearby Bible college, and his name is Jeromey Martini.  i told him i loved his name, which made him smile, and then i said "pomtinis!", which made him confused (or at least look that way).  whoops!
anyways,  he's been doing a series called "dirty christian", based on the scripture passage 2 Corinthians 4:7-12: holding the treasures of God in jars of clay.  the first couple classes he asked us to turn to the person next to us and say "you're a dirty christian".  why did i like that so much?  we've been exploring the incredible reality of God choosing such a vulnerable creation to enter into, such fallable disciples to entrust with the gospel, such a precarious process of forming the written word.  but He uses all this dirt and dust, this fragile flesh and blood, and imbues it with His reality, His love, His very image.  unbelievable, and, yet, i believe true. 
today we looked at a dirty Jesus.  exhale.  that feels naughty to write, and not in a good way.  but yes, Christ chose to put on this humanity, but he perfected it. oh, He was still a "jar of clay" as it were, he was vulnerable and fragile, but he did not break. 
someone in the class had trouble with this (picturing Jesus as dirty) and she said "but, Jesus never sinned" and Martini answered "no, he didn't.  being vulnerable and fragile is not a sin."

inhale.

being fragile is not a sin.  being broken and bruised and tender and a little afraid, hungry and confused and frustrated, tired and embarrassed and wanting to hide.  this is the human condition.  and i think this is what we need to be sharing with each other.  this is what we need to hold out into the light so that others can see and understand and recognize their own condition within ours.  and i feel this very strongly today, because i'm striving to be a disciple of Jesus, and this is what Jesus did. 

Jesus thought it was okay to be a person.  so why do i think i need to be perfection?  why should i hide my dirty dishes and my fears and my morning failures and my timid hopes?  i shouldn't. 

i'm glorying in being fragile today.  incarnation seems to add some sparkle to everyday life, don't you think?  i hope i can inspire you to shed the masks you feel pushed to wear, and revel in vulnerable friendships, and give yourself a break for being dirty. :)

that said, i'm going for a bubble bath.

all things new

on my wedding day my dear friend Roxy, who was one of my bridesmaids, looked at me and said "Janet, God has been GRACIOUS to you" (meaning:  it is a miracle of God that you are marrying such a man).  She said this repeatedly, repeatedly throughout the day.  it was a little frustrating at the time.  i mean, there's a little bit of grace flowing his direction too right?  anyways, she was right - God has been exceedingly gracious in my marriage.  and now i'm sitting in my new kitchen, overlooking my gorgeous house, and again, God has been GRACIOUS to me. 
there have been many times over the last few months where I have wondered what the heck God was up to.  My mom kept saying "oh, God's just waiting until the right house comes along for you" and i thought (sorry mom) "that's not always how life works."  and it's not.  many people are living wholeheartedly in the center of God's will, and they are suffering, they are living in deep pits where trusting is their only lifeline.  So, i don't think the grace of this home is a pat on the back for my good service.  but it is a gift.  and i'm treasuring it. 
we moved in yesterday, the coldest day of the year here in Saskatoon, with temperatures in the minus forties.  at one time I looked at the man moving in our boxes, who was from Quebec, and i thought he might burst into tears.  it was crazy cold. when we were unpacking the kitchen the glasses would immediately frost when they were unwrapped.  and anything metal would burn your skin.  welcome to the prairies!
but the house was immaculately clean.  and breathtakingly beautiful.  honestly, i feel like a princess. 

today my daughter had to bring to school:  a toboggan, a mug, and hot chocolate.  are you kidding me!!!
and this is my quote of the day.  i was picking up my son from a play date and as we were leaving the house he said "my mittens aren't on!" and i said "it's okay, it's only minus fourteen today".  he walked outside and said, "yah, i'm fine!". 

we now live in Saskatchewan. 
and i love it.
thankyou God for your grace.

week one

it's been seven sleeps under the saskatoon sky.
here is an account of my first experiences as a resident of Saskatoon.  I was welcomed off the plane by my happy husband and two new but very dear friends who brought presents for the kids (and me!).  i took Olivia to the bathroom to change her into her pj's and she was showing me this rash on her arm.  a women in the bathroom asked if she could look at it, then proceeded to tell me what it was, and the type of cream i should buy to help, and apologized profusely for not having said cream on her person.  i was then driven to the home of Martin and Michele, total strangers, who have given us their basement and have wholeheartedly welcomed us into their lives for two weeks. 
the next day we visited Olivia's school.  we walked in the front door and the secretary poked her head around the corner.  "are you Olivia?!!", then the principal "Olivia!  you're finally here!", then on to her classroom where her desk was piled high with notes and presents from her classmates and a room full of kids brimming with excitement to meet her.  one boy pretending to swoon cried out "sixteen girls and eight boys!"
i have learned that my child must bring snowpants in her backpack to school daily, that the garage is useful as a ginormous freezer space, what anti-lock brakes feel like when working, and that i love the prairies.  or, at least, i love it here. 
even though we are still very much in the midst of transition, i feel cradled by God.  as though He's sheltering me, blessing me, handling me gently.  i have seriously seen one face in the last week that wasn't smiling - the librarian when i tried to use my husbands card (i guess they are 100 percent NON-TRANSFERABLE, so don't even try!!!).  the sky is bright, the trees are covered in frost, the air is freezing but the wind is low - it's beautiful. 
i wonder if the months of waiting and struggle and frustration have now offered me this perspective of gratitude.  if so, i'm thankful for them.  i'm so thankful. 
our new church is a community of honesty and striving and kindness.  my husband wakes up happy and comes home from work smiling and that is worth the craziness.  women are calling me and caring for me and laughing at my jokes, and that is keeping the loneliness birds at bay. 
it is good to follow God's lead, even when it means the path takes you through some dark forested areas, or rocky seas with no land in sight - He has brought me out into a spacious place.  because He loves me. 
and He will do the same for you.

dear scott

i met the girls tonight for appys at the usual time and place and we laughed and cried and prayed and held each other in the rain.  such beautiful women, such important friendships (will i ever know how important?), it's so hard to release.  i drove away through Langley and i felt so awake, like the lights were brighter and i was breathing deeply and aware.
i am standing on a precipice, on the brink of life change,
         and i began to think of you.
i turned onto hwy 15, the bridge where you feel as though you are about to lift off and fly, and in my mind i was jumping into your arms and into this newness and adventure, and i was excited.  then i turned onto 140th and pictured your mother and started sobbing in the car.  marrying you has been the most exquisite gift God could have ever give me.  He knew exactly the man i needed, and the in-laws that i needed, and the life experiences, and challenges, and griefs and joys....i feel that tonight i trust Him in a way that is easy, un-complicated, and beautiful.
so the next chapter begins which will require us to be closer than ever.  i love you husband.  where you go, i will go.  your people will be my people, and your God my God. 
to God's glory, and for our joy.

i will kiss you tomorrow.